The Mary Mission: Wife. Mother. Carmelite. Warrior.

A Change

2009-11-03T05:59:00.001-08:00

From now on I will be posting this blog at a new address and not updating here:

www.marymission.blogspot.com

see you there!

Things I learned from watching my mamoune live

2009-10-15T09:52:00.001-07:00

Things I learned from watching my Mamoune live.

I miss my grandmother so much. Around the holidays, it gets hard for me to deal with not being around my family. I can remember cutting into a foie gras she had sent me a few Christmases ago and just crying into it because it reminded me so much of her.
I've had a lot of time, these last ten days, to reflect on what type of family culture I want to be building here, and I know that I learned so much from watching her. So, without further ado, I give you:

Things I learned from watching my mamoune live.

Begin the day with a good cup of coffee and your husband, no matter what the day will hold. Better yet, serve it and share it in bed.

Get dressed, washed, and done up before you do anything else. Don't have holes in your clothes. Take care of your body. Brush your hair. Wear perfume.

Make breakfast for the whole family accessible and fun, make it a meal.

Honor your husband. Devote yourself to him and treat him with kindness and respect, even when things get rough.... and ESPECIALLY when he is being rough. ;) Uphold the household rules he sets. He will, in turn, treasure you.

Pray your rosary. Every single day.

Read your bible. Every single day.

Go to church often and pay close attention, because it will prepare you for what life holds.

Celebrate life, at every occasion. Bring friends. Make large families. If you don't have large families, you better get lots of friends.

Take your housework seriously. Run your household with thoughtfulness and care. Roll up your sleeves and get in there. I can think of many occasions where, even though the maid was there, my grandmother was scrubbing alongside her, showing her how to get it right.

Retain your dignity in every situation. Never forget who you are and where you came from.

Use your good china. Know when to put out the good wine.

Enjoy all good things, but do everything with moderation.

Make babies, train them up as toddlers, teach them to be thoughtful adults. When you can't contain them and if they stray from you and God, pray for them ceaselessly.

Make feasts festive...decorate, cook for days, and celebrate. This is culture building.

Know that there is "a time to work," and "a time to rest."

Uphold your husband in all things. Realize that you represent him always. When he needs you, drop everything to be available to him.

There are four square meals a day: Breakfast, lunch, teatime, and dinner. One does not snack in between, and even if we are alone that day it's worth cooking something up.

Never eat alone if you can avoid it. If you must eat alone, eat at the table anyways. And don't let being alone keep you from a nice glass of wine. Even an egg can make a pretty, balanced meal if you pair it with the right thing.

Managing a household takes all of your gifts. Know what your gifts are.

Hospitality is the best gift. Invite people over often, and make them feel simultaneously like royalty and family when they do visit.

Freshen up before dinner.

Take a nap every day. Drink espresso after lunch.

It is your responsibility to uphold and care for your church. Teach your family to love to give of themselves at the Parish.

Eat right, watch your figure, get a tan.

Train and discipline your children. Expect good behavior from them, and extract it with military precision if need be. Keep your patience, and enjoy them in the process.

Know the difference between right and wrong.

Dress up to enter the House of the Lord.

Make Him a home in your own home, too.

Laugh often, and work hard to control your tongue when you disapprove of something. When you fail, acknowledge it.

Study your family history and honor those that have gone before. Keep your heritage in mind and remember that you are building legacy.

Teach your children the faith, not just with words and pictures, but with sights, sounds, and experiences. Recognize teachable moments. Begin and end each family event with prayer.

Work is life, and life is work. Do your work as unto the Lord. It takes skill and wisdom to build your house up. Know how to sew, knit, cook, clean, manage, organize, create, fix, garden, teach, and learn.

Keep learning, never stop learning. She was a senior citizen when she started taking gymnastics classes, flute classes, and English classes.

If and when you become "alone," if and when you lose your health, if and when everything changes around you--- if you have lived well you will still have your faith, and that will be all you need. My most poignant memory of my grandmother is from just a few years ago. I was visiting and shocked by how different she was after her stroke-- communication with her was so challenging and she could not really speak. And yet, from the confines of her room every morning, I heard resounding through the halls the words of the Holy Rosary, perfectly pronounced and perfectly voiced. She couldn't even talk, but the woman could pray. Now THAT is a grandmother worth honoring.

Labor day

2009-10-14T16:29:00.000-07:00

Labor

So, first, let me get the long awaited labor story out. Having had two weeks to fully reflect on the experience, I feel ready to share it with the world and know that it will not be a tale based only on the emotional experience but also a story crafted by drawing on my doula training.

I was nervous, going in. For weeks and weeks while I waited to hit 37, I was inwardly quaking.
First because this has been the single most difficult and painful pregnancy I have had thusfar, and second because, like always, this had been a high risk pregnancy, which makes for high risk deliveries. At the same time, I was excited-- I knew that I was becoming an "old pro" so to speak, and I couldn't WAIT to finally meet her. The bassinet by the bedside seemed so empty and the tiny cloth diapers all lined up in the closet were begging to be used.

37 weeks came and went, and I despaired. My body felt like there was just NO WAY she could keep remaining in there and allow me to survive. I suffered from terrible sciatica that left me unable to walk, heartburn like nothing else, and a variety of other pregnancy problems that are embarrassing and threatening to say the least. My kids went nuts without me to keep them in line. I was definitely ready and I assumed that, like my other two, she would appear at 37.
38 went by, and then 39, and I began to despair. My emotions completely took over as I tried to remind myself that I "couldn't stay pregnant forever... at some point, she was going to HAVE to come out." When I hit 40 weeks, I cried. Most of the day.
Three days later, having rehearsed every possible labor scenario in my head every time I had three consecutive contractions, I felt... funny. It was evening, and I had just finished watching our nightly House episode. Around 11 pm, I felt something happen down there and thought-- OH! I rushed to the bathroom and decided my bag of waters was leaking, as it had with Ishod. Remembering that my active Labor had been 78 hours with Annika and over 36 with Ishod, and fully prepared with my Bradley course and with my doula training, I was in NO rush to get admitted to the hospital just to be stuck flat on my back and poked with an IV and a Catheter.

I informed Wayne that my bag of waters was leaking and I was going to try and get some sleep before the contractions started. I had been having contractions regularly until then, so I felt prepared to handle them with ease and was psyched up.
At six am, though, when I felt the first contractions, I realized with what I would describe as horror that I had forgotten just how BAD labor pains really are. Needless to say, it had begun.

I spent the morning getting the kids ready to take off, checking and rechecking my hospital bag, and excitedly facebooking. Finally, at around 9:30 am, my friend Jen came to take the kids and told me to walk the cul de sac and labor peacefully at home for as long as possible. So pleased that God had given me such an amazing gift as to allow me to labor "on my own" for a while, I went in the house to get started. Sadly, my husband and Father in Law, neither of whom know the first thing about the childbirth experience other than "my wife gets pregnant, a baby comes out," met me at every contraction with resounding, bellowing cries that I needed to "go to the hospital right away." After two hours ,I caved in, mostly because they were annoying me so much I didn't think I was going to be able to handle laboring at home after all.. I absolutely could not relax.

The OBGYN and midwife said that I should come to the office, where the staff greeted us and placed us first in line to be seen.
"You're so CALM!" said one receptionist. Wayne and I laughed.

The midwife checked me, and said that my bag of waters had not actually broken but was, as I suspected, leaking. She said I was about 4 cm and that she would go ahead and admit me so that I could labor in peace in a hospital room with a hep lock and walking rights, orders to be checked every hour, and a smile. Our priest came and annointed me as I was checking in to the hospital, and they bypassed triage and put me straight in the room.

My sister in law, Jessica, rapidly showed up at the hospital while Wayne and his brother went and got some lunch. She was AMAZING.
She had had a doula and learned a lot of techniques to help speed up the labor and move it along, and like me, she is a person who is uncannily aware of her own body and able to pinpoint certain aspects of the mind/body/spirit connection that so many people often miss.

I was thrilled to have her, particularly because she knew techniques which I had never had the opportunity to use because, as you probably know, I have always been bed-ridden during my labors in the past. I felt so happy and proud as we prepared to walk the halls. She was also very calm and very encouraging, which helped me to get "excited" about what was happening instead of dreading it.

We walked for one hour, with her coaching me through contractions. I walked, sat on the toilet, and walked some more. We squatted and knelt like crazy people... and the more we moved, the more insane the contractions got. Every time I felt unable to continue, she reminded me: "This is good! This means it's WORKING. This means baby is coming." etc etc.

It hardly seemed like any time had passed at all when I found myself bent over in deep concentrated agony, suddenly realizing with a panic in my throat that I wasn't sure that I COULD handle the coming contraction-- the pain was getting so much stronger and I felt I had lost control since they were coming virtually every minute. At that point, a nurse or doctor who happened to be passing noticed that I was extremely distressed, and recommended we go back to get checked. In my head, I thought-- this must be that "third sign" we are looking for in the Bradley Method--- it's at this point that I should have arrived at the Hospital. We went back to the room and the nurse checked me in. In an hour of walking, I had gone from 4 to 8 and was right around Transition. No wonder I felt so out of control! I had wanted a completely natural childbirth, and here it was. Jessica kept reassuring me that this was all "good," and yet I had begun to feel afraid and was slipping in my concentration into panic mode.

Wayne arrived at this point, and I was so thankful to see his gorgeous face. Jessica gave him some tips to help him help me-- telling him to persist in reminding me that it was vital that I stay calm, centered, focused and relaxed. I kept trying to remember what I had learned in my Bradley book- that I needed to achieve DEEP relaxation in order to make it through each contraction. By nine centimeters, I was sleeping for the minute before each contraction, a deep, profound, relaxed sleep, and then awakening to the beginnings of the next pain cycle. But by the time I reached the crest of the wave of the contraction, I would begin to panic, recognizing that they were longer and longer and that I felt such tremendous pressure, particularly in my backside, that I would not survive the pain and just burst all over the LDR bed. It was at this point that a nurse came in to tell me that if I wanted anesthesia, I had to act quickly because they were very busy.

Jess was leaving, and Wayne was praying over me, and I KNEW in that instant that I wanted it-- I had lost control of myself and felt that I would literally die if I experienced one more contraction. I said yes, and proceeded to beg for the anesthesiologist to appear. I remember nothing about this period except looking deep into Wayne's eyes and begging him to "help me." He was powerless to do so.

By the time the anesthesiologist arrived, he was irritated with me. I was nine cm, and there was, quite honestly, no reason for him to be giving me an epidural. Looking back, I'm surprised he agreed. And even more surprised-- and frustrated-- that the Nurse asked me at that time! I'm quite certain that had no one MENTIONED anesthesia to me, I would have simply progressed and birthed the baby completely naturally on my own. That panic was simply a part of the process.
However, the nurse and doctor, in a really pissy mood, harshly reprimanded me in this way:

"Now, you have ONE chance to get this epidural. If you move AT ALL, you will not get it, and you might get very, seriously hurt. We are not going to stop when you have a contraction. You are going to have to be still. Do you understand?" I nodded, although I felt completely incapable of controlling myself through another contraction. I didn't care, I just wanted the pain to stop.
I leaned over a pillow into the nurse's lap, and he began the procedure. No sooner had we begun than I felt a contraction coming on. Amazingly enough, knowing that I had to "just get through" this contraction, go deep within myself and find calm.... this idea alone completely calmed me. In fact, I hadn't had such a calm contraction since that morning at 6 am. It was followed rapidly by two others before he was done, and instantly I knew that the key to labor was, is, and ever will be your frame of mind when in the midst of it. I was SO disappointed that I now had an epidural.

Resigned to just finish up slowly (I still hadn't realized just how far along in the process I was yet) I lay back and began to work with the contractions, expecting, at any moment, to feel relief. Of course, by then, I was nearing ten cm, and amazingly enough, the epidural didn't take. I still felt every contraction, every muscle, every pang. I still felt panicked, but also began to internalize the lesson I had just learned with my epidural, that my brain was the key to this whole experience.
By this time, my other labor helpers had arrived-- Annie, Cherry and eventually, Jen.
I don't remember much from this period except how soothing it was to be surrounded by people who loved the Lord, particularly since my nurse wasn't very verbal if she was, in fact, a Christian at all. At one point, Cherry led us in a song. I had felt, up until then, that God had simply abandoned me. The pain was so severe that I thought I would just die-- in fact, I wished that I would rather than keep feeling it! I couldn't imagine that a God who loved me would allow me to experience such incredible, devastating pain. And yet-- as soon as her sweet voice began to rise towards heaven-- I FELT Him, in a tangible, knock-you-flat sort of way. I started crying, and I KNEW that Labor was teaching me about sanctification, and that it was OK, and that He was there.

My other favorite moment came when I hit around 10 and began REALLY wanting to push. They asked me to wait because my midwife wasn't responding to her pages, so I panted, groaned, and held her in as best I could, all the while telling everyone I could find in the room in a desperate voice how much I wanted to push and how great the pressure was, particularly in my backside. Cherry began to lay hands on me and pray in tongues, which instantly soothed my fears and reminded me to call on the Holy Spirit, who desired nothing more in that moment than to fill me with His joy. At the same time, on the other side of my bed, Annie was pulling out her bible (because I had asked her to read me Psalm 91 out loud.) She held up a faded holy card, putting it right in my face, and said lovingly: "Here's a picture of the Pope."
I reveled in that moment, and will probably never forget it-- how good our God is that He gave me every part of Him that is important to me to comfort me during my darkest hour.

Somehow, finally, they allowed me to start pushing, and (to my surprise, although I could not stop to think about how I felt about this)they allowed everyone to stay in the room! So there I was, pushing, with my husband AND my friends around. :P
It was actually quite perfect.. they had been so sweet and taken time out of very busy schedules to pray me through this experience, and God allowed them to see the fruits of their labor and be present at the actual birth, to see not just the hard stuff, but the glorious stuff as well. I am so thankful for that!

Since the epidural didn't take, it took only a couple pushes for me to get her out, and I was amazed at how easy the pushing seemed when contrasted with the sharp pains of the contractions. It actually felt kind of good. She emerged a beautiful, dark haired, dark skinned baby at 4:09 pm after only 10 hours of labor! This time around I tore pretty well but didn't require stitches. (hooray!)

In the end, I had an unnaturally natural childbirth, which is one step closer to the type of birth I hope to have if there ever is a next time. I discussed it at length with my OBGYN and he made some great points that I had picked up on right away with some reflection. We both felt that it was the walking that put me out of control. Instead of coping with the contractions, and slowly easing into them, I intensified them and did everything I could to move the baby down. Since this pregnacy had been so risky and painful and since the last four weeks of it had entailed mostly me being in excruciating pain, I needed to approach my labor experience in a gentle manner, and not as a warrior on a mission. While the exercises and walking I did with Jess were VERY effective (and I mean VERY!) they may have pushed my body too far too fast, which is how I reached the state that I can only describe as "out of control" so quickly. For someone like me, who has had three births in three years and who is not so young anymore, labor needs to be approached carefully and quietly, with very little "pushing" to get my body to do what it's doing. This means my labors might be longer, but ultimately, it means that my recoveries will be shorter-- this particular recovery has been harder than any previous one and my postpartum stuff particularly intense... some of it, sadly, permanent.

One thing that I lacked during pain management was a RHYTHM... I completely forgot about the three R's of labor (Ritual, Rhythm, Relaxation) and focused solely on "trying to relax," even though the Ritual and the Rhythm are what get you there in the first place.

I also was so moved by two aspects of the experience: First, how much it meant to my husband to be a part of the labor AND birth, not just the birth. I always assumed that he was the type who would be happier in the waiting room with a pack of cigarettes, but turns out he was GREATLY concerned with being with me and helping me, which I found totally amazing. Likewise, I became aware during this labor of the necessity of having wise, praying women around-- ones who KNOW exactly what you are going through and who can do it with you.

All in all, I am, again, completely moved and overwhelmed by the spiritual nature of the hard work of labor, and God's wisdom in giving it to us women. I thank each of the very special women who, both physically and spiritually, prayed me through the difficulties of Childbirth, and especially my incredible husband, without whom I would never know the sweetness of birth or the beautiful faces of our children.

Ulrika is here!

2009-10-06T09:41:00.001-07:00

Make a Smilebox photobook

When to speak and when to be silent.

2009-08-06T16:56:00.001-07:00

Have had an interesting week. We are in the process of moving and I'm nesting pretty bad and only a few weeks away from having this baby, so I'm pretty tired, hormonal and overwhelmed. In fact, can't remember the last time I was this tired. But I'm realizing the importance of staying positive, remaining optimistic even in rather dire and irritating circumstances, and giving myself space to just relax and not get bent out of shape when things seem absolutely impossible. In the end, God's will be done.

I wrote a letter to the Parish liturgist at the beginning of the week about some of the things which can be construed as liturgical abuses and some of the things which result from just plain sloppiness that seem to be a norm in our parish, which is something I had never done before. I don't like to "Stir the pot" in my public life and I am not one to think that I'll change much by talking about stuff. In it, I tried to lay a foundation for the message I was bringing by giving my testimony-- explaining why, for this protestant-turned-Catholic, it was crucial that we not lose sight of tradition and our Holy foundations, that we not turn away from the three things which make us different from protestants... Unity, Authority, and the Sacraments.
I haven't gotten a response from him yet, but I did CC the Pastor. I then typed it up on facebook and tagged some friends who I knew would be interested, which turned out to cause a HUGE ruckus because there were so many of the Parish's members who shared a friends list with my friends and who, as a result, read my note and were outraged. I say "outraged" because in true liberal manner they didn't hesitate to open their mouths and tell me what they thought about the issues raised in my private letter, as if I had asked, and continued by insinuating all kinds of wierd things about me.... like I was disrespectful (of who? God? by requesting that we be less sloppy about mass? of priests? By requesting that we give them the honor due their position?)

Anyways, what a hullaballoo, and now I see that all sorts of people are "talking" about it in the Parish setting. So here's the thing. This is the first church we've been at where we didn't feel compelled to try to "climb the social ranks" and impress anybody. We have a priest, we don't need to impress him, and thusfar in our Catholic experience, our priests have been like family to us.
Outside of the men in black, we have a circle of intimate friends whom we share our life with-- people who GET what being a Catholic is all about and who diligently strive to receive all that God has to give on a daily basis. Outside of that, we have focused our ministry as a family and learned to exert whatever energy we have left on that, leaving not much room for Church potlucks and fundraisers. That's not our scene, never has been, and quite honestly, it's refreshing that, for the first time in our lives, it doesn't have to be. The authority in our Church comes not from the social elite but from the Vatican, and thus we are in good, safe, and wise hands. I am fine with the fact that people are bent out of shape, and I"m fine with the fact that I said what I thought. I do believe I spoke the truth in love, and when I later second guessed myself and went Church-document hunting to see if I had said anything inappropriate, I discovered that my CLAIMS, as far as what constitutes liturgical abuse, were perfectly accurate according to the Vatican.

But all the drama has caused me to stop and think. I know that my letter will not change a thing as far as the liturgist's heart and mind goes. I also know that he is FULLY aware of the direction he takes in the choices he makes, and that he makes these choices with a purpose in mind-- the exaltation of the laity and the squashing of the clergy, thus removing those three pesky things I mentioned above which keep us Catholic and not protestant: Unity, Authority, and the Sacraments.

This has made me all the more determined to pray for priests and to respond to the needs of our priests in every way that I can. And I find that the more I'm willing to do that, the more opportunities God sends my way (and my husband and children's way) to minister to priests, who need it!

I was given one such opportunity today when a visiting priest and I had the opportunity to grab lunch. We had wanted to get together because he had studied in Rome as a seminarian and specialized in Carmelite Spirituality, which gave us an instant bond, and he was, as he said "trying to get it from his head to his heart." Boy, do I relate to that. But in the process of our lunchtime conversation, I ended up being on the receiving end of some of the most profound spiritual direction I have ever received.

With regards to this particular letter, he simply reminded me ever so gently that at the end of the day ALL I HAVE IS PEACE. I could not let anyone steal that from me.
It is only by-- as I always say-- being the change we want to see that anything gets done. He reminded me of the need to recognize that change is a SLOW process- sometimes taking entire decades, and that there is much healing and reconciliation required always to mend rifts where Satan has had success.

He also brought up the many Carmelite saints who recommended that even if we suffer a terrible injustice, we should bear it-- as Christ said, turning the other cheek-- because who knew what injustice we had caused in another? Thus he brought me back over and over to the central point which so many people often miss: God calls us to find UNION with Him, and does not require perfection for that union. In other words, I can respond to His great love for me without first being completely spotless, and it is in that response that I will change. And as I change, I affect those around me who also start to respond to that Love which is for them.

It was so good to be reminded of these things, and good to remember the wisdom of St John of the Cross who says how great it is to be still, and silent, and not to worry about what others are saying and doing but only to listen for the voice of God always. Thus we cultivate that inner peace that comes only from the soul who has learned to trust God because it feels God's tangible love and is overwhelmed by it's strength and honesty.

So in your own comings and goings, perhaps there is some area in which God has called you to silently bear an injustice or frustration which He SEES and will respond to, but which He asks you to stop in the midst of and receive His love, which accomplishes all things. I know that in my own life, I'm seeing time and again where I need to stop, sit, and shut my mouth. And pray.

I shared with him something which I rarely say to people-- that I am often afraid of simply disappearing. I say this because as a secular person in the world and even as a protestant, the measure of my success was the impact that I had and the visibility of said impact. How much was I published? Which prestigious papers had I worked at? How BIG was my ministry? How famous?
The Catholic way is so different. Father reminded me today that, in a particularly Carmelite fashion, we must become "little nothings."

It teaches us to grow smaller and smaller--- As scripture says, I must decrease so He can increase-- and to allow ourselves to hide in His wings. There, resting, we find so much love that we realize we have not vanished but actually become One with the breath of life that flows through everything. And this-- THIS-- is Union and perfection. Nothing less.

Praise be to Jesus Christ, as the Carmelites say. I know where to find perfect love!

Detaching from the Storms of Life.

2009-07-29T04:12:00.000-07:00

There was another storm last night-- I snapped.
Ordinarily, I've come to love thunderstorms. They are a summer staple here in the South, and are usually only a few hours of crashing thunder and blinding lightening that often find me and the husband huddled on the front porch, watching with awe what God can do. Our summers are so hot that these storms are welcome breaks, and it's always sort of exciting when the sky gets really black and ominous and the low rumbles start.
Unfortunately, this year we discovered that me oldest has a real serious fear of thunderstorms. She's the type of kid who doesn't like noises, period. A sensitive, like me, she notices even the slightest whir of a passing car or the far of whistle of a passing train in the distance. These things really bother her in the silence of her pre-sleep "quiet time," so you can imagine that she finds thunder absolutely distressing.
It isn't 30 seconds between the first crack of thunder before she's screaming to us: "MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! The STOIM!!!"

Sometimes it bothers my second, most he usually sleeps through it. She, on the other hand, absolutely flips. In the past, we have let her snuggle up between us, her head under the covers, and wait them out. But now that we have storms at least twice a week, I'm starting to get more than a little annoyed at this habit.
Why? It's simple. Because I'm selfish.

I don't get time to myself, and I don't want to be up all night staring at my kids. If this marriage is going to survive, we need some no-kids time to build and nurture what we can't easily nurture with a quickie when I have high risk pregnancies if you know what I mean. Likewise, I need time to THINK. As sensitive as I am to noise and what not, I'm the type of person who needs SILENCE in order to think, pray, and just be still for a while. I find it unbearable to be in the presence of another when I'm trying to journal, or read, or pray. Not always, of course, but when I want to "really" do it. And these days, I want to really do it. Having young children really takes it out of you, and the level of stress due to our ever precarious financial situation etc leads me quickly to the proverbial edge, from which I am only kept by some quiet time in the presence of God when I can listen for that "Still, Small Voice."

Because I don't drive, I don't have the same opportunities other moms have to take some "me time." I do EVERYTHING with other people, even grocery shopping. Come the end of my day, all I can think about is that 1/2 hour to an hour of Bible reading and prayer time I'm going to get before my husband comes sauntering into the living room asking to watch an episode of X Files with me or something.

So, all this to say that I protect that time with everything I've got. I used to get like this about nap time, too.... If something interrupted the silence of naptime, I went on a warpath. It was the only time during the day when BOTH my kids were silent for two hours, and darn it, I was going to take FULL advantage. I realized when my husband came back to work at home that that naptime just COULDN'T be sacred to me anymore-- no matter what happened, I could never seem to keep the entire block of time to myself because someone would always show up at the door, come home, or call. On days where they didn't, one of the kids would sleep less than the other, etc. I went through every phase of anger and frustration, seriously letting a missed or ruined naptime wreck the rest of my day because I was so ANGRY at the injustice of it--- why was it too much to ask, when I give and give and give all day, for 2 stinking hours of perfect silence?
It wasn't until I learned to just take what I got (5 minutes or 2 hours) and roll with it without allowing bitterness to set in that God started, slowly, rewarding me with consolations in other forms... although I wasn't getting my "ME" time, my kids were better behaved, my husband was happier and therefore more pleasant, etc, when I didn't turn into a hellcat when naptime went unprotected and learned to just "go with the flow." learning this was similar to learning how to function with a husband who has different ideas than I do about planning.

When Peter and I were first married, I would get SO angry at him for bouncing out of bed and saying "we're going to to ________________ today! Let's go. Get your shoes on." I was the kind of person who laid out my clothes the night before, packed my purse the night before, and had written down what time I"d be where for weeks in advance in my little black organizer. I don't DO spontaneous. I don't like it. I like to know exactly how much time I have so that I can plan on doing exactly what I want to do. Selfish? Perhaps. I call it sensible. I remember fighting with him viciously for YEARS to maintain my sense of control over my time. I HAD to have two hours to get ready in the morning. I HAD to have knocked off the items on my to-do list. I was inflexible with these things, and OH, how our marriage suffered. Like naptime, it wasn't until I learned to relinquish these control sessions in which I got to plan and organize every minute of my day that God started giving me small consolations-- I found that I really LIKED some of the places my husband randomly took me, and that I really enjoyed some of the moments I had been missing by being so stinking stubborn. I now consider a badge of honor that I can get three persons (myself and the kids) out the door with NO notice in less than ten minutes and not forget anything crucial. I've learned to cope with that, and I've been given the gift of peacefully enjoying my family in that sense.

So why are thunderstorms different? Because they are tailor-made to take away that FINAL sense of "me time" that I get to myself. In the last month, virtually EVERY thunder storm we have had except one has been between the hours of 7-10 pm. Which is exactly the time I have between when I put the kids down and when I turn into a pumpkin if I don't get into bed. It's as if God Himself has ordained these storms to PERFECTLY destroy any semblance of 'alone' time I had planned in order to get something through to me: You cannot have what you want. I have gone through every range of emotions over these things (I'm sure the pregnancy helps) and just could not figure out why God would be so mean to me. HE has the power to let me daughter sleep through these storms, or to remove her fear of them. He doesn't. He has the power to prevent the storms, or to make them occur just 2 hours BEFORE bedtime instead of AT bedtime or in the middle of the night. He doesn't. Ultimately, I have to trust that He is allowing it for a reason, for some greater good, because He IS goodness itself. But just like my kids don't like it when I don't let them run in the street, I'm found, on nights like last night, shaking my fists, stomping my feet, and raging around the house in a temper tantrum that rivals my own children's at the injustice of it all. It might not seem like such a big deal to you, reader. "So what, you have to spend a couple nights a week holding your kid instead of reading a book. Get over it." BUT it is a BIG deal to me, because little by little EVERY night of every week and every day of every week is being given to others until I feel like I have no idea who I am anymore.

Until last night. As I slowly succumbed to the fact that this stinking storm was here to stay (And scheduled to stay all night) and that my daughter wasn't leaving my side, I gave up and just started reading to her. I chose Heidi, because I'm homesick for the alps right now. She ended up being so funny and interesting that I totally forgot how annoyed I was for at least forty minutes. By the time the storm had calmed, she proceeded to amaze me by saying she was planning on being brave in the storm, and asking to go to sleep in her room. She even asked me to turn OFF the nightlight, something she NEVER does. I put her down again, just in time to start my nightly get-in-bed myself routine, thinking that while it really hadn't ended up being ALL that bad, it still wasn't FAIR.

I put on my spelunking headlamp (the kids have our only lamp) and went to read a few pages of St John of the Cross, to see if I could find some answers. And find them I did--- on the tail end of the part I have just figured out. His "system" is to first train the soul to release attachment to any possessions and material things which might be hindering them. LOngtime blog readers will recall how much and how often I have, in the past, struggled with the loss of ALL my possessions-- with the idea that I would have to give up all my stuff. Thankfully, God has granted me absolute serenity in the area of physical material possessions so that I am actually quite at peace with this upcoming move and the fact that, once again, we are going to lose most of our possessions. But what is it about time that makes it different?

St John of the Cross spoke about our attachments in different terms. He wasn't just talking about things. If we can get rid of our attachment to THINGS, then we have achieved the first part of spiritual poverty, and it is a step up the mountain of Carmel. But there is so much more. He demonstrated how, in Numbers, the Israelites were so frustrated with the Manna. They had this bread from heaven-- this perfect bread-- but they clammored for meat and onions and things which this bread was not. Here was bread that nourished them perfectly and was ALWAYS available right when they needed it, but instead of being fully satisfied with it, they wanted more-- and what's worse, they wanted perishable food that they couldn't count on to ALWAYS satisfy. He shows us how it's the same with our attachments to other things besides just material possessions.

We can have extreme attachments to relationships. This is something that I learned to cope with when I first got married-- that ultimately, people are people and will disappoint us, that we can expect them NEVER to hurt us or to always do the right thing. We cannot be so attached to a relationship that we feel we cannot go on if it (the relationship) suddenly were not. Etc. I've seen attachments to relationships utterly demolish people, and I am thankful for the lessons I've learned with regards to detaching from the outcomes of relationships.

The piece I've been missing is that I can have an attachment to my TIME. I can be so attached to knowing that I'm going to be X place at Y time, that it utterly destroys my peace when instead I find that i have no choice to be in Z place instead. Instead, I need to learn to detach COMPLETELY from the outcome of every day and situation, knowing that God, in His wisdom, will have me exactly where He wants me to do be and then being open to what it is that He wants me to do. I truly, TRULY can no longer be my own if He is to live in me. This is great wisdom, but of course I learned it all too late to act on it when my daughter decided to do what she does and need help in a storm. SHE didn't destroy my peace, and neither did God. I did, because I allowed myself to believe that I was going to have a quiet night and nothing was going to deter me from that.

Scripture addresses this directly.

James 4:13-15

13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."

Thank God for clarity that comes in the morning. Lord, help me to detach not just from possessions but from people and time as well. Take ALL my will.

My inbox: Some questions and answers about Catholicism

2009-07-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

I get a LOT of email from people (both friends, acquaintances, and people I have never met) who have an interest in trying to UNDERSTAND Catholicism but who just can't for whatever reason. I'll admit, I am pretty swamped these days with the rigorous demands of being a stay-at-home mom to two toddlers, being about to pop with #3, and my wifely and Carmelite duties. But even in the midst of that, I have a hard time saying no to answering these questions. I know how important it was for ME to have these questions answered when I was pondering the salvation of my Catholic family members. So with that in mind, I give you the latest installment of questions from my inbox:

My dear friend Barbie,

I think of you often and was glad to see your post on facebook this evening. You referred to many of the questions I often contemplate and still struggle with at times concerning your going back to the Catholic church.I love your zeal to live for Jesus and I am happy to have a friend that I can go to freely with my questions. I do not speak as eloquently as you do and I know you are well researched, so please forgive me as I try and formulate my thoughts in a rational way. There is something in my spirit that is troubled by many of the practices of the Catholic church. You gave answers to the questions people ask, but I do not believe it reaches the heart of many of the issues. My first struggle with what you said is that the Catholic church has perfect doctrine. I do not understand this since the Pope is able to change certain doctrine. I do believe the Bible is inerrant. I am unclear if this is something you still believe?? I also have a hard time with your creation vs. evolution argument and believe there are many scientific facts that indeed point to creation. Check out www.answersingenesis.com. I do not understand why there are so many lost and confused Catholics that convert to Christianity. I do agree that denominations are a tool of Satan, but I also believe the church is neither a building or a denomination, but a people who are chosen by Christ, who chose Christ...which, like you said is a combination of both predestination and free choice. I actually can relate more to the church with sinful leaders, than a church that claims perfection but has hidden secrets. Both point to a fallen man. Your right about becoming frustrated with wondering if there is a place where anyone is living as a Christian should. I truly believe that it is in Christ alone that we can hope to be something more than we are as a new creation through Jesus' perfect sacrifice. I know we both love Jesus and you are my sister in Christ, but it scares me that so many in the Catholic church find Mary, but miss Jesus. That is what is the hardest thing to overcome. I know you say that it is a misconception of the Catholic doctrine, but why do so many of the Catholics I know believe it or used to believe it. And isn't the Catechism of the Catholic church adding something to the Holy Scriptures? Sorry, a little lengthy and I am sure I didn't word everything exactly right, but you know I love you and I do want to come to a better understanding.

The woman who wrote this email means a great deal to me. She is one of those rare gems we encounter who wholeheartedly commited herself to Christ and to the family He entrusted her with, and I hope and pray that my answer, albeit brief, will be helpful to her.

First, on the question of Doctrine.
Doctrine is simply the set of beliefs that Catholics must universally hold, and that the Church as an entity has determined to be "True." While all Christians believe that the Bible, in it's entirety, is "True," the thing which (rightly) divides us is doctrine, since doctrine is the interpretation of the Scriptures and Spiritual laws which guide us in our lives of faith. Thus, "purity of doctrine" is a very important thing to have-- we need to be in Churches where they teach the Truth, and we need to, when we see falsehoods being taught as truth, correct them. This was one of my hardest difficulties as a protestant-- I never 100 percent agreed with ANY of my pastors on EVERY issue of biblical relevance. There was always something they believed that I thought was dead wrong. As a Catholic, I can honestly say I no longer have that problem, and I can also say that it is an amazing and glorious thing-- to have achieved perfect unity of the faith with so many of my brothers and sisters in Christ!
So how did the Catholic Church develop the "doctrines of the Catholic faith?"
The beliefs of our Church are based on two things: Holy Scripture, and Holy Tradition. Scripture is the Word of God, handed down to us. Tradition is the teachings of the initial "Fathers of the Faith," handed down to us. In other words, when the Bible is "unclear" or leaves a certain question relatively open to interpretation, we use the interpretation that was at the root of the Christian faith, and that continues to be accepted by those who hold the spiritual authority bestowed upon them by the laying on of hands of the initial apostles, and of course, Christ Himself.
To understand the role of the Pope, we cannot see him as "the guy who makes the rules," but rather as the supreme protector and defender of the Faith we already have--- He may not change or alter doctrine, but may CLARIFY or further explain something which we already hold to be true. (for example, we knew that God was pro-life. It was only as the question of life was examined by theologians over time that HOW THAT PLAYS OUT in our lives was clarified and determined.) Further, the pope is not infallible. He is a human being, a sinner, and like all of us capable of profound error. What the Catholic Church does allow for, however, is that if a question of particular relevance comes up, and the question is examined and thoroughly investigated, the Pope has the ability to represent Christ AND the Church by making an infallible declaration. This is not something that happens regularly, nor is it something that anyone takes "lightly." And while this idea might seem foreign, consider that it resembles something like this: there is a debate amongst Christians in the middle east where Islam is the norm, and the question refers to Christ's actual death. Some Christians, like their muslim counterparts, begin to believe that Christ did not actually DIE on the cross. The question is examined, and the pope might infallibly declare that Christ did, indeed, DIE for our sins and that this an infallible truth. Never does infallibility refer to statements like "we will all wear purple on Thursdays from now on because Jesus says so." Hopefully, that clarifies the question of the Pope's role, how doctrine is determined, and what infallibility actually IS. I absolutely still believe that the Word of God is free of error.

Regarding Creation vs Evolution. I may not have been as clear and concise as I could have been in my last blog, but I will attempt to do so now. As I am about the farthest thing from a scientist that is out there, I will say that I am particularly challenged by the task of explaining this since I really don't know much about it. What I do know is this: There are two "sectors" of understanding when it comes to Christian thought about Evolution. One says that we evolved, the other says that we were created as we are. Both schools of thought have scientists who offer various proofs and explanations for their beliefs. Generally, Christians tend to be pro-Creationist and extremely anti-Evolution, going as far as to take their children out of schools for the sole purpose of avoiding the Evolution scenario, etc.
My earlier statement was simply that within Catholic thought, there is room for dialogue and for the very healthy response that "we just don't know." There is compelling evidence on both sides of the argument (if there weren't, the argument would not exist, right?) which makes a person like me, who examines both sides, sort of scratch my head. What we DO know, as Catholics, is that God created us. Thus IF (and that's a big, HUGE monster IF) evolution DOES exist, God made it and it's a part of His plan. Further, our evolution would have no effect on the reality of the Creation story as it is laid out in the Bible, etc. So basically, Evolution (which is a MAKE OR BREAK deal for many scientifically minded people who would LIKE to believe in God but just can't if Creationism is the only option) can be encouraged to consider that there is nothing in Catholic doctrine that says that Evolution is false, simply that if it does exist, it is a product of God's plan and has no bearing whatsoever on His purpose for us Humans.

Why are so many Catholics lost and confused and converting to nondenominational Christianity? As one of those "lost sheep" myself, I can certainly relate to this question and have had to ponder it myself... what caused me to walk away from the Church? The answer, I think, is a composite of three very serious problems the Church faces. First, the post-Vatican II confusion. Before Vatican II, there was very little "wiggle room" or room for interpretation as far as what being a Catholic meant, what Catholics believed, and what they did. After the second Vatican council, the entire world went into the turmoil of the sixties. Because the council was not EXPLICIT as far as maintaining some of the most basic aspects of the faith, and because of the stress and emphasis placed on lay participation with a TOTAL lack of clarification regarding spiritual authority etc, in a time when ALL authority was put into question, the climate of the last thirty years of Catholic life, particularly in the West, has totally declined. The Seminaries were full to overflowing with people who really have no business becoming priests, thus exacerbating the problem and setting the stage for a climate of "change" which ultimately wounded the Church. Truth suddenly began to be watered down, and watered down, and the influences of protestantism ("everybody think for themselves," etc) seeped in in major ways. This caused confusion among the faithful, many of whom do not regognize the TRUTH the Church teaches "officially" in what they see displayed at their local Parish. Secondly, the sixties and seventies brought with them a rise in the culture of death, the proliferation of methods of Birth Control, and the "Me Generation." These things contributed to the destruction of the family unit and ultimately to the crisis we have in the worldwide Church today--- Children are not being Catechized, and if they ARE being Catechized (taught the faith) they are rarely seeing it lived out in their homes. People have become Cultural Catholics, Catholic by name only, as opposed to living as they are called, For the glory of Christ. Lastly, there has been, in the past few years ,a strong "return" to the Faith and to adherence to scripture in the generation who suffered from their parents' generational failures. These young people are absolutely ON FIRE for Christ, but because of the previous two reasons I just described, are not finding that thirst satiated within the Church because there are so FEW examples of radical Christian living. With the decline of vocations to the Priesthood and in particular to religious life, we find around us so few examples of RADICAL FAITH. Thus, I think many young Catholics are drawn to the easily accessible role models of radical faith they see in their local megachurches, who are actively evangelizing and testifying of their radically changed lives ALL the time.

Finding Mary, but missing Jesus. Devotion to Mary, from a Protestant perspective, makes absolutely no sense unless one examines the doctrine of the Communion of Saints (which I don't have time for right now, but I have blogged about in the past and will continue to blog about in the future) I will say, though, that those who find the REAL Mary: ie. the Woman who bore Christ in her womb and who said "yes" to God every step of the journey of her life, will never miss Christ. The Mary of Scripture and Church Tradition is the Mary who says: "I am with you, now look to my Son." Without exception.
Anyone who finds Mary will find Christ at every step of their relationship with her. YES, there are PLENTY of freaky deaky wierdoes out there who venerate Mary above and beyond the Lord God Almighty. But those people are not practicing the true Faith of Catholicism. If we want to know what the CHURCH teaches about Mary, we need only to look to the Catechism.

Which brings me to the last question: Isn't the Catechism adding to Scripture? The Catechism of the Catholic Church is a statement of Faith that is so in depth it covers absolutely every question of doctrine that has ever been adressed. When protestant Churches are built, created, etc, they MUST post a statement of faith, which is what we use to determine: "Is this a Bible-believing Church that my family can attend?" A bad statement of faith sets off red flags that I don't want to be going there to learn from something outside a source of truth. This is what the Catechism is and does-- it teaches the Faith of Scripture and Traditions of the Church in a systematic way. It is not an addition to scripture but an elaboration on how we are to understand what we read in scripture-- think of it like a Bible Commentary that everyone should know. (in fact, when I win the lottery I will commission someone to create a Catholic Bible that contains ONLY commentary from the Catechism ;))

I hope that all of your questions have been somewhat clearly addressed. As I am sure there will be more, I look forward to hearing from you again and again as I never tire of talking about these things. SO much love!!!

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I have a question. How does the passage 1st Timothy 3 about Bishops , Pastors and Decons fit into the preisthood? Since it says husband of one wife. I'm confused and still studying.

On the priesthood and the celibate life. While the subject of the priesthood is an extraordinarily wide reaching one with many things to take into consideration, I will try to be as brief as I can. My temptation, when returning to the Church, was to think of the priest as "officially ordained" Pastors of the Catholic Church. And while that is true, the priesthood is so much more than that.
AMong other things, priests are specifically set apart BY GOD to perpetually offer sacrifices as well as to represent Him on behalf of His Bride. Thus, the priest is spiritually married to the Church, His bride. Because of the Nature of the Holy Trinity, the Priests also share in the Fatherhood of God--- in Spiritually nurturing and Fathering the people of God. Because they are human, believing men, they are also Sons of God and thus, our brothers.
Each of these roles are vital in understanding who they are. You are right, Scripture clearly lays out the specifics that say how a married priest, bishop etc is to act and what can be expected of Him. But because we believe the WHOLE Bible, we must also take into consideration the passages where St Paul, for example, tells us that it is better to be single than to be married. With this in mind, the Church, in her wisdom, makes a distinction between what is blessed and what is "MORE" blessed. We do have married priests in the Catholic Church. (not many, but there are some.) These priests are certainly blessed to have these families. However those priests who are NOT married are certainly MORE blessed to be able to complete their ministerial duties in a far less taxing manner. It's important to stop here and recognize why Priests are more like superheros than pastors. They are on call (and busy!) not just 12 but 24 hours a day, serving the people of God by bringing the sacraments to them. They have MUCH more to do than offer a good sermon once a week (try once a day!) and visit the sick in the congregation. They are literally slaves of the Lord, and as such, those types of responsibilities require the ability to NOT have to spend any precious energy on a wife, or children, who would (and do!) undoubtedly suffer greatly at the rigorous demands of the priestly calling.
So it is not that it would be WRONG for a priest to be married, it is that it is so much BETTER for him not to be married, and as such, the Church holds men to that "HIGHER" calling.

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I just wanted to pop in and say I've been watching EWTN and they have 2 programs that oddly addressed the questions I kind of listed in my last message. So I understand how the laws were never meant for gentiles and how our salvation in through trust in Jesus rather than works on the side. I guess the law remains for the Jew though, because how can something be eternal in one covenant and then abandoned in the next? ahh confused lol

I bought a catechism too so I'll be reading from that. However, I did want to ask how you wear a headcovering to church. I'm nervous of doing it, but I feel it is soooo essential, I cannot pray without it...and being in the house of God without one is silly. I don't know if you have a certain style or anything, I don't want all eyes on me ya know? And also...the lady of fatima sightings I believe it was, didn't the apparition say in her 15 promises that if you recite the rosary you are safe from hell, or something to that effect? Isn't this blasphemous? I know most of the rosary is scripture from the bible, I'm just hesitant to pray it...being it isn't straight to Jesus.

Re: headcovering You absolutely do NOT have to wear a chapel veil or mantilla to church if you are interested in fulfilling the biblical mandate to cover your head. In fact, I often don't! mantillas are the traditional Catholic option for women who grew up in the West and were influenced by the traditions of Spain and Italy. In France, where I grew up, women simply wear baboushkas (square scarves folded into a triangle and knotted behind the neck or under the chin) and in most middle eastern areas, women wear long rectangular scarves, loose hijab style, wrapped around the head and neck. If you don't want to stand out, then observe what the women in your parish might be wearing. However, I will say that in most American Churches (unless you attend a predominantly ethnically diverse parish) the women who DO cover will be wearing Chapel Veils (which a friend of mine calls doilies :P) and so that is probably the less conspicuous option. In many parishes, you will be hard pressed to find ANYONE who covers their head, in which case, I say, just go for whatever makes you feel comfortable!

On the Rosary. The Rosary is first, and foremost, a meditation: it is a prayer, yes, but a prayer rooted in placing ourselves in the figurative shoes of Mary as she watched her Son and Savior fulfill his mission. It might take a while to get accustomed to praying the hail mary (Which is a prayer taken directly from Scripture) but you will already feel comfortable praying the Our Father or the Glory Be. In the Rosary, then, we both pray verbally, with our hands, and with your minds.
We both give to God in prayer and receive from Him in meditation. It's like 20 minutes a day of perfect peace and time alone with Him. I have blogged before several times about the Rosary and you can certainly find those blogs in my search bar. But the thing I would say to you is this: God knows your heart. He knows that you desire to worship Him alone, and He knows that you desire also to draw closer to Him. Pray the Rosary a few times, and ask the HOLY spirit to be your guide as you do so. He will let you know if it is something pleasing to Him or not. I agonized for a while between a desire to pray the rosary and a fear that I was doing something spiritually incorrect by doing so. I took my own advice and asked God to guide my rosary meditations, and found the practice to be so fruitful that I recommend it to all I meet. More than any other "method" of prayer, the Rosary is truly COMPLETE in itself. We will always be praying and doing and learning God's will when we pray the rosary, because we are literally step by step WITH Him.

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I love your blog and when I read it I miss the RCC tons. But every time I try and return, the same problems stop me. I guess this message is more questions than anything..like why do you take the Pope's word as final? Especially when it contradicts the bible. Like the 10 commandments for instance...they're different in the bible than what the church teaches. Sunday is the sabbath in the church whereas the Christians of Jesus' time kept the saturday sabbath and had an extra celebration on sunday. The church says saints get into heaven and become above us, yet the bible says everyone sins and the penalty for sin is death...we're all on the same playing field. Yeshua's blood will cleanse anyone who asks of it, therefore everyone can be a saint, as the bible says. and the first christians lived a jewish lifestyle because the OT is eternal. If it isn't then God is a liar...his holy heritage is a lie. Catholics say homosexuality and abortion is wrong, but they use proof from the OT. How can this be if they only accept certain parts of the OT laws? Paul is a hard read and that's why I believe it was Peter who says to read his words carefully. He never preaches against abandoning the law, but to do so with faith knowing you can no longer earn salvation. The law teaches sin, we can't just give that up because the Church says so.

thanks for your time, if you can respond!

I gather from this email that you are coming from a Messianic believer type of place, and that the "Jewishness" of the Scriptures are not lost on you--and for that, I am grateful, as the relevance of that Jewishness is lost on many people! You said in your later email that you had uncovered some of the answers to these questions but didn't clarify which ones, so in the interest of saving time I will respond not in a point-by-point but to a few of the ones that really stood out to me.

I covered the Pope's role and infallability as well as Catholic Doctrine in the first letter I answered, so I wont go there again.
The question of the Lord's Day Vs the Sabbath is a very important one to people like Seventh Day Adventists, so I would like to recommend this link, which does a fantastic job of laying out the "why" of Catholic Sunday observance. Remember, though, that many Catholics go to mass EVERY day, and are encouraged to make EVERY day holy. ;)

http://www.catholic.com/thisrock/2004/0403frs.asp

The question of 'who can be a Saint' is a good one--- because there is much confusion about this question. The answer, as you have said, is that ANYONE can be a saint: in fact, the Church teaches that it is the calling of EVERY person who responds to Christ to become a Saint. Those whom the Church has declared a saint are persons who lived such notably Holy lives as to have been distinguished among their peers, and who, from their place in heaven, have visibly affected those on the path to Holiness below. In other words, Saints are those of whom the Church can say definitively that they "have been saved." This doesn't mean that others have NOT, it simply means that we can determine that these have "stayed the course."

With regards to the Old Testament It is very, very important to understand that very few of those "jewish traditions" have been erradicated. Rather, they have simply been modified (over the years but in particular BY THE ORIGINAL CHRISTIANS who walked with Christ Himself) to reflect the reality not just of God the FATHER, but of God the Son and of God the Holy Spirit. The liturgy of the Roman Catholic Church reflects it's jewish counterpart in all it does, however it does not confine itself to what Jews have done and do today, but rather extends itself to glorify the Holy Trinity and to help us enter into the mystery of the reality of Christ's sacrifice, an element which is deeply missing from any Jewish liturgy or tradition. As you study the Catechism of the Church, you will find that the Church does not advocate abandoning the Law in any way, but rather that the Church believes Christ who came to FULFILL the Law (not discarding it) by teaching us the Spirit of the Law and the practical pursuit of the law, which is summed up in this: Love God. Love others.

Hopefully these answers have provided SOME clarification. For those who are serious about the subject of eceumenical dialogue, I strongly recommend the following three books:

The Catholic Survival Guide by Catholic Answers
Catholics and Christians
95 Bible verses that confound Protestants
(although this one is a bit harsh towards protestants and not for the sensitive soul, if you know what I mean. However, it raises some excellent questions over holes in protestant theology...and reminds us that if we really believed the Bible, then quite honestly, we'd all be Catholics. Which is what happened to me!)

May God, who IS Truth, direct our steps always that we might know Him more each day.

Mount Carmel

2009-07-16T07:58:00.000-07:00

Happy Feast day of our Lady of Mount Carmel!

For those of you who don't know what we are celebrating today, I give you a little background info, from American Catholic.Org's Saint of The Day feature. (http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/SaintofDay/default.asp?id=1446)

July 16, 2009
Our Lady of Mount Carmel

Hermits lived on Mount Carmel near the Fountain of Elijah (northern Israel) in the 12th century. They had a chapel dedicated to Our Lady. By the 13th century they became known as “Brothers of Our Lady of Mount Carmel.” They soon celebrated a special Mass and Office in honor of Mary. In 1726 it became a celebration of the universal Church under the title of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. For centuries the Carmelites have seen themselves as specially related to Mary. Their great saints and theologians have promoted devotion to her and often championed the mystery of her Immaculate Conception.

St. Teresa of Avila (October 15) called Carmel “the Order of the Virgin.” St. John of the Cross (December 14) credited Mary with saving him from drowning as a child, leading him to Carmel and helping him escape from prison. St. Theresa of the Child Jesus believed that Mary cured her from illness. On her First Communion, she dedicated her life to Mary. During the last days of her life she frequently spoke of Mary.

There is a tradition (which may not be historical) that Mary appeared to St. Simon Stock, a leader of the Carmelites, and gave him a scapular, telling him to promote devotion to it. The scapular is a modified version of Mary’s own garment. It symbolizes her special protection and calls the wearers to consecrate themselves to her in a special way. The scapular reminds us of the gospel call to prayer and penance—a call that Mary models in a splendid way.

Comment:

The Carmelites were known from early on as “Brothers of Our Lady of Mount Carmel.” The title suggests that they saw Mary not only as “mother,” but also as “sister.” The word “sister” is a reminder that Mary is very close to us. She is the daughter of God and therefore can help us be authentic daughters and sons of God. She also can help us grow in appreciation of being sisters and brothers to one another. She leads us to a new realization that all human beings belong to the family of God. When such a conviction grows, there is hope that the human race can find its way to peace.

Quote:

“The various forms of piety toward the Mother of God, which the Church has approved within the limits of sound and orthodox doctrine, according to the dispositions and understanding of the faithful, ensure that while the mother is honored, the Son through whom all things have their being (cf. Colossians 1:15–16) and in whom it has pleased the Father that all fullness should dwell (cf. Colossians 1:19) is rightly known, loved and glorified and his commandments are observed” (Dogmatic Constitution on the Church, 66).

For me, as a fledgling Carmelite, this is a special feast! It marks the first year of my venture into Carmel, and is a good reminder to be solidary with Carmelites all over the world alongside whom I am journeying towards holiness! I am so thankful for my vocation, and more for (and I might be wrong, but I think I can perceive it) the spiritual fruit that has been borne in my life since heeding the Carmelite call. In the company of such incredible saints as John of the Cross, Teresa of Avila, Mariam the Little Arab and Mary Magdalen D'Pazzi, and guided by the Mother of Christ herself, how can I not grow in my spiritual walk?

Just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the wonder and amazement I felt today when assisting at mass. The homily demonstrated how Mary, who accompanies us by her own sorrows through the sorrows of life as wait in "Joyful Hope" together for the coming of the Kingdom, teaches us to bring those burdens to the altar, and as we do, the Lord takes our offerings of pain and burden, and in exchange we are able to receive from Him perfect peace and all the graces He wishes to give us in the Eucharistic Feast which is prepared at that same altar. I knew this as a protestant, but it was only when returning to the Church and seeing this happen PHYSICALLY on the altar that I was able to grasp the spiritual reality of what was happening up there.

What a bargain! We give up death, sorrow, agony, and despair, and exchange it for Life, joy, grace, and encouragement for the journey. Mass, after mass, after mass. It's just amazing.

Our Lady of Mount Carmel, pray for us all.

To Care, or Not to Care?

2009-07-13T05:02:00.001-07:00

Been watching House, M.D. a lot lately on our date nights. I think we needed something more intellectually stimulating, and we have definitely been served. The show is truly thought provoking in so many ways, and though it periodically has elements that we whole-heartedly disagree with (Lesbian relationships, Atheism, and Drug use, to name a few) it is all done in a relatively tasteful and definitely purposeful way-- it's not explicit for the sake of being explicit but rather witty and intended to make the viewer pause to think.

It also helps that, yet again, my husband is a lot like the main character. Dr House, let's face it, is what society would call a "total jerk." He is callous, unfeeling, unrelenting, brilliant, and totally logical about EVERYTHING. Periodically, the viewer gets a glimpse into "how he got that way," and for the most part, we realize that he has his reasons and that we don't really want him to change... after all, it is his calm, logical nature that helps him to see things as they REALLY are, untainted by his emotional attachments, and thus to be the best Diagnostician in the land.

My husband is (hopefully) not as utterly unfeeling as House is, but he can certainly come off that way-- in fact, it was one of the biggest things we fought over when we were first married. I am a very emotional person, and have glorious ups and devastating downs. He, on the other hand, is mostly pretty steady with a few serious dips which make him appear slightly nasty sometimes. It can be very unnerving to try to "share your feelings" with a man who doesn't really care what those feelings are if they don't do much for the situation at hand. For example: "I'm so frustrated because we don't get time together. " His response: "Well, this week that's the way it has been. Next week I'll make sure to schedule more time with you." And famously, I hear: "Dry it up!"

What's interesting about both is that they certainly HAVE emotions-- they have good days, bad days, things that amuse them more than others, etc. But like Lucius Vorenus in HBO's ROME (another favorite of ours containing Peter's identical twin) we see that it is his willingness to lay aside emotions for philosophical thinking that helps him to continue to do the "right" thing... which, in House's case, means to do his job effectively and save lives.

In one of the episodes we saw last week, (Season 4, Episode 13: No more Mr. Nice Guy,) House encounters a man who is just waaaaay "too" nice.
This bugs House, who of course, goes over to the guy and very deliberately slams his cane down on the guys foot, hoping for a reaction. The guy's wife is furious, but the husband calms her by gently saying "Honey, I'm sure he didn't mean to do it."
The entire episode continues as we discover that the man has syphilis and that it has caused his brain to "change" and make him act a certain way. As the syphilis is treated, then, there is talk of him becoming less nice and more "ordinary." The big question is-- will he? House hopes so, because as House says: "The guy is either perfect or he is sick."

The man's response was, to me, amazing. "I'm sure he didn't mean to do it." How profound. There is a good lesson there-- we learn to assume the best in people, even when we know that they have purposely done the worse. And why? To benefit our own sense of solidarity with the life around us... to give us hope that the world is not as crummy as we know it is. This is Christian "positivity," -- an awareness that though life is Hell, God is good and loves us, ALL the time. Let me elaborate. The man KNEW-- he had seen with his eyes-- that House had purposely hurt him. And yet instead of reacting, he chose the right and said :"I'm sure he didn't mean to do it." This both shook up House, who HAD meant to do it, and reassured the man, who knew he had meant to do it, by placing him on the "upper level" of the playing field. The man had demonstrated that he was the bigger man in the situation, and it unnerved House.

In this particular case, the dynamic between the man and House was fascinating to watch because they represented two sides of this coin: Nice, positive, always loving vs. Cold, callous, and totally disinterested, thus logical, level-headed, and wise. I loved watching the battle because we are called to be both, in a sense.

Nowadays, we are fed this notion that our emotions should feed us and should be our driving force. We are promised that we "deserve happiness" and sold this idea to be "true to ourselves" and follow our dreams.
We see brides and pregnant mommies cajoled and catered to in a manner that conveys that everything is about them. We read in magazines that we should "Express ourselves" and "find ourselves" and "pursue happiness at all costs," "doing what's right for us."

But the man in the episode didn't FEEL happy all the time. I'm sure when House hammered on his foot with his cane he felt sad, hurt, rejected, bewildered, and confused! But he CHOSE to BE happy despite all these things, and that is the key, I think, to this life.

It seems to me that a lot of this stuff stems from the sixties and the rise of feminism. We all can agree that at a basic level, women tend to be more intuitive and emotional and men tend to be more logical and level-headed. We have the hormones to assist us in allowing our emotions to takeover, and they are exacerbated by things like stress, which pumps us full of even more hormones and takes us over the edge. I see in my children, one boy and one girl so far, that my daughter is the one who is all drama and emotional extravagance-- she is either a perfect joy to be around or a moaning, miserable terror. My son, however, spends most of his time doing exactly what he wants-- if he wants a cuddle, he comes to get one and doesn't make me guess. If he wants to be left alone to take apart the bathtub faucet, he gets to work and doesn't ask my opinion.
With the rise of feminism, we have become forced to live in a world where women take jobs that require the emotional "coolness" of men and which, quite frankly, do not suit women for reasons of physical strength and emotional strength (soldiers, firefighters, cops, etc)
Likewise, we have become forced to live in a world that has utterly emasculated men-- asking them to "get in touch" with their emotions and essentially become women. Nowadays we are hard pressed to find a level-headed man who is NOT overcome by his emotions, the last four decades of child rearing have ensured that all our men would know how to both provide financially for their families AND take care of the homes AND parent their children AND maintain a good mood while doing it all while their wives visit spas and take "babymoons" and shopping breaks.
Even in families when this isn't the norm, families who have thankfully attempted to allow their men to be men, I find frequently that the boys and husband are still encouraged constantly-- usually despite themselves-- to "talk" about their feelings, to examine their feelings, and to share them with others. The women (and I've been guilty of this over and over myself!) get together with other women to do the same with each other when their husbands are NOT willing or able to participate.

Entire religious systems (like followers of the New Age philosophy "The Secret," law of attraction, and Scientology) are built around the idea of "personal happiness." Their adherents are encouraged to find happiness by dwelling on their
positive thoughts" ie, the things that make them happy, and acting on those things mentally, emotionally, and physically to bring about more happiness.

But I digress.

The thing is, our emotions have taken front and center in today's world, and that is not a biblical sign of a healthy human being. God, who made tripartite man (Body, Spirit, Soul) and tells us in His Word over and over again how he should order his passions, has laid out a very clear blueprint.

We are: BODY (flesh) SPIRIT (spirit) and SOUL (Mind, will, emotions)
The Spirit, which is breathed to life by our uniting with Christ, should lead, followed by our rightly ordered soul: WILL FIRST, then MIND, and THEN EMOTIONS, followed by our Body, or flesh.
We order our soul thus because it is an act of our WILL to follow the Spirit, and we must use our MIND to control our emotions. If we reverse this order, as the natural world seems to think that we ought, and put our emotions on higher ground than our minds or even our wills, then we find ourselves faltering because our emotions are misleading-- they are neither demonstrative of the "TRUE" story nor helpful in determining a course of action. They simply are.

In the Catechism of the Church, the Church makes a point to remind us that once we are Christians there is virtually NO distinction between spirit and soul-- that is, we are so overcome by the Spirit that it controls our Mind, Will, and Emotions. How wise!

For instance.... I have, in the past, been hurt by a person's distance towards me and acted on that hurt, only to discover later that the person was utterly occupied with something deeply serious that shamed me when I realized that my need to be loved took precedence over their rightful need to be loved at that time. A rightly ordered person would have, instead, followed the Holy Spirit's leading to continue to love that person despite apparent rejection, using their will to submit to the Spirit and be compassionate, using their mind to examine possible reasons for said rejection, and finally, acknowledging that though "hurt feelings" were there, they were not useful for the fulfillment of the task at hand and needed to be put aside. As the situation righted itself, of course, those 'hurt feelings' became FEELINGS of love.

I believe that if people could stop putting so much stock in their HEARTS (Which scripture tells us over and over are deceitful and full of poison) and rather put their stock in the TRUTH (which is, whatever is logical and correct, alongside whatever is what God has said) then we will find ourselves, like House, perfectly detached from all tainting of our actions by our unruly emotions, and instead find ourselves succeeding at living in true joy-- which is a choice to live by every Word that comes from the mouth of God.

In House's case, his emotional detachment allows him to continue to serve people by healing them and remaining uninvolved. And as he does, he is, himself, provided with those emotional "needs" he has-- to love and be loved, etc. His team would do anything for him, and though he would be hard pressed to admit it, he would do anything for his team. There is a solidarity there that defies all ordinary bonds of "caring"-- and it is a gift given to a man who has transcended his emotions.

We trust God, and we believe His Word. What more do we need?

Thus, when we have run out of food, we can boil a pot of water and wait for the neighbor to bring by the rice instead of anxiously laying awake at night?
When we have run out of love, we can continue to serve and wait for the neighbor to show us some love instead of pacing and wondering.

Love is a choice. Being offended is a choice. Emotions are actions.

TLM

2009-07-04T09:02:00.001-07:00

I had the opportunity on Friday to go to my first Latin Mass since returning to the Roman Catholic Church over a year ago.
There is a little country church in our area which offers a daily Tridentine Mass, and it's only 20 minutes from where we live. With all of my own enthusiasm for the TLM, you would have thought that I would have been there sooner, but I hadn't, for a number of reasons... the main one being that I don't drive, have two young children who cause me a great deal of stress in quiet, reverent masses, and have a husband who is not particularly drawn to the latin mass.

Let me also say that I find myself, socially, in a bit of an odd spot among Catholics. Having been a "Spirit filled" nondenominational Christian for so long, I consider myself a Charismatic-- I sometimes pray in tongues, I pray mostly spontaneously, and I have seen and been a part of the operation of the "charismatic" gifts. I find it greatly encouraging that there are Charismatics in the Roman Catholic Church who "get" that God wants us in an intimate relationship with him and who is, by nature, both healer, deliverer, and savior.
At the same time, I find myself often identifying with the "Traddie" sector of modern American Catholicism: I prefer the Tridentine Mass, I get aggravated as can be at the liturgical monstrosities that pass at VII masses in most American parishes, I cover my head and think you should, too, and I believe churches are for prayer, liturgy, adoration and silence, not for "catching up."
Since both groups tend to dislike each other, I find it hard to make friends with people from either group.
Instead, my friendships tend to center around people who are conservative, but don't love the latin mass, and who are demonstrably imbued with the Holy Spirit but who might shift uncomfortably if I laid hands on them in a restaurant. :P

So it was with one such Conservative-yet-in-no-way-Traddie friend that I headed to this TLM and I'm so glad I went with her! God could not have given me a better "first time in a long time" partner to take on this particular adventure.

I was breathless from the minute we walked in the door. On the outside, the Church is as plain as can be... just a little country building.
But the TANGIBLE presence of our Lord was overpowering from the minute I stepped through the doors. In fact, I was struck by the fact that while, at my home parish, I am often spiritually affected by the turmoil of battle in the building-- and very aware, sometimes of the presence of something distinctly not-from-God (many of my co-parishioners know exactly what I mean) in THIS building, though, it was literally like breathing in the incense of Heaven. One immediately felt... I don't know. Surrounded by something Holy. So much so that I was immediately reminded of my discalced status and the resounding words of God to Moses-- "remove your shoes, for you are on Holy Ground."

Near the holy water font in the front there was a large basket full of chapel veils for those women who came unprepared. (I probably don't have to tell you how my heart skipped with glee when I saw this pile of headcoverings....it was like.... home!)

I looked nervously around at the people in the pews, wondering if they would think my skirt was too short (it was just below the knee) or that I somehow stuck out, like I wasn't "uber traddie" enough to be there. Fortunately, everyone gave me a warm smile and when we did have a question, everyone was accomodating.

It was mostly women, some children, and a couple of men.
I recognized a few faces from back home, which was nice. The children blew me away-- they all sat in a row, little girls two and up had their heads covered, perfectly still and silent and just.... good. Even the 18 month olds. How these wondermoms get them to do that is beyond me. I'm looking forward to observing more. I know this is how we were growing up in Church, but I have no idea how we were taught to do that. We just were.

We sat down in separate pews (one of the best things about this friend is that she can appreciate the need for solitude in Church) and I began to take in the environment.

Altar (WITH STEPS!! GLORY!) tabernacle, angels with lit candles all around it.
In the back beside the altar, a HUGE statue of St Therese de Lisieux, who seemed to be looking straight into my eyes. I was so comforted by her Carmelite presence in this experience.
There was also an enormous statue of St Michael the Archangel and one of King Louis. The entire set-up was very French... I found out later that this particular priest loves all things French and has done up his rectory in a similar manner, with Fleur de Lys everywhere, etc.

The altar server came up and started setting up for mass, and I reflected for a while on the difference between this altar server (who was not very old at all) and the ones I've been seeing all the time at my home parish-- this one wore a cassock and the crisp black and white comforted me with all of it's familiarity... as opposed to the albs the ones at my church wear. Although young, he was extraordinarily reverent--- gently and carefully placing each item in it's correct position, hands clasped together in prayer position when he wasn't using them, and fully genuflecting towards the tabernacle. I was so moved to see this little kid who was so beautifully trained, and it continued as I watched him, during mass, recite endless prayers and responses IN LATIN, from memory. All kids are capable of this. Thank God some of them are learning how to do it.
He wasn't even THAT spectacular, in the sense that he was a totally average boy his age...
I also noticed, of course, that he was a boy, and I was so happy about that. Altar servers do have a tendency to draw closer to the priests than any other ministry, and it is a God-given gift to them for their vocations discernment. We need more priests, but how will we get them if there are only altar girls and we don't really train our altar boys? St Paul is clear about women approaching the altar, and yet somehow in the Novus Ordo all I ever see around the altar are women-- it was refreshing to have men (and boys, training to be men) leading the Church.
A few weeks ago at Carmelites I had experienced a similar thing with altar servers at the mass we went to: they were so tight, so efficient, so organized and in unison that it truly became like a dance, to me....they worked in pairs and brought this exquisite, divine beauty to the Mass by their very presence... and yet believe me, these were your average modern boys.... weird emo haircuts and all. :)
It was in such stark contrast to the experience I had today at mass, where the alb-clad altar servers were literally talking to each other during the mass, making signs at their parents in the pews, and forgetting at which point to bring up which book, causing the Priest to have to go and get it himself.

Mass began, and I settled into the rhythmic routine of listening to the Latin and joining my prayers to the priests. I IMMEDIATELY realized why so many of my very "Conservative Catholic" friends dislike the Latin Mass. It truly is as if the priest does all the acting and we just get to witness it. Most of the responses are said by the Altar server who is representing the people, and when we DO respond, it is in a quiet murmur, not in a bellowing "Amen!" voice.

I looked around to observe the others. I had brought my 1962 missal, in which I have been faithfully reading the days' traditional Mass Readings since returning to the Church. I don't like the new calendar because it removed so many saints that I truly loved. It also prevents me from being "liturgically" on the same page as my favorite spirtual direction authors (like Fr Gabriel's "Divine Intimacy," which is based around the traditional liturgical calendar.) I used to bring that missal with me to the Novus Ordo at my home Parish. I had highlighted the responses and parts for the N.O and was always annoyed at having to turn like, ten pages to find each response. Now i have two missals, one I bring for the NO and the other I use at home for mass and brought with me to the TLM.
It was such a blessing to be able to experience the RICHNESS of the liturgy, the fullness of it, and not to miss out on anything or "shorten" anything. Nearly everyone there had a missal out too and was following along. This resolves completely the problem of "not understanding" what's going on... we see the Latin on the left and the English on the right, and thus we know exactly what is being said. A few people had out rosaries, and prayed the rosary through the mass. I was grateful to be able to participate fully IN the mass by reading the scriptures and prayers that were read, and meditating on them myself.

In fact, one of the reasons I was so totally thrilled was because St Therese's presence reminded me of the contemplative aspect of participation in the TLM. I would go as far as to say that a person who does not know how to meditate or practice mental prayer would get very little out of the liturgy itself. I find it totally jarring to be jolted out of a meditation by a response, song I must sing, or some such aspect when I am totally "moved" spiritually during the Novus Ordo. It's one of the reasons I flat out refuse to sing before, during, or after communion. For me, there is no possible reason to do so, because what is happening internally is FAR more relevant than any "expression of unity" I can be forced to make with the people to the right or to the left of me, who are supposed to be also internalizing the effects of participation. In other words, I think the TLM is, above all, for contemplative souls. And contemplative souls get there by practice, not by any other means. Thus, I can see how as someone who meditates regularly, the TLM might be a glorious occasion for me to do just that-- to completely internalize the sacrifice of the Cross and all that it means for us without being consistently "reminded" to participate. For people who do NOT easily fall into mental prayer, I can see how the TLM might be excruciatingly painful-- borderline boring. I can see how the people require the timed responses of the Novus Ordo to keep them centered on what is going on at the time. Either way, I was totally edified by this realization--- and so thankful for the TLM and that I was able to attend after all this time of yearning!

I find Latin to be absolutely exhilerating. In deliverance ministry, and in developping this particular calling from a Catholic perspective this year, I have discovered that demons have an extreme distaste for Latin liturgy and also Gregorian Chant, two elements of the Tridentine Mass which, for the most part, are lacking in most Novus Ordo parishes across America. Because of this knowledge, and because of my heart's desire to find co-warriors in the Spiritual battle, you can imagine my joy at being present at a Latin Mass. Most of the responses and postures (although not all!) fell back into place easily, from some deep place in my brain where I had stored them all away. It was a very strange feeling-- on the one hand, I had no confidence in my "knowledge" of what-to-do-next, and on the other, I was totally amazed by the natural way into which I fell into the rhythmic prayer.

The two other things that really stood out from the experience were the incredible efforts of the Priest on behalf of the people, and the solemnity of the occasion. This particular priest suffered from obvious physical pain, and yet here he was, daily choosing to say a mass which required MUCH more of him than simply standing or sitting.

There is a moment, right after the consecration, when the priest elevates the host high above his head and the people are to pray: "My Lord and My God!" Meanwhile, the altar server, with his left hand, lifts the priest's chasuble and with his right hand, rings the bell with great fervor to let us know: This is God come down-- Immanuel. In that moment, my breath was literally taken away. In the last year in which I would have done ANYTHING to come face to face with the Eucharist once I began to truly understand John 6, never had my desire to worship the Host been satiated like it was when it was treated with such perfectly sublime solemnity.

When it came time for us to receive communion, we filed down the line to the altar rail, which remained in place to remind us that the Altar was not something we could just "hang out around," and in this way, we were given, by a priest only, the literal Body and Blood, soul and divinity, of Christ our Lord.
In contrast, today in our home parish, I put my finger on what seems wrong. You see, we are not able to truly participate in the "Agnus Dei" because of the roar of voices still hauling down the aisles to shake hands with every person within ten pews. During this insanity, about 15 or so people from all sides of the Church head up to the Altar and stand around it. It's a veritable wave of people, coming from everywhere, and if you sit in the front can be totally overwhelming. As if this isn't irritating enough, these people then proceed to shake hands with and hug each other, all the way down the line, even though we are supposed to be finishing up the Agnus Dei!This bothers me a great deal-- first, because "EXTRAORDINARY" ministers are those persons who "might" be needed in "extraordinary" circumstances. (Hey, i once got told we couldn't have the latin mass in our parish because it's the "EXTRAORDINARY FORM" of the mass-- so why doesn't the same rule apply for "EXTRAORDINARY" ministers?)
They are not, nor are they intended to be, a staple of the communion table. When consecration occurs, it is THE LORD on that table. All our attention should be focused on Him! And yet He is totally swarmed and minimized by a mass of people who can't even be bothered to kneel around Him. (OK, to be fair, they are told NOT to kneel by our liturgist. True story! Yeah.)

Secondly, it bugs me because I want to receive communion from a priest, and not from a lay person. It irks me to no end when I must receive from an extraordinary minister rather than a priest. Why? Because they aren't priests. My priest brings me the Eucharist. The Eucharist is all the "community" I need.

Seeing that today after the glorious ORDER and reverence and respect which our Lord was shown in the TLM, I just can't comprehend what people are thinking.
Now, the Novus Ordo that I attended in Raleigh recently which was almost all in Latin DID have a profound and lasting effect on me in all these same departments, so before you start worrying that I'm going to enlist with the Pius X people, understand that it's not so much WHICH rite as the rememberance of the Sacred Nature of what we are assisting at and participating in that matters to me and can make or break my Mass experience.

Lastly, I was overjoyed to find ALL the faithful, after mass was over, taking the time to get BACK on their knees and pray the Leo XIII prayers which are sooo important for the wellbeing of the Church in the spiritual combat-- and also to find that no spontaneous bursting into conversation ensued-- people waited until they were OUTSIDE to start babbling to each other about daily life, which is something I think we must do by example if we want to see any changes in that whatsoever in my home parish.

I made it to the parking lot and then absolutely fell apart into a blubbering, grateful, happy mess. During the mass, I distinctly felt a hand on my head at one point, and got the impression that I was being healed. Initially, I thought that it was going to be a physical healing (I've always got this infection going with the pregnancy that I can't seem to get rid of) but I later realized in prayer that it was a Spiritual healing, and that the graces which I received would renew me forever.

My challenge, now, is to find a way to express, in my own Parish which drives me to the extreme opposite emotional place and leaves me, most days, with steam coming out my ears) the Charity and Hope and Faith that God has given us all in the assurance that the gates of hell may not prevail against the Church.

This is not a new battle: Satan has always wanted to desecrate and destroy the sacredness of the mass.
St Athanasius wrote this in the 4th century, but he could have written it today:

"You are the ones who are happy; you who remain within the Church by your Faith, who hold firmly to the foundations of the Faith which has come down to you from Apostolic Tradition. And if an execrable jealousy has tried to shake it on a number of occasions, it has not succeeded. They are the ones who have broken away from it in the present crisis. No one, ever, will prevail against your Faith, beloved Brothers. And we believe that God will give us our churches back some day.

"Thus, the more violently they try to occupy the places of worship, the more they separate themselves from the Church. They claim that they represent the Church; but in reality, they are the ones who are expelling themselves from it and going astray. Even if Catholics faithful to Tradition are reduced to a handful, they are the ones who are the true Church of Jesus Christ."

Thank You, Lord, for giving me a glimpse into a place where you are TRULY worshipped in Spirit and Truth--- enlighten us all so that we may worship you better and more.

Looking back.

2009-06-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

I had a friend ask me in an email tonight why I don't go to Manna Church anymore.

I know that a year and a half ago, when we left Manna, Peter and I would have answered that question very differently, and I know that I get asked that question often, so I thought that instead of responding in an email I would blog about it. It is often said that time heals wounds, and that, in this case, has certainly been true. I hope that in this blog you will find a "balanced" perspective and a testimony of why I stopped being a "nondenominational" Christian and came back, once again, to my Catholic faith.

I became a "Christian" in 1998, on Christmas Eve, at a Calvary Chapel in Santa Barbara. 18 years previous I had become a Catholic--- baptized as an infant into the faith. I had processed through the normal "rites of initiation" of Catholic life: baptism, first reconciliation, first communion, confirmation. I had received "instruction" on living a Catholic life... I knew who Jesus was and what He did, I prayed, I went to church. But as the years passed I walked away from the relationship God was calling me to and became indifferent to God-- and worse. The well-meaning franciscans at our Parish had a tendency to "live and let live" which didn't help matters much when I started to ask the really hard questions.

By the time that Christmas eve rolled around, I was desperate for a sign that there was "more to life than this." Many years filled with drugs and parties and dabbling in other religions had left me unsatisfied and unfulfilled, and I was practically begging for something more substantial that showed me that God was REAL and cared about me. That Christmas eve, I got that, and was brought to my knees by a very REAL encounter with the Risen Christ, Immanuel, who came to be WITH me and who loved me so much He had died FOR me.

Life changed after that. It wasn't long before all night prayer vigils and Friday night bible studies were my activity of choice over a night plastered at the bar and dancing in the cage. It took me four years or so of actively trying to walk with Christ to even put a dent in the hazardous, hedonistic, self-centered and humanistic lifestyle that I had formed as my own, and many of you probably remember either being puzzled or slightly amused watching me try to order my absolutely crazy life around Christ.

From the beginning it was clear to me that there were forces of absolute evil and absolute good at work. No sooner had I accepted Christ and begun my conversion than I was met with extreme opposition from all sides... from strange encounters with people who would literally voice Satanic thoughts like "you CANT be a Christian, it's too hard," or "you can't worship Jesus, you should worship ME," to opposition from my family and closest friends, who thought I was just "going through something."

I needed to make a clean break and wasn't able to make that break until I left for the army several years later. Santa Barbara, as big as it is, was a small town for me. I knew everyone and everyone knew me (or knew of me) and this made a "lifestyle change" virtually impossible for someone as vain as me-- after all, most non-Christians think this "Christian" stuff is not only weird but excessive, and are quick to point out that they know the "real you," not willing to acknowledge that the "new person in Christ"-- the new you-- is "authentic." So becoming AUTHENTIC in our Converted Selves becomes a huge challenge.

My time in the army taught me to really minister to other people and to put myself last. There was so much going on in there and so much suffering that needed to be addressed, and I encountered a mix of people from all walks of life who had a need to FEEL and experience God's love, and in some miraculous way God graced me to do just that. Whereas before, I had problems praying "out loud" or in front of other people, miraculously, people used to line up at my bunk so that I could pray with them and the "fear" totally vanished. I used to do bible studies with some of the girls who were having a hard time in the bathrooms after dark. I found ALL my solace in the pages of my well-worn bible. Suddenly, and for the first REAL time, God used me in a powerful way and I was floored. My relationship with him was sealed and strengthened so mightily that I was completely certain that THIS, then, was the reality of a Spirit-filled life...that God directed ALL our steps.
At the same time, my time in the army was the first time I experienced and saw powerful diabolical torment in action. I was unprepared for some of the stuff I saw but it only served to strengthen my faith and conviction that not only I needed "saving," but the whole world-- which was currently under the influence of the Evil One.

I got married, moved to the South, where Christianity isn't rare and strangely "hip" but rather the Norm with a captial N. During my years as a Christian, I had really hardened up my heart against Catholicism, having been taught by Bible Teacher after Bible Teacher that it was a "dead religion," which used the "traditions of man"-- not only unbiblical but utterly evil in so many ways.

Many (most!) of my pastors and friends from Calvary Chapel, Reality, Vineyard, and The IV Church were ex-Catholics and believed these things explicitly. Those who didn't thought of Catholicism as "denominationalism"-- in other words, Catholics were Christians, but they were just another denomination, or branch, and had quite a few things they needed to lose to make them simply what they were called to be: Christians.

I attended a couple masses during my years as a protestant, mostly to please my family. And while I was drawn to the liturgy, it was a guilty pleasure. I refrained from Communion WITHOUT BEING TOLD BY ANYONE THAT I SHOULD because I felt that I needed to remove myself from the Eucharist--- that somehow, it was "different" than the relational God I was trying to serve, and that I couldn't participate in good conscience.
I applauded the scriptural "truths" I heard in the mass (now that I was well versed in the Bible) but cringed at things like: "With Mary, the Mother of God," or mentions of the Saints, which I perceived to be extremely unbiblical.

Wayne and I started out our marriage by attending the last church he has been to regularly, Northwood Temple, a Pentacostal Church. I didn't like it much, mostly because it seemed so hokey and just--- southern--- to me. I was used to sanctuaries filled with young hipsters high on Jesus worshipping God with all their might and plotting to save the World, and instead we had lots of young, beaver cleaver families, old ladies with silver hair and "Church suits," and sermons on the glory of soldiering. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't my thing. I had prayed for days on end about where we should go to Church and was convinced that God was calling us to Manna, a church all the way across town, but my husband was of a different opinion.

Finally, a year later, I was able to convince him to check out a Sunday Manna service and was relieved, the moment we walked through the doors, to find myself "home." THIS was my kind of church. Thankfully, God was working that day and he helped Peter to feel it too--ten minutes into it, he whispered to me: "THIS is where we are going to go from now on." I beamed. God was "back in my life" in a big way, and I no longer had to feel so alone in my faith. Manna delivered at just the right time. I was able to make some INCREDIBLE friends, hear some really great practical bible teaching, and really HEAR from God, who stretched us both continuously from day one.
God used our spiritual gifts to serve in little ways at Manna: we led cell groups and got formal training for deliverance ministry, which we definitely knew God was calling us to. More importantly, we began to REALLY study theology, and really strengthen our knowledge of apologetics. We wanted (still want!! ) to become Missionaries, and we pursued this goal relentlessly.

It wasn't long before we felt frustrated. As we studied theology, we became frustrated with some of the theological stances taken by our pastors. Manna's senior Pastor, an incredible man with a DEEP heart for God, believes in some things which we find abhorrent as far as doctrine goes. (Calvinism being the big one for us)Though most of the pastors have somewhat differing viewpoints as far as doctrinal principles go, they also mostly recieved their formal training from the Manna Machine, internally, and thus were raised up as leaders and now served alongside the people they had "learned to Pastor" from, which made things, in our opinion, more than a little dishonest.

We were also often frustrated by the lack of common sense and "seriousness" when it came to living out the Word of God. Peter attended a hard-to-get-into course for men to teach them to minister, but frequently found himself surrounded by people discussing sports scores and not getting ready to change the world. We disagreed with some of the financial decisions, and in the long run, we disagreed heavily with the entire process of selection of leaders for the church, the idea of church planting JUST to create mini-Mannas, and the whole concept of building a church focused on GROWTH.
Years before, we had denied an opportunity for missions training at Northwood because they had told us they were going to "make pentacostals" and expected us to do the same. We weren't interested-- we wanted to bring Christ to people. We had hoped to be able to do that at Manna, but in the end, found ourselves faced with the same problem. The last straw came when we saw the financial report for the Global Impact Celebration. We realized that the majority of the insanely huge funds allocated to China were not going to, for example, bring much-needed Bibles in China, but to build a seminary where Chinese "leaders" would learn how to pastor, Manna-Style.

Meanwhile, we were also frustrated because we heard all these incredible, inspiring sermons encouraging us to GO out into the world and bring Jesus to people. We didn't need the encouragement, that was all we wanted to do and were willing to give everything up to do so. Many of these adventures were dangerous, and the Pastor often called the congregation out on their unwillingness to live dangerously for Christ. He would tell us about these adventures, and then say: "But no one will go."
And we'd be sitting there with our hands held high-- "here we are, Lord, send us!!!" But at every turn we were told that unless we could financially make it happen, we could do nothing. This was hard for us to swallow since we are A) poor and B) attending a Church that has every luxury in the world FOR ITS WORSHIPPERS.

This disillusionment was great, but we persisted because we know the good points that Manna has-- people really LOVE God there, and we are so blessed to have met all the people we did who we consider family... people who literally live every moment for Christ. Meanwhile, a Church we briefly were called to went through a big change and began to theologically break away from what we considered the "Christian norm," into what I can only describe as Relational Christianity. It was a strange transition and we were so frustrated-- we felt that though the BIBLE was clear about doctrine, we had yet to find a church that taught pure doctrine. Every time we came close, we found that the Church had some freaky-deaky thing going on, like KJV-onlyism, or some other legalistic wierdness. We just couldn't deal with it.

At around that time, we helped a woman who was leaving the Catholic Church, where she felt abandoned, and who was beginning to attend a Church I had begun at. While I watched what she went through and felt thankful, part of me was perplexed. It had been years since I had given the Catholic thing any thought, and I was genuinely floored when I felt that I was compelled to begin to understand things like the very biblical need for Liturgy, or for ACTUAL biblical authority, or for understanding that APOSTLESHIP, biblically, was waaaaay more than just a "spiritual gifting."
The Senior Pastor at Manna calls himself an apostle, and teaches, around the world, on the subject of Church building and Apostleship. I love him dearly and think he is a genuine, good-hearted, loving man. I could not, however, condone his bible teaching on things like authority. It felt like trying to wrap our heads around nondenominational theology, no matter where we turned to get it, made us want to throw up our hands and say "Does ANYONE do this "Christian" thing RIGHT???"

At the same time, we heard about Medjugorje,a small village in former Bosnia Herzegovina where Mary, the Mother of God, is appearing and giving messages... and we began reading and watching everything we could get our hands on about it, at first thinking- woah. Demonic! I knew that C Peter Wagner was Micheal Fletcher's mentor, and how he felt about the Queen of Heaven and was TOTALLY inclined to agree. I was a part of a prayer group that ACTIVELY prayed against Marian apparitions. But when it came to Medjugorje, the discernment tests we use couldn't be used-- every one of her messages were scriptural!! They said, for 25 years, continually: to repent, to turn to Jesus Christ who is savior of the World, and to pray for the world. We were perplexed. The messages which seemed "iffy" were only iffy because we didn't believe in the Catholic Church, but at Medjugorje , Mary was speaking to Catholics and saying things like "Go to confession," or "receive the Eucharist." These were obviously Catholic-specific, but in and of themselves didn't seem "un"biblical, just "extra-"biblical. Nothing in her messages contradicted the Gospel. I wrote to the Pastor at Manna and asked him for his thoughts. He responded with one sentence: "I believe Medjugorje is demonic."
If it is demonic, I said, God sure is using "what was meant for evil for good..." there is SO much spiritual fruit there.

It was the beginning of lent. Not having observed lent for more than 11 years, I thought I could, biblically, make a case for doing so. So I did it. For 40 days I fasted from reading ANYTHING except the Bible and the Catechism of the Catholic Church, hoping to gain some clarity and figure out why I felt so DRAWN to my Catholic roots lately and whether or not I could settle, once and for all, the "are Catholics actually Christians?" question in my head.

I was amazed. Literally EVERYTHING I had come to believe just from reading the Bible as "true doctrine," was in there-- and was written and thought out in such a way as to amaze both myself and Peter with it's clarity. All of a sudden this veil seemed to lift and I found that not only was I TOTALLY immersed in "good" theology when I was reading the Catechism, all of those things which, as a protestant, has made NO sense to us were resolved with very wise answers.

For example, take the "Evolution vs Creationism" thing. In the Christian world, it's a MUST that Creationism is real. Evolution, then, would be heretical, since God made the world. As intelligent people, though, Peter and I could not wrap our heads around the idea of Creationism being "perfectly accurate science." There were loopholes. And we didn't feel that our faith was, in any way, threatened by the idea that Evolution MIGHT be real.

The Catholic response, however, is so much healthier: it says that if Evolution exists, then God made it. Which totally doesn't deny that he Created ALL things, that the Biblical accounts are true, etc. It didn't have to be either/ or. It was "both." Same for predestination: It wasn't that either God predestines everything (Calvinism) including who goes to hell, or that he predestines nothing. IT was BOTH.

It was like we were slapping our foreheads going "DUH, where has this been all our lives??"

Having been raised around intellectuals and having spent literally 12 years making myself STUPID so that God could use me better, or trying to "unlearn" everything I'd ever learned except the Bible (archeology, philosophy, history, science, etc) it was so refreshing to be able to accept that we COULD use our brains and there was no shame in that-- that in fact, we were glorifying God by studying and learning, and uncovering, not making ourselves "wordly."

All of the things which I had attributed to Catholicism as "unbiblical" (the priesthood, the communion of Saints, the pope, Mary , purgatory, etc) I realized were utterly biblical, it's just that I had been conditioned by YEARS of anti-Catholic teaching to BELIEVE that the Catholic Church taught something which, in fact, it did not. The Catholic Church has a biblical reason for EVERYTHING it teaches, because, of course, it made the Bible!

Most of all, we understood that if the Bible was true, then John 6 was definitely true, and that we needed and wanted the Eucharist. Because of BIBLICAL apostolic authority, we could receive that Eucharist no place other than our local Catholic Church. When I figured out that I NEEDED the Eucharist, I would have RUN to my nearest Catholic Church to get it. I left Manna that day, and my husband "officially" became a Catholic a year later.

Over time, I grew totally disgusted with all of the pushing and shoving I had been given to keep me from Catholicism. I felt that I had been cheated out of 12 years of true doctrine by totally well-meaning, but TOTALLY wrong "experts" in fields they didn't really understand. I felt that everyone around me, as a protestant, was constantly floundering and reaching for something "unattainable," which kept us absolutely STARVING for more and as a result, instead of unifying us, isolated us and kept us constantly at each other's throats over doctrinal purity. Whenever there is a doctrinal disagreement, the Church continues to split, and more churches are made. And that's how Satan works: Divide and Conquer.

Now that I am a Catholic again, I enjoy doctrinal perfection, PLUS perfect unity in the faith with the worldwide Church AND with my separated protestant brothers and sisters. I had the gospel before, but I didn't have the Church, and that left me with only HALF the goodness and Grace God had for me. Now that I have BOTH, I am filled to flowing over, and in the past year and a half since returning to the Church there has not been a single day that I don't (and my husband doesn't) wake up and say: "I am SO glad I am a Catholic!!!! Thank you, Jesus!"

Catholics who actually observe the Catholic Faith are never floundering. They are super-grounded, and growing in love at every turn, which is amazing. These are the fruits of the Spirit I want to surround myself with forever, and the fruits which, I hope, in time, will race me to that moment when I will hear "well done, my Good and Faithful servant."

There is a LOT of dialogue that needs to go on, in my opinion, between Protestants and Catholics, and it is so difficult because in so many ways,we speak different languages. God has given Wayne and I the ability to speak BOTH languages, and as a result we hope to bring vital energy to the Catholic Faithful we encounter from our enthusiasm at simply BEING Catholic, to reparation and unity with our protestant brothers and sisters who are estranged from the Church because of faulty or misleading information about the Church.

A year ago, I was angry at having been deceived. Today, I am thankful, and can see God's hand in everything I've experienced and how He uses it all the time. I ask that God continue to allow me to be a Catholic and receive the Sacraments for the rest of my life until the day of my death, but that he always use me as an instrument of reconciliation to help protestants understand what, exactly, the Catholic Church is all about.

Every single time I receive the Eucharist, I am brought to tears thinking about the perfection of the system God has created and how much He loves us all. I wish that I could share that love with every single person on earth, and I know that if they ALL tasted the sweetness of true Communion with Him, they would never be the same again.

The problem of evil.

2009-06-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

"Be mindful of those who devote themselves to the service of their brothers. Do not let them be deterred from their goals by discouraging results or lack of support..."

This was from tonight's Evening Prayer in the Liturgy of the Hours, and it struck such a chord with me. I am both feeling discouraged and simultaneously on fire in my ministry and vocation tonight, and I thought taking a moment to sort out those feelings would help me to express what problem it is I am facing.

There is a particular case which has been on my mind, and it is honestly one of the most grueling I've worked on. Where most people come to us when they find themselves either in mild stages of torment or with the infestation of a building, object or place, this particular person is experiencing daily a type of torment which, quite honestly, seeks to utterly destroy not just her peace but her body and soul in the most vile and hateful way I have personally witnessed.
Ironically, she is the one person I have not been able to help thusfar, and this puts me in a state of distress.

Without divulging any details, I'd like to talk tonight about a problem which I (and my husband) have seen plain as day from the very beginning of our Christian walk, but which, to others, seem novel, or even outdated or hokey. You see, we believe that ALL OF LIFE comes down to the battle between good and evil. We do not think that "some people" experience torment and others are left alone, we see the influence of evil everywhere and in most situations, making the Devil, as scripture says, truly the "God of this world."

I have blogged about this for years, so it will be no surprise to you, for instance, that I firmly believe that Oprah Winfrey, the Abortion crisis, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Public Schools, and most public radio and television, to name a few, are strongly influenced by Satan and his demonic spirits. I say this not in a freaky-deaky, Westboro Baptist Church kind of a way but in a very basic, simple, unapologetic manner. I see evil. And I'm not afraid to call it like it is.

I've been accused in the past of being "a regressive thinker" for believing and seeing these types of things so many places, but I tell you that if you walked in my shoes for a day and experienced, on a daily basis, the weirdness and unnatural reality that is my life, you would get it immediately. Fortunately (and unfortunately, in my opinion) God has not chosen to reveal these things as "obvious" to everyone.

My husband and I have both seen great miracles at the hand of God, things which Science absolutely cannot explain. Likewise, we have seen great tragedies at the hands of Satan, things which, quite obviously, science could not explain. To deny God's existence (and Satan's) for us would be madness-- it is as plain as can be.

It astonishes me, then, that so many people who both follow and lead in our beautiful Catholic Faith somehow miss this point. The Catechism of the Church lays it out perfectly:

The whole of man's history has been the story of dour combat with the powers of evil, stretching, so our Lord tells us, from the dawn of history until the last day. This dramatic situation of the whole world, which is in the power of the evil one, makes man's life a battle."

--Catechism of the Catholic Church: 409

And yet it is as if it has been erased from our memory as "science" and "medicine" have advanced.

Our Lord Himself gave as a commandment to his disciples to cast out demons as the VERY FIRST sign of their authority and power in Mark 16:17:

"These are the signs that will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons;"

The biblical evidence for the Church's authority in the name and power of Christ to cast out evil spirits is overwhelming, and so is the historical information we glean from reading the Church Fathers. Cyprian writes:

"Come and hear the demons with your own ears. Come and see them with your own eyes, when, defeated by our entreaties and our spiritual flagellations, and by the torture of our words, they abandon the bodies that they had possessed.... you will see how they, whom you set in high places and honor as lords, are bound by our hands and tremble within our power." (address to Demetrianus, no. 15)

I quote Father Gabriele Amorth, the chief exorcist of Rome, when I say:

"I have given three reasons that explain, in part, the reluctance of our modern Catholic Clergy to deal with these realities, and they are: lack of formation, lack of experience, and widespread doctrinal errors.
The Magesterium, on the other hand, has never failed to teach what is right. In the last decades, the Church's unchanging biblical-theological doctrine about Satan and his activity has been reiterated in no fewer than eighteen texts of the Second Vatican Council, three speeches of Pope Paul VI, and twenty-two speeches of Pope John-Paul II. These voices are clear and authoritative, but as Homer would say: "my poor verses, thrown to the winds..." (An exorcist: more stories, p. 57)

Clearly, when it comes to understanding the activity of Satan, we have all gone astray. Those of us who remain aware of the problem, usually by no action of our own, find themselves in the uncomfortable situation of trying to protect and safeguard people who do not want to be kept safe.

Meanwhile, walking among you, you will also find those people who have had a brush (whether willing or unwilling) with evil so severe that they know, instinctively, that they need relief. Many of them do not know that this relief will come from Christ, and because of the lack of equipped Christians who possess the ability and gifting and skillset to deal with these types of issues, they find themselves instead turning to further occult practices (mediums, shamen, witches and healers) to rid themselves of these influences, compounding the problem.

Virtually EVERY person we have ever assisted as deliverance counselors has been tormented by something which they either invited in unknowingly or unknowingly fell victim to. Education, and the dissemination of information relating to the demonic world, then, is paramount in the protection of the people. Sadly, even in Christian circles, these topics are seldom discussed or addressed.

Among those who DO believe, I find that they would much prefer to leave the problem up to "specialists" in the field.... pastors and priests who are called to minister to the public. Those who accept, however, quickly realize that the intricacies and bizarreness of these types of cases too often require patience as one would need when dealing with a physically or mentally ill person. This job is messy and uncomfortable, and requires that we step outside our comfort zone and into something that is basically selfless-- often requiring that we lay down our lives (sometimes literally) for another.

In protestant charismatic circles, the idea is usually taught that every believer is able to, by the power of Christ, cast out demons (these signs will follow those who believe) and most protestants who find themselves considering an authentically demonic problem recognize it is their born duty, as a child of God, to go in and battle the Enemy for the sake of the soul of the person before them. I've never known a truly believing protestant to back down from a spiritual battle they recognized as being "authentic."

Catholics, however, have two tendencies which override this zeal for the Lord's work. The first is to place all "ministry" in the hands of the priest. Now, do not get me wrong, and I must say this: WE NEED OUR PRIESTS in the battle against evil. The BEST defense against Satan is the Word of God, which we receive through the Church, the AUTHORITY of God, which we receive through the Church, and the SACRAMENTS of God, which we receive through the Church. There should be NO question: spiritual warfare is not a one-man show. However it is greatly depressing to me to see the apathy in today's layperson, not recognizing that they, in a special way, have also been called to minister to God's people.

The second tendency is rather connected to the first: out of fear of being "bothered" by Satan themselves, or being set offtrack from their "real life," people avoid those persons with obvious demonic problems like the plague. It is very, very common for people to seek to protect themselves by neither hearing, nor seeing, nor speaking about the work of Satan. Scripture is a source of great wisdom to temper this tendency. While it admonishes us to meditate only on what is GOOD, it reminds us also that we ARE engaged in the battle, whether we like it or not, by virtue of our baptism, which is, in itself, an exorcism.

In other words, we are called neither to avoid demonic issues nor to embrace them, but only to deal with them when we discern their presence. Let me say that again: we are called not to AVOID demonic problems, nor to INVITE and embrace them, but only to deal with the problem of evil as it presents itself in our lives, walks, and ministries.

In my particular situation, which I recognize to be quite different from those who are called to minister by singing in the choir or by providing spaghetti dinners for the Senior Socials, I am by nature of my vocation called to pray for and assist both persons who experience demonic torment and those persons who assist them (namely, priests and priest exorcists and deliverance counselors.)

For you, the task may be entirely different and you may never see or hear the things which I am made daily aware of. However, and this is what I wish I could convey to everyone, that does not negate your responsibility, as a believer, to fight the battles God has engaged you in. After all, the BATTLE is the Lord's, not our own. We may feel totally ill-equipped to deal with evil of the magnitude we may encounter, but we then forget that it is not "I who live, but Christ who lives in me."(Galatians 2:19,20)

Again, scripture tells us, each of us, how we are to deal with the Enemy when we encounter him. By nature of our baptism, we are all guaranteed such a meeting, and we must not be fooled that our "regular life" is the most important thing. The most important thing is not our comfort but our openness to be used of God. Our willingness to, like Mary, say "YES, Lord, may it be done to me according to thy Word," even when it seems to make no sense.

It astonishes me that in a Church full of people who pray DAILY for the intercession of such powerful saints as the Cure D'ars, or Padre Pio, or Teresa of Avila, the common people refuse to recognize in these very saints the most important aspects of their lives.... that they were not only brutally attacked and tormented by the Evil One on a regular basis, but that they, despite the discomfort that that brought, persisted in teaching others how to find liberty in Christ, which made them a target and painted a gynormous bull's eye on their backs.

We are called to be saints. Saints must fight. The battle is the Lord's. This does not mean that I intend for you to go out right now and shout a challenge to every evil spirit in sight from your front porch. NO! It means that you must look around at what has been placed on your plate, see where the Enemy is at work blocking God's will in your life and the lives of those around you, and to minister to them with full yieldedness to God, allowing Him to use you however He sees fit.

Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.- James 4:7

God knows what you need and He is the giver of all gifts. If you must face an intense battle, do not fear it, but yield to God. He will see you through to victory.
If you seem to have no big battles around you, ask God to reveal to you where He wants you to fight, and how.

If you do not discern the presence of evil somewhere in your life, then you are not looking hard enough. Remember that the catechism states that ALL OF LIFE comes down to this great battle between good and evil. You will not deal with this particular temptation and then have total peace. You will not find liberation that extends from now until Christ's return. You will not have rest, true rest, until you do the will of your Father-- and the will of God is to go out, leaving no rock unturned and no shadow left untended, destroying all the evil you find by the mighty Hand of the Lord.

Meditate on His Word:

"Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves." -- Matthew 10:16.

Identification

2009-06-06T18:16:00.001-07:00

I'm having a really hard time dealing with the question of identity.

Who am I? Obvious answers pop out: I'm a Christian, a wife, and a mother. I'm a carmelite. I'm a friend. I'm a sister and a daughter. Then there are the occupational ones.... I'm a published writer. I'm a housekeeper. I'm a cook. I'm a minister of the gospel. I'm a teacher. I'm a nurse. I'm a doula. I'm a yogi. I'm a knitter.

All of these things are pieces of my identity that I'd like to keep. There are other things I'd like to add but haven't yet... like university graduate, or world traveller.

There come certain times in my life when I have to make decisions about piecing together that identity. I decide what shows to watch on TV and that forms me, or what books to read. I have to give up certain habits or ideas, and that also forms me. Or rather, in doing so, Christ forms His character in me.
One of the hardest things for me is letting go of those things which I WANTED to have in the first place.

Being French used to be something that mattered a great deal to me and at which I actively worked. It wasn't enough to be born and raised there--- once I came to the US I had to make French friends (the French Connection!) and cook french foods and find people to speak French with so that I didn't lose that. We watched French movies and dressed like french people, and read french books. We concerned ourselves with French issues. Every nationality represented in the US has this type of method of preservation of identity available to them. When I hung out with Swedish girls all the time, it was the identical process, we just at kottbollar and glogg instead of crepes and coffee.

Nowadays, I have virtually lost that French identity. I wear hand-me-downs that were given to me for the most part so I have completely lost my own sense of style and basically dress like an American. I have no one to speak French WITH, so I don't do that anymore. There is no cultural source of French food or entertainment or company, so I've pretty much forgotten-- or at least put out of my mind-- those things which made me "French." In fact, most people in this part of the country have a strong distaste for France and the French, so I can't even really discuss it with the locals. All I have left is a birth certificate and a funny name. And even, that, somehow, I have lost.

As my kids grow, they don't like to speak French because I'm the only one who does it with them. I wonder sometimes if it's even WORTH teaching them-- who will THEY use it with other than the once-a-month phone calls with distant relatives?

At the same time, I'm reluctant to lose it. I want to maintain this identity for no other reason than it is IMPORTANT to me, and its been with me all my life. In cleaving to my husband, I am asked to relinquish this part of me (by nature of things like his distaste for classically French cuisine or traditions which I would have, if I lived alone, implemented in my home) It is very hard to balance who I am with who HE is, because by the nature of his role and position, he does not appreciate those things "around him."

Now before you go off thinking that's unfair, consider that there are MANY things he holds dear which I am put off by and which I hope HE would lose. Should he cleave to MY culinary tastes, I would be asking him to LOSE those things which he grew up on and which create HIS identity--- like Carolina BBQ.

Marriage is a give and take, and the issue of our identity is paramount. As a couple, we have to have unity of purpose-- we have to follow those things which God has called us to. And in this life, and in our family, for right now, God has called us to Fayetteville, North Carolina, a wart on the face of America. God has called us to have more children than we can "afford" by the world's standards, to be in relationships which are less than effortless, and NOT to know with any certainty that we will ever see/experience those things of which we dream.

I may cry every year cutting my grandmother's Foie Gras at Christmas and setting up the Creche, but the fact is that the only place I know for SURE that I will see my grandmother or aunts and cousins again is in the Eucharist. To pine and dream that somehow, some way I will get back there and to look for any opportunity that "might" arise is not only wasteful but sinful. In doing so, I'm doing exactly what Jesus admonished us NOT to do--- I'm fretting about tomorrow.

It seems that my whole life has been about learning to do what's in front of me, to be present in every moment, to be content with what I have. To abandon myself completely to God's care and relinquish all sense of control.

And yet I sit here thinking about WHY and how we raise our children and I think about how sad it is that I have been fed for years that I am raising "champions and worldchangers." Are my kids going to make a difference? Maybe. But in the end, my kids are going to be just like me: a face in an ocean of humanity, a speck in time. A piece of dust.

Cleaving to my husband and to the "thing" which God is forming us, united, to be, is the most difficult task in front of me, because it means letting go of everything that "feels" good---- it means accepting that in this life, I will have trouble.

Because of the Gospel, I may never walk the streets of Marseille again. Because of the gospel, I may never arise to the stillness and quiet of my alpine home and let my children have the privilege of experience the sights and sounds which shaped me. Because of the gospel, my children may NEVER know the beautiful things I've seen and tasted and heard and carry in my heart.

The reason for that is that those things which "tie" me there are the very things I must walk away from, and often the very people from whom I must detach in order to walk into what God has willed for me. I am truly so selfish that I'm often willing to IGNORE a relational issue which must be addressed just so that I can have the peace of being connected to those things which my senses require for joy.

As a Christian, as a wife, as a Mother, as a Carmelite, I must make decisions which sometimes leave behind those people who connect me to that identity and which sometimes are my only link to that distant past for which my heart and senses long.

So now the task is to find solace-- to find in Christ that consolation which I know He, my Creator, is capable of giving me.

I have told you this so that through me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but be courageous-I have overcome the world!--John 16:33

On homemaking.

2009-06-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

I've gotten a couple of requests lately for a blog talking about my home life, so I guess it's time!

First, let me just say that things are about the same, on the homefront, as they always are. I'm really hoping that the summer doesn't go by too quickly, first because I'm trying to take advantage of Southern Summers without letting myself get too overwhelmed by them-- last year it was so dang hot I just stayed indoors with the AC and ventured out only when I had too, which was weird, because I didn't really FEEL the summer.
So, this year, things are a bit different. I'm sitting outside more, and going for walks, even though being pregnant (again) in this heat is deadly. It's healthier, I think, but it definitely takes a toll on me physically. This pregnancy has been harder than the other two by far, and it's not even really halfway over.

As far as the homefront goes, we are perpetually itinerant. We rent a home which has an expired lease, so technically at any moment we could be given the boot. With that in mind, we've been keeping our eyes open on new places all the while maintaining a low profile and staying on top of enjoying the time we have in this home. This is the longest we, as a married couple, have been in one place, so its kinda grown on me. As much as I'm ready for a new (and bigger, please God! This place is sooo tiny!) house, I'm also thankful for the nice neighborhood and all of that.

Doing that has caused me to get into a place where I try to just take things as they come. The nature of Peter's work situation and our goals etc mean that I am basically forced to give up on any sense of control I have over my future. Things just happen, and I just do what I can to make sure they happen in a way that I can handle, or at least deal with.

Recently, Peter and I got into an argument over the state of the refrigerator. You see, when we go to the grocery store, I always push the old, nasty stuff to the back and put the new, yummy stuff I just bought in the front. This means that often I find things have gone bad because I forgot about them, etc, and that I periodically have to have these like, two hour cleansing sessions with my fridge where I'm pulling out half eaten yogurt containers and old hummus boxes.
Soooooo, Peter got really mad at me one day and said that I always do things in the least logical way--- I keep things far from where they are needed, etc etc. He explained to me that it made WAY more sense to keep the OLD food in the front and the new food in the back. And he was right. What's funny is, it totally changed the way I looked at how I keep my house.

All of a sudden, I realized that nothing in my house was really functional. It was orderly because I slaved away at BEING orderly, but it wasn't useful. I set to work re-arranging everything so that it fit with our lifestyle, and more importantly, so that it met my priorities.

The way it had happened was that I was trying very hard to live other people's lives.
For years, now, it had been like this.... I was trying to squeeze myself into the mold of the "perfect Christian housewife" and unfortunately, there is no such thing. Instead, I was trying as hard as I could to BE Debi Pearl or Stormie O'Martian or Mr.s Fletcher, and not stopping to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit with regards to what He wanted for MY life, and for MY specific family, which wasn't to be or look like the Pearls or the O'Martians or the Fletchers. My family has a distinct flavor and "thing" that makes us US, and that was what I was failing to recognize. So I started over, with my priorities.

For example, my priorities for myself are to pray more, to do yoga more, to knit more, and to write more. These are the areas in which I believe God has really given me particular gifts which he wants me to nurture and to grow in, for the sake of my ministry and my walk with Him.
My priorities for the kids are to homeschool, to get exercise, to get at least an hour's nap, and to play well and learn the Gospel.
My priorities for Peter are to eat well, feel loved, and to be given the time and encouragement he needs to succeed in school.

So I did little things, like put the family altar front and center in the living room, so that we cannot walk around without being reminded of God's presence in our lives and making Him a part of our day.
Then I took all the books off the living room book shelf and instead filled it with yoga mats and props, to encourage me to stop and do yoga throughout the day. Which has been amazing, and a big change from having to haul them out from the bedroom closet!
Making adjustments like that has helped me to put what's most important first.

To add to the changes I was making, I got rid of my "daily schedule." There was sooo much stress on me each day to stop whatever I was doing at the time and shift gears just because the clock said to.
I worked hard to make great schedules and then found that I could not keep them no matter what, because invariably one of the kids would be in a bad mood, or too tired, or my husband would change his mind and come home for lunch, or things like that. My house is FAR too volatile to keep a perfect schedule 100% of the time. So instead of pressuring myself to stay "on schedule," I've learned to just make a to-do list. I keep it in my calendar and as the day goes by I work at knocking things off it. Whatever doesn't get done that day gets moved to the next day, but the important stuff always comes first. And i find that in doing that, I have the freedom and flexibility to stop and discipline the kids when they need it or take a break and sit on the floor for a while with them when they need that and I'm not constrained by a clock which ticks.
This doesn't mean I've slacked off in any way-- my days are actually FAR more productive. But it does mean that I've stopped trying to fit in someone else's shoes, taken a long hard look at my TRUE self and my family's TRUE spirit, and tried to figure out ways and systems to cope with life in our crazy, busy household.
And it works!

I feel far more grounded as a housewife than I ever have been-- I'm finally starting to feel confident in my mothering and in my housekeeping. And less stress on me makes my husband a happier man, because I am able to accept us all for who we are and what we feel God has called US to become rather than feeling constant disappointment that I don't live up to the picture perfect image which I see around me of what a "Good Christian wife and mom" should look like. It's liberating!

Of course, this pregnancy, as usual, has me up and down with mood swings and just feeling so run down, so I am having to be patient with myself and learn to adapt even more to my body's need for rest these days.
I really don't DO pregnancy very well, it's always a fiasco and I am miserable most of the way through it, so I'm looking forward to baby 3 being here and things moving along nicely.

That's about it for now! Hope it was somewhat helpful.

More on Christian Yoga.

2009-06-02T06:57:00.000-07:00

I just read the greatest quote EVER in an article on Catholicism and yoga.

Because she recognized the immediate "health" sense of practicing yoga when she was given a series of asanas to practice after an injury and immediately recovered, this woman began by telling everyone she met about the benefits of a yoga practice.
Almost immediately , she was warned to stay away for fear of getting infested by demons by well meaning Christian friends.

Thus, this Catholic woman began her own journey, not unlike mine, to discover whether Christians can/should practice yoga.

One of the best comments she made was this:

As a Catholic, she is perpetually being hounded that her gestures and responses and physical postures during mass are "unspiritual" and that she is practicing an empty religion that does NOTHING to draw her to Jesus. People tell her to "get real" with Christ and to build a relationship and not to focus on meaningless gestures and meditations and responses.
And yet these same people who tell her that Christ has no power over her in Mass are telling her that essentially by stretching her legs she is willingly allowing powerful demons entry into her soul. In other words, (and I'm paraphrasing) demons have infinitely more power than Christ over our wills. When we exercise our will and try to meet with God, He will not meet us, but when a well meaning Christian leaves her will out of it and innocently moves her body a certain way, he will abandon her to demonic entities? What kind of God is that?

The main point of her article is that there is absolutely no "danger" in practicing yoga, not only for the exercise but in gaining a grasp of yoga's philosophy, so long as one does not begin to practice hinduism (and I'll add buddhism) alongside it. Any well-grounded Christian with an ounce of discernment can begin a home practice, learn the basics, benefit from the healthy changes that yoga will create in their life, without doing any danger or damage to their soul or situation.

It's when people begin to open themselves up to the new age blending of religious ideas that they begin to lose their WILL and sense of who they are in Christ. I suffer for people who agonize over their desire to practice yoga but feel that they cannot "partake" in something that didn't originate in the Bible. Do these people eat hamburgers? They aren't in the bible. Do they have Christmas trees? Not in the bible. Do they listen to Christian Rock? Not in the bible. Do they drive cars? Not in the bible. And yet they have managed to sanctify these things and blend them with their Christian identity. Why can we not do the same for yoga? Are these demons so much more powerful than Christ that they cannot succumb to His will for us as we exercise our own will-- healthy bodies, minds and souls focused on Him and overflowing with His love and light?

I loved reading this article, because it really showed me how I'm not the only one who has struggled to find meaning in the madness of people's fears and insecurities about God and their relationship to Him.

The basic premise is simple: DO YOGA. WORSHIP GOD ALONE. If at any point in your communal practice you come to a moment where you are using your will to open up to something other than Christ, stop and reject that as a part of your practice. Learn to be transformed by the RENEWING, and not emptying, of your mind. (Romans 12:1-2)
The complete text of the article can be found here:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/854539/is_there_such_a_thing_as_christian.html?singlepage=true&cat=50

Things you learn when your husband sticks around the house more than usual

2009-05-27T05:31:00.000-07:00

People always want to know why being a mom is so dang hard, why their mom friends never return phone calls and can't find time to email or make it out to coffee. Here is a prime example.

This morning, Peter thought it would be a good idea to open the blinds wide in the kids' room before he went to work so that some sunlight would come in because he knows that sunlight kills germs.
A good idea, in theory. In practice, here's what happened.

Our house is old, and thus most of our blinds are broken and basically hanging on a string or missing parts. To top it off, the kids are young, and so they like to try to grab the blinds, thus destroying the bottom corners on both sides. The stick thing that turns the blinds on one of the windows in their room is missing.

My normal morning routine is to open the blinds of the window that faces the side of the house in the morning, and the one that faces the back of the house in the afternoon, when the sun isn't directly hitting it so that their room doesn't heat up too much making their naptime unbearable. Because they grab the blinds on the side that doesn't have the stick that opens them anyways, I use the string to simply pull them open and shut it at the end of the day. On the other window, I use the stick to open the blinds, leaving them down because the kids can't reach them due to a big rubber bin that stands in the way. It works just great. AND there is a reason behind the whole process: naptime is hard when the kids are too hot in their room so I do what I can to ensure a cool room before lunch. It's also hard when their room is too bright.

Peter is tall, so he got the stick down from the first window, connected it to the second window, and opened the second window's blinds (the one facing the back)-- the hot window. THEN he took the stick and re-attached it to the first window and got ready to go to work. He couldn't understand why it annoyed me so much, and with good reason. After all, it appears that all he did was open some blinds and let some light in. I tried to explain it, but to no avail.

So, here's the part he is missing:

Come eleven o'clock, when the kids are eating lunch, I will go in their room to shut the blinds and straighten up for their naptime. The room will be hot, so I will have to turn the AC up even though the rest of the house is borderline cool, which I hate. I will remember that he had used the stick thing to open the blinds so I will have to go get a chair to switch the sticks out on the two blinds and close the other one. When I get the chair, the kids will see me do it, and they will want to help. Both of them will try to drag chairs into their room also. I will realize that a chair does not fit through the halfway closed door to the position of the crib, so I will have to move the crib to open the door fully to pull the chair through. Before I do this, I will try to see if I can reach the stick with just the kids' stool, which DOES fit through the door. It wont, so I will try again with the chair and proceed to have to move the crib. While I'm tottering on the chair, the kids will want to climb on MY chair, probably pushing me off at some point. I will send them to their own chairs, which will prompt fighting over whichever chair they both want to sit/stand on. This will cause one of two things: an injury or a fight, either of which have the same result: I will have to stop what I'm doing and go down and regulate, through some method of discipline that will no doubt take several minutes. Because this is all happening pre-nap time, they will be more inclined to go into a total meltdown when I discipline them instead of just moving on once it's done. During the meltdown, one or both of them will lose control of their bowels from all the commotion and I will have to stop and change them and/or mop up a mess on the floor.
I will then realize that they have not eaten and I have not fixed the blinds. I will put them back at the table to finish their food but by then they will be so tired they wont want to eat OR stay at the table. Meanwhile, I will put the stick on the blinds, close them, and then put the stick back where it goes on the other blinds. This action will be interrupted every few moments by one or both of the children running into the room with a question, complaint, etc.
I will get off the chair, push it through the door, and move the crib back. Then I will push the chair back to the dining room table where my kids will see me pushing a chair and shout "we want a tent!" Nothing will deter them from this tent idea, so I will build them a tent in order to scarf some food down as fast as I can before they go to sleep so that I can do what I need to do while they are unconscious, only to discover that they are so tired and cranky that they are fighting about who broke the tent and who can stand under it.

I will lose my patience, send everyone to bed, and then spend their entire naptime making and eating my own food, cleaning up theirs because I wasn't watching them while they ate since I was busy with the blinds, and then picking up tent remnants etc. The kids will be hot and uncomfortable in their room so they will wake up earlier than normal, probably just as I am finally lying down to sleep, and be cranky and annoyed for a good part of the afternoon.

All this, folks, because my husband innocently wanted to open the blinds his way instead of just letting me do it. From start to finish, it will have taken me between 15 and 60 minutes to close a blind, and in the process I will have completely disrupted my kids' schedule and everything I wanted to accomplish in that time.

And that, my dear readers, is why moms are always late, forget everything, and never return phone calls. That. Right. There.

The Holy Rosary

2009-05-18T18:11:00.000-07:00

I had a good friend ask me today what the Rosary is, exactly, and it occurred to me that I may not have ever written a blog dedicated specifically to explaining the Rosary to protestants who really have no clue what it is. Since she was the second protestant to ask me in less than two weeks, it seemed like the opportunity had come.

Certainly the image of a little old lady with beads in hand and lace veil on head speaks to us of Catholicism, but aside from being an emblem of the Catholic faith, what is it and why should protestants look into it?

At it's core, the Rosary is a Marian devotion, and so many protestants shy away from it on the basis that it has to do with Mary, which makes them uncomfortable. So the first thing I would say is that what makes the rosary specifically Marian is that it is intended to help you walk through Christ's life in Mary's shoes-- through her eyes.

So what is it, exactly? The Rosary is a meditation and prayer. If we look at it's meditative qualities, we should look first to what meditation is: The contemplation of something that puts us into a state of perfect peace. While there are many meditations out there which I would warn you about, the one place you cannot go wrong (and in which people with an interest in meditation but who fear meditation as it seems too "Unchristian" in nature should trust) is meditation on the life of Christ. For this purpose, we are given the Scriptures, through which we can concentrate on what "it all means" and how it applies. Contrary to many forms of eastern meditation which are potentially damaging for their ability to leave doors open for demonic activity, Christian meditation is about FULLNESS and overflow. We meditate ON scripture, not on nothing. We meditate on Jesus, and are filled with the Holy Spirit, not leaving ourselves empty, swept and clean for just any spirit to move on in.

The meditative aspects of the Rosary are simple: we pray out loud, the beads slip through our fingers, and thus our mind is occupied with what are called the "mysteries," or various aspects of the life of Christ. The tactile experience of touching the beads and the verbal experience of saying the prayers draws us deeper into a mental/emotional experience of literally walking with Christ.

The benefits of meditation are profound, ranging from a longer life span to less illness and more joy. But these things are not enough for me to convince you that meditation is something you should take up. Instead, I will continue with the core of the Rosary: the prayers.

Above all else, the Rosary is a prayer. We offer our recitation of the Rosary up for some intention and we pray specific parts of it for specific virtues in our own prayer walk.

We begin the Rosary by making the sign of the Cross. We cross ourselves, saying: "In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit." This is a sign Christians have made since the beginning of the Church and which unites us to our Lord on the Cross.

Reciting the Rosary consists of a series of prayers, beginning with the Apostles' Creed, which is a statement of faith. This creed projects our unity of faith and is pulled directly from Church doctrine. We believe these things, therefore we say them as we begin:

English:

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth; and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord; Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell; the third day He arose again from the dead. He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God, the Father Almighty; from thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the communion of Saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body and life everlasting. Amen.

Latin:

Crédo in Déum, Pátrem omnipoténtem, Creatórem cáeli et térræ. Et in Jésum Chrístum, Fílium éjus unícum, Dóminum nóstrum: qui concéptus est de Spíritu Sáncto, nátus ex María Vírgine, pássus sub Póntio Piláto, crucifíxus, mórtuus, et sepúltus: descéndit ad ínferos: tértia díe resurréxit a mórtuis: ascéndit ad cáelos: sédet ad déxteram Déi Pátris omnipoténtis: índe ventúrus est judicáre vívos et mórtuos.
Crédo in Spíritum Sánctum, sánctam Ecclésiam cathólicam, Sanctórum communiónem, remissiónem peccatórum, cárnis resurrectiónem, vítam ætérnam. Amen.

After the apostle's creed comes the Our Father, which is a prayer pulled directly, as you know, from Scripture:

English
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Latin:

Páter nóster, qui es in cáelis, sanctificétur nómen túum. Advéniat régnum túum. Fíat volúntas túa, sícut in cáelo et in térra.
Pánem nóstrum quotidiánum da nóbis hódie, et dimítte nóbis débita nóstra, sícut et nos dimíttimus debitóribus nóstris. Et ne nos indúcas in tentatiónem: sed líbera nos a málo. Amen.

And after the Our Father, the Hail Mary's. This prayer is also pulled directly from scripture, Luke 1:28 to be exact. In the Hail Mary, we recite scripture, and then ask for prayer now and at the time of Our Death from God's greatest Saint, Mary.

English

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Latin:

Áve María, grátia pléna, Dóminus técum; benedícta tu in muliéribus, et benedíctus frúctus véntris túi, Jésus.
Sáncta María, Máter Déi, óra pro nóbis peccatóribus, nunc et in hóra mórtis nóstræ. Amen.

We finish up each series of prayers, what we call a "decade" with a Glory Be:

English:

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

Latin:

Glória Pátri, et Fílio, et Spirítui Sáncto.
Sícut érat in princípio et nunc et sémper et in sáecula sæculórum. Amen.

And lastly, the Oh My Jesus:

English:

Oh my Jesus, forgive us our sins. Save us from the fires of hell. Lead all souls to Heaven, specially those in more need of your mercy.

Latin:
Mi Jésu, indúlge peccáta nóstra, consérva nos ab ígne inférni, duc ómnes ad cáeli glóriam, præcípue túa misericórdia egéntes.

As we say each series of prayers, we think, focus, and meditate on a series of five mysteries or events in the life of Christ. These are pulled entirely from scripture: The meditations are, in order:

The annunciation (the angel declaring to Mary that she will give birth to Christ)
The visitation (Mary's visit to Elisabeth)
The nativity (The birth of Christ)
The presentation in the temple
The finding in the temple
The resurrection
The ascension
The the descent of the Holy Spirit
The assumption of Mary
The coronation
The baptism of Jesus
The wedding at Cana
The proclamation of the Kingdom
The transfiguration
The institution of the Eucharist
The agony in the Garden
The scourging at the pillar
The crowning with thorns
The carrying of the cross
The crucifixion

One word about the mysteries: many protestants also recite the mysteries but I know of a few, personally, who have a problem with two of them: the assumption and coronation of Mary, claiming that they are unscriptural. While I can certainly provide scriptural references and make a case for this, I will spare you the lecture and simply say that if it makes you uncomfortable, there is nothing that say that you HAVE to pray these mysteries. Choose instead to focus on the ones that you personally connect with.

It may seem like it's a lot of work to do just to pray, but once you get the hang of it, it's literally effortless and begins to flow, allowing you to focus not on "saying it right" but on the spiritual fruit that results from the prayers of the Rosary... the benefits which last a lifetime because they build holiness in you. Who can be anything but drawn to Christ who spends twenty minutes each day in His presence, walking by Him?

Praying the Rosary daily has changed my life. It has built a new peace into me and daily helps me to recognize those places in which God is trying to build His character into me. I recommend it to everyone as the most powerful weapon of spiritual warfare in existence. It is, in essence, about becoming One with God's Word.

On prayer

2009-05-10T09:51:00.000-07:00

The most amazing thing happened at Mass today.
We sat in front of this hispanic family we see from time to time, and for whatever reason I felt instantly bonded to the mom... no idea why, assumed it was a God thing, but just felt, you know, "tight."

It was a first communion mass again, and as I mentioned last week-- first communions mean a lot to me. I remember my own Grandparents, already relatively old for long car rides, actually buying plane tickets to come and see mine at the Santa Barbara mission-- what an event! They never came for a birthday or a graduation, but for my first communion--- they knew how special it was!

So, everything was going along as usual when it came time for the sign of peace. Peter and I smooched and I turned behind me to commence the handshaking and kiss-on-the-cheeking, which, I admit, I often find kind of disruptive and tedious. Imagine my surprise when at that moment, God showed up in a major way!

The woman behind me, in broken english, asked if I would mind if she prayed for my baby. I should pause here and tell you that prayer has been on my mind all week.

The first thing I've been thinking about is how often we let moments to pray slip past. We hear a bit of news and think," oh, I need to pray for them" but somehow forget to actually stop and do it right then and there. I had resolved to begin just praying, all the time, stopping whatever I was in the middle of and just doing it.

The second thing I've been thinking is in particular with regards to the rosary. I love the rosary because it sort of counter balances my two hour hardcore pray-a-thons.... I worry sometimes that I just don't have the energy to REALLY pray, so I have times where I don't give 100 percent to my prayer.

This is because sometimes , often even, I am moved to like---- get LOUD when I pray. To sing powerful praises and then to STAND on the word of God (exclamation mark, exclamation mark, etc) and to SPEAK His Word over people and to, you know, get pentacostal on Him. But with the rosary, I am still totally in the Spirit but it's a different thing the Spirit does-- - it is reflective, quiet, internal , and introspective. It is pure peace, which is different from the excitement and amazement you experience when you are praying in tongues or whatnot. I absolutely LOVE both and I feel like I was missing something when I didn't have the rosary, but at the same time, I never want to give up those Spirit-Filled moments of just pure charismatic prayer, you know? And that's easy to do in the Catholic Church, because most people around you are not charismatic and probably think you're a little strange. In fact, I was just saying this the other day... that it's somewhat of a joke in my circle of friends that the two ex-protties are the ones who, you know, PRAY and that the Catholics, instead, SAY their prayers. That isn't to say that Catholics aren't praying "correctly," it's just to say that in the Charismatic circles I've always moved in, we prayed one way, and in the circles most Catholics I know move in, they prayed another way.

I am thankful for both, and want to practice both "styles" of prayer--- the Church has given us prayers which are theologically sound, and it is good to pray them, but I think every person needs to be able to pray from their heart and literally SPEAK to God, in the Holy Spirit. Because of that, I've become sort of a stickler for both-- I make sure to pray the rosary at least once a day and a series of prayers that come from our rich heritage, but I also make sure to spend some time just praying whatever the Holy Spirit has for me to pray at that time. All this to say that I MISS, really, really miss, having charismatic types around--I miss having some serious prayer warriors I can count on to intercede in the Holy Spirit and power at the drop of a hat. Better than that, I miss having friends who can surprise ME by letting me know that God has already told them to pray for me and why, and I miss being that kind of prayer partner for my own friends!

Imagine how happy I was, then, in this moment, as this woman who was sitting behind me asked if she could pray for my baby, and then proceeded to lay hands on my belly and just PRAY! All around us, people were shaking hands and kissing each other but for me time stood still as I stood in this powerful prayer-tornado and let thankfulness wash over me. Clearly, this woman had intimate knowledge about me from the Lord, and clearly she wanted to share God's love for my child by pouring out prayers over her.

I was so thankful I burst into tears--- it was so good to be bonded in prayer with someone who, for lack of a better word, not only understood but inspired me to get back on the horse and GO. God started out training a warrior in me, and somewhere along the way, mostly because I felt alone, I forgot that. May I never forget it again, Lord, and may I be used as this woman was to bless other people with Your infinite love.

The mass-- a how-to.

2009-05-09T03:31:00.000-07:00

I received this email from a special girl on Myspace yesterday:

See, I’ve been agnostic/atheist for about seven years, after leaving the Russian Orthodox Church. I want to come back to church, but Gainesville (where I attend University) only has two churches: a Greek Orthodox one, far away, and a Catholic one, right down the street. I have no car, so the Catholic church is the most accessible.. I wrote the Catholic priest about my attending mass and he was very nice and welcoming. However, I don’t know/remember much and don’t want to upset a bunch of people accidentally.. So I was looking for information in your blogs.. and I was wondering if I could get some advice on proper conduct/dress code.. anything/everything (eep!)?

Because I get quite a few emails like this, I thought it might be useful to reply in a blog, where others can quickly and easily find the answers.

Going to mass for the first time can be scary--- if you have never been around Catholics you really only have the reputation to go off: You know to expect lots of standing, sitting, and kneeling, and hand signals, and responses. Other than that? Ahhhhh!

So, without further ado, I give you: a short guide to attending mass for the first time.

The first question everyone asks is: What should I wear? And it's a good one-- what should I wear to meet with my Creator today? The answer for men and for women is remarkably similar: Something that shows respect and that acknowledges from your heart the incredible nature of what you are about to witness and participate in. When I was growing up (And still, in Traditional Latin Mass communities-- more on that later) we were expected to wear our "Best" to Mass. This meant nice, formalish dresses for the women and suits for the men. Women NEVER wore low cut tops, clothes which exposed their backs or shoulders, etc. Boy do I remember the arguments I had with my Grandpere when I was a teenager about wearing dresses with low necklines!! Whew. If you DO wear a sleeveless or backless type dress, a cover up is the norm.

Now--- that was then, and in more traditional parishes or Parishes where the Latin Mass is still the norm, that is still in effect. However, I was a bit shocked to discover that these days in most parishes you will find a bit of everything: jeans, shredded jeans, halter tops, sweatshirts, etc. I don't think that this is ALWAYS a bad thing-- after all, we live in different times and these are norms and standards now. However I do think that a conscious person and a spiritually mature person will make the effort to give God their best through their clothing. Jeans are a great example: these days, I do think we can "dress up jeans" and make them look relatively acceptable, but I applaud those women and men who choose to avoid that and go the extra mile in honor of God's presence at the Mass.

Don't let that deter you! If jeans is what you've got--- wear jeans! In Santa Barbara, I often attended daily mass sitting next to homeless guys who hadn't showered in quite a while, and was blessed to be there with them! The idea is to give God your best, whatever that means for you.

As a woman, should you wear a headcovering? I would say yes, even though there is a chance that you will be the only one! Haha. Both the Bible and earlier Church councils recommend that women wear veils to worship, in particular, as St Paul says... "because of the angels." Just as the Angels knew which homes should be preserved by the sign of blood on the doorposts, the Angels know which women to stand by by their outward sign of veiling. In a church where the Traditional Latin Mass is said, you are expected to wear a headcovering and chapel veils will often be provided at the door if you do not have one. At a Novus Ordo mass (what you will usually find in your neighborhood parish) you might be the only one, or one of a handful of women, wearing a headcovering. If you are feeling brave, go for it! You're doing the right thing. If not, don't worry about it. Trust me, no one will notice.

OK, now that you're dressed and out the door, what do you do when you get there?

At some point in the entrance to the Church you will see bowls or a large bowl of holy water, and will notice people dipping their fingers in and making the sign of the cross. Holy Water is water that has been blessed and purified by a priest, and has many physical and spiritual benefits, to include reminding you of your baptismal promises and the fact that you are called to conversion and (my favorite little side effect) Holy Water is also a fabulous demon deterrent. ;) We make the sign of the cross over ourselves slowly and deliberately, in intimate union with our Lord on the cross. Catholics have always made the sign of the cross by touching their finger tips (Some keep their thumb, forefinger, and middlefinger together to remind them of the Holy TRinity) to their foreheads, hearts, left shoulder, right shoulder. The movement is accompanied by the words (either spoken or mentally projected) "in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. It's a good idea to get comfortable making the sign of the cross...Catholics make it all the time throughout the day, and at the Mass.

(interesting Wiki Article on the sign of the Cross here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sign_of_the_cross)

Once inside the church, you will see rows of pews that face towards an altar, which should be elevated somewhat above the level of the pews. Ideally, behind this altar (although it is common in many sad little churches across America to find it off to the side) you will see what looks like a big gold box. Somewhere near this gold box is a red or white suspended candle. The lit candle reminds us that consecrated hosts are inside the box, which is called a Tabernacle. This is where the Eucharistic Lord resides and the reason why an empty Catholic Church never "feels" empty-- God is with us.

You can make a profound bow or genuflect (get down on one knee and cross yourself) towards the tabernacle in acknowledgement before sitting down. Most people get to mass a little early so that they can kneel in their pews before it begins and spend some time in silent prayer. You should remember to always keep silence while inside the Church... it is a place of prayer and God's presence is there! These days, most priests seem to have to remind congregants to be reverent and respectful, but it wasn't always so--- the Catholic Church has always placed great emphasis on prayerful silence and maintaining a reverential attitude.

The mass will begin with a procession: just as in old testament days, the priest and altar boys will process through the Church towards the altar, and this will usally begin with singing. When the priest gets to the front, the mass begins. Here you can follow along with any good "Order of the Mass." I am providing you with two links... one to a Novus Ordo (what you will normally see in the Parishes around you) and one to the very special Traditional Latin Mass (which you will see on special occasions or in particularly traditional parishes) It is easy to follow along with what the priest will say and do and what you are expected to say and do. If you do not have one with you, they are sometimes provided in missals in the pews, OR you can simply follow the leads of the people around you, standing when they stand and kneeling when they kneel. If you do not KNOW the correct responses, don't feel bad about just not saying anything at all---- in fact, that's probably the best way to take in the beauty and "special-ness" of the nature of Holy Mass. If you then decide you like it and want to keep coming, you can make a copy of the Order of Mass and then gradually learn the responses. If you REALLY like it, you can buy a Missal. This is a book that contains everything you need to follow along in the mass (all the scripture texts, prayers, and responses) and is a wonderful addition to your prayer life. They are expensive, so make sure you wait until you are sure you want to do this! In the meantime, you can find it all at the US Conference of Catholic Bishops' website and follow along from there.

If your parish is celebrating the Novus Ordo Mass (and most are) you will find it here: http://www.theworkofgod.org/devotns/euchrist/guide.htm

If your parish is celebrating the Tridentine Latin Mass (and I Hope you get to experience this!!) you will find it here: http://www.fisheaters.com/TLMinstructions.html

In order to receive Holy Communion when it is distributed, you must be a practicing Catholic who is not in a state of Mortal Sin and who has abstained from food or drink for an hour prior to receiving. If you do not meet these qualifications, there is absolutely no shame whatsoever in remaining in your pew, prayerfully reflecting on God's presence in the Eucharist, and in fact, we would be shocked if you didn't! Another option for you, and one I find far nicer, is to come forward in the communion line with everyone else, keeping your arms tightly crossed in front of you, like an X. When the priest sees this, it is his signal to give you a blessing (he will pray over you and make the sign of the cross on your forehead) and you can then return to your seat.

Once the mass is over, you should still maintain your prayerful demeanor. Some people around you will be dropping to their knees to spend a few more minutes in prayer, so simply gather up your things and step into the aisle. Pause to genuflect or bow deeply in the direction of the Tabernacle before leaving, and cross yourself again with Holy Water on your way out. It is customary to take the time to greet the priest and say hello on your way out, he will be standing in a receiving line with the altar boys and you can say hello. Traditionally, We would genuflect and kiss the priest's hand to say hello, but these days, people really just say "what's up" and give them a hug or a handshake. My, how times have changed!! If you are attending a Latin Mass, you should expect to see people greet the priest in the traditional manner. That would be a good time to let the priest know you are new and interested in returning, and ask him if there is anything you should know about taking part in Parish life that might be tailored towards your needs as a person discovering Catholicism.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that there is ALWAYS a traditional AND biblical REASON for what you see, do , and experience in the Catholic Church. Nothing we do is done just "because" it seems interesting. So if there is something you see or do that makes you wonder.... what the heck is this??? Ask. Our liturgy is rich and full.

That should about cover it...and please, I would be thrilled to hear how everyone's first experience goes!!

On my mind.

2009-05-07T03:59:00.000-07:00

Whew--- lots to write about and not a lot of time in which to do it. So, a brief rundown of some things on my mind.

We've been alternating going to two different churches in town, one which we love but which drives us CRAZY in it's perpetual quest to modernize the way we do Church, and the other which we love for it's simplicity.... a kind of church in which you never have to ask yourself "Is this Catholic??" or "Why are they doing that??"

We do it because we know that by being active parishioners at the first church, we are involved in the day to day workings of the parish.... surrounding ourselves with a large population of catholics, many of whom are in similar situations to ours and who we can relate to. We have a set place to serve. We also do it because we know that if we abandoned this parish, that would be two less persons in there dedicated to "keeping things Catholic," and the way that Parish is going ,they need all the help they can get.

The exasperating thing about this church is the Sunday services--- an utter lack of reverence or respect for what is happening, the constant babbling through the mass and during prayer, the ill-trained children, the liberalizing of the liturgy,altar servers who have no idea what they are doing, the plethora of unnecessary Eucharistic Ministers, the neglecting of the honor due the priests, etc, etc, etc.

When we go to the other Church, we have none of these problems: the tabernacle is front and center, as it should be. The priest and congregation are reverent, silence is observed, the Holy Spirit is allowed free reign, the proper forms of the liturgy are adhered to-- it's just glorious. Of course, it's a TINY parish with a population consisting mostly of little old ladies! But each time I go there I find myself so thankful that I was given the opportunity to be reminded of how Church has always been done. It gives me fresh wind and the push I need to encourage the pastors and staff of our own Parish to really work towards remembering what's important. And now, instead of getting discouraged every Sunday, I take one Sunday a month or so to "recharge" and take it all in.

Through all this, I've also learned that Sunday Mass is not really about me! I know that sounds silly--- of course it's not about me, it's about Jesus! But what I mean is that it's not designed in particular to "feed me" but rather to reach out to those lost souls who pop their heads in once in a while. Of course, I am fed by the Eucharist, but the rest of the service is always tailored, it seems, to people who don't really know how to "do" Church. And I think we need that. I see them flocking in every Sunday testing the waters, to sort of "see if it works."

For me, daily mass is where I get to come and spend quiet time with the Lord and in the presence of believers who have made Him the center of their lives. Sunday mass is a celebration where lots of those who are invited actually come to the table-- a different kind of party. It's far less intimate, but much more inclusive, and it's productive because Souls are coming to Him to see if they find in Him what they need.

I think it was like this as a protestant for me too-- Sunday Church always led up to the altar call and though we "grew" significantly, we grew MORE in our small group settings. Because we didn't have daily church, I think I missed out on the opportunity for a lot of intimate growth with believers. I'm so thankful for daily mass and can't wait until I can go more regularly. Lord, let that day come!

Last Sunday was first communion for lots of the kids. This is the day that certain children who have been prepared over the previous months will receive the Eucharist for the very first time. It is a huge joy and an honor to be present at a First Communion mass... I become totally overwhelmed with emotion each time I see the "little children coming to Him."

The children dress up like brides and grooms because they are going to meet their Spouse-- and every one of them has the usual questions when it really comes down to it: Mainly-- what does Jesus' body and blood really taste like?

I always answer: "To me, it tastes like Life itself."
But imagine my dismay when I overheard one mother tell her child: "The wine tastes really bad, but you don't have to drink it." I couldn't fathom why someone would say that to a first communicant-- particularly thinking about all the Saints I know and love who would have done ANYTHING for just one DROP of the Cup before their first communion, and how they instinctively knew to long for it.

In fact, I remember thinking about that as a protestant, when I had denied myself communion because I felt that I couldn't "commune" with catholics in faith and thus should not receive.... I remember thinking that I had never tasted anything quite like it, and when I finally began to receive again years later, that familiar taste was a soothing balm for my soul in more ways than just "spiritually."

Its been a year since my return to the Church and I am sooooo thankful to be standing here. Lord, draw me ever nearer!

All roads lead to Rome (and it's not about Catholicism!)

2009-04-21T11:25:00.000-07:00

Peter and I have been watching HBO's Rome together. When he first started watching it, I wasn't too enthusiastic, but the more I watch it the more I understand why he was so smitten in the beginning.

First, I should say that as the daughter of a historian, it is absolutely shameful that I didn't, until recently, totally understand the impact that Rome had on the rest of the world, and particularly on us, Americans. Shame, I know. It's not that I didn't know it, but it's that I never GOT it. Now I do. In fact, watching Rome is sort of like watching America self destruct on the news, and thinking about how immorality, decadence, greed, and corrupting power have always been the enemies of civilization. Likewise, it is breathtaking to be overcome by the emotions of the time, the excitement of "Getting it right" and to see the thoughtfulness and stoicism which people put into living for the good of others. It is beautiful to see people take being a citizen so seriously.

Peter and I have always had a special relationship with Rome, not only because of it's place at the heart of Christianity, but because of it's finger on the pulse of the creation of an honest, functional society. When we first met, he used to sneak pictures he had drawn of me and him sitting on a beach, dressed in period garb, side by side and staring into the mediterannean. He titled them things like: "Legionnaire and wife." I put them up in my locker and stared hard at them each night... this was how he saw us, and what he dreamed for us.

Watching the HBO series, it's easy now to see why. One of the main characters, Lucius Vorenus, literally IS my husband. Now, let me clarify. When we were first married, he used to read me the story of the brave 300 at Thermopolae in bed. It wasn't easy for me to get as excited as he did about the story, but once the film, 300 came out and I discovered King Leonidas, I went... "Ohhhhhhhh!!!!"

Because, indeed, that WAS him. But even more so with this new series, I'm amazed to discover a character who literally acts and looks and speaks and feels JUST like my husband. Which is quite amazing, particularly since in the series, they spend a good portion of a few of the early episodes dissecting his relationship to his wife, Niobe. As it turns out, I don't really look like her physically, other than our hair and complexion, but her reaction to the eccentricities of her husband--- might as well be my own.

So imagine our surprise when, at the height of the hardest time we have EVER had together as husband and wife, we find ourselves face to face with.... ourselves. On the screen. And in watching the show we have uncovered what works and what doesn't work in our relationship--- discarded certain things and taken on new ways to deal with old conflicts. And all of a sudden, it works! And I don't just mean, it works, like, for a while. Our whole relationship has taken on a new color. It's just incredible.

Peter is a man who lives inside his head. He was raised to be a soldier, so he looks at life for what it is, takes pleasure in moments, and doesn't plan for much other than what's directly in front of him at the time. He is pious, hungry for morality and a greatly moral and ethical man. Even without Christ in his life, he always chose the right. He is spartan in his surroundings, and stoic in his view of life. He casts all emotions aside, and chooses to subdue his passions. He has a fiery, terrible temper that inspires fear in those who encounter it. He doesn't like to waste his time nor have his time wasted. He is uncompromising. He is fierce. He is loyal to a fault, should he find himself in a situation where his loyalties lie with the "wrong" side. When people prophecy over him, they use words like "Lion," "noble," "King," "Swordsman," and "Knight."He is completely socially inept--- having never been exposed to fine society. He is a brute. His tattoo says that he is a "Holy Savage," and I couldn't say it better. He has no knowledge of or understanding of women, having never seen or been around any in his life. He says what he thinks, which can make him appear harsh or brash and confrontational. He enjoys conflict and competition. He is a survivor against all odds. He is hungry for wisdom. He is determined and brave.

When you marry a man like that, you come across several obstacles (particularly if you are strong willed like I am.) The first is that he expects to be treated with reverence and respect, no matter what. He likes things a certain way, and isn't afraid to use words like "obey" and "require."
In theory, I think that's hot, and when Colleen and I started OFARM (operation find a real man) in Santa Barbara, that's the kind of man we were looking for. And boy were they hard to find! Most of the men we met were wishy washy and easily trampled. So in theory, these men are keepers. In practice, however, what a mess! It is hard to be around a person like that, let alone married to one. After all, no one wants to be ordered around and commanded left and right with no sense of appreciation or affection for what they are doing.

The second difficulty is that it makes them appear mean-spirited. I can't tell you how many times in my marriage I have wondered just what is wrong with my husband, as I have never met a more angry, annoying human being. When you see them act without knowing (even intuitively) what's going on under the surface, you are repulsed.

The third challenge is that other people always have something to say about this type of person. As a wife, you know that your job is to love, honor, and respect your husband, even when they are not acting loveable, honorable, or respectable. And yet, when you do the right thing and just do it, there is always someone in your life (your mother, your sister, you best friend) to tell you that you are being trampled, squashed, and demolished as a human being.

It used to be that I preached submission to wives because submission WORKS. Remaining submitted to a husband, particularly one like mine, EVEN (especially) when they don't deserve it, means that he will respond in the positive-- if not with affection and care, at least with contentment. And everyone knows a house with a discontent husband is simply unbearable, right?

Through watching Rome, though, I've learned not only to do the right things-- as in-- be submitted and continue to serve him, but also to ENJOY my husband. Watching the show has shown me how a man like my husband-- a man JUST like my husband--- is a hero. And when I saw him as a hero, even in his failings, I loved him. Just like that.

After being separated for eight years, Lucius reappears at his home and surprises his family. Niobe had thought he was dead and had even had a child by another man. Everyone immediately rushes to serve him, and he, in his soldierly way, busies himself being head of the household again. The first few scenes could have been scenes taken from our own kitchen!!

His wife hovers over him as he tries her soup.
"Is it pleasing?" She asks, and he, without even stopping, continues shoveling food in his mouth and says "Less salt next time." She grimaces.

The baby cries into the night, alone and needing his mother, and without giving any thought to the idea that she will be up with him and needs her rest, Lucius begins to couple with her. She rolls her eyes and prays it will soon be over.

Niobe's eyes light up when he tells her how much pay he is bringing in, but when he gets up to leave without saying goodbye, she calls him a brute.

When he has business to attend to, and expects to do so without being questioned, she asks questions anyways. When he brushes her aside, she curses him and loses her temper, shouting after the closed door.

Each one of these scenes was so familiar to us we couldn't help but laugh hysterically----- and be humbled. We were literally watching our marriage unfold on the screen, and we knew they were headed for trouble. While on his way to the next battle, Lucius begins to show a side of him that we had not seen before. He asks Titus Pullo to explain women to him, having not known any himself. When Titus asks him why, he says: "Because I love my wife, and I require her to love me."

It troubles him that she cannot just be happy with him the way he is. He ponders it day and night. You see, he needs someone who simply loves him, as he is, to inspire him to greatness.

Meanwhile, Niobe questions whether she even wants him to return at all. But when he finally does, he takes Pullo's advice and tells her: "You are beautiful."
With this one phrase, he has unlocked the key to her heart and she visibly melts into regret for thinking poorly of him. As I tell Peter all the time, only one kind word from you is enough to keep me going all day long.

The resulting beauty of their physical, emotional, and soul-tie lovemaking is just.... phenomenal. Because they have figured it out: He needs her to love him as he is and to know that he is neither mean, nor brutal, but simply himself. She needs him to show her just enough tenderness so that she knows he has emotionally invested.
And as he says to her before they kiss that day: "The past is forgotten."

Perhaps it's because Peter and I had somewhat of an arranged marriage (by God-- in that, we didn't know each other at all when we were wed) but we could relate to that scene so much it was almost painful watching it on TV. And then it was as if, as the show and the relationship unfolded, we found in it and in each other all the makings of a perfect love affair--- which begins with loving the OTHER more than you love yourself.

In her book, "Created to be his Helpmeet," (one of the rare books I HIGHLY reccommend) Debi Pearl describes the same scenario, since she and I have similar husbands. And she knows, as I do, that a "Mr. Command Man," like her husband, like mine, and like Lucius Vorenus, once he is being respected and obeyed, will treat his wife like the Queen he knows she is... because no other woman he meets would offer him the kindness and compassion he so desperately needs. I never TOTALLY got that until we watched the entire season of Rome together.

Peter and I have had the roughest lenten season I can ever remember having. We very nearly had a nervous breakdown and a divorce over the last forty days. The Lord had given me a word that Easter would bring with it new rejoicing, but Easter seemed so far and I felt like I was sinking in the mire. We didn't know if we could fix our lives, and because of that, we didn't know if we could fix our marriage. But it turned out that God was doing both, by teaching us to just BE in the moment and not fret over our futures and what we "COULD" become and by teaching us to just BE in each other and not fret about who we "Could" be or "should" be.

So I can seriously say, HBO's Rome: you changed our lives. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Makes me proud to have allegiance to Rome. ;)

Paranormal TV Shows vs Reality

2009-03-24T03:34:00.001-07:00

I have a friend who likes to watch the A&E show Paranormal State but who doesn't have a lot of experience in the Paranormal field. She asked me to elaborate today on what I think about this show in particular, but I'm going to veer into other paranormal shows and even into the paranormal world with this blog.

First, let me start by saying that the Christian worldview totally provides for the existence of paranormal phenomena. Gods who become men, the dead rising, signs and wonders, angels and demons--- it doesn't get more "paranormal" than that. Which is how I got involved in this field in the first place: I had a radical, life changing encounter with the Risen Christ, and through it I've been given the gift of "seeing" a spiritual reality outside the natural world. The Catechism of the Catholic Church tells us this:

"The whole of man's history has been the story of dour combat with the powers of evil, stretching, so our Lord tells us, from the dawn of history until the last day. This dramatic situation of the whole world, which is in the power of the evil one, makes man's life a battle."

--Catechism of the Catholic Church: 409

Thus, we know and are made aware of the fact that when it all comes down to it, this life is a battle between good and evil. The Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI, in a 2005 letter to the clergy, praised Pope John Paul II's ability to make real to all the notion that evil was not only around us, but organized, into a system. Scripture itself tells us over and over again: Satan has plans, and because they will be foiled, he is doing what he can to enjoy the time he has been given.

Matthew 8:29 And they cried out, saying, "What business do we have with each other, Son of God? Have You come here to torment us before the time?"

Some people, myself included, are painfully aware of the battle raging over each of our heads-- over our buildings, our pieces of land, our homes, our schools, our nations, our children, our co-humans. I say "painfully" aware because this awareness causes two things:

First, supernatural faith.

Because God has equipped us to SEE the evil and the good, He has graced us with the necessary "training" to know what to do about it. This results in radical faith that is often painful because we face humiliation, scoffing, even accusations of poor mental health. :) We struggle to live as soldiers in the battle, but everyone around us acts like we're at a party with nothing to worry about. Those of us who have seen the face of evil know that evil never rests. And like the soldier who keeps watch in the night because he knows that a terrorist is seeking ANY opportunity to catch him unawares, we keep watch.

The second is supernatural intervention. For Charismatics and Mystics, visions, prophetic words, signs, wonders, and other spiritual manifestations of the reality of God and the devil are a relatively common experience. We joke around here that I see God in my microwave-- that the reality of what I BELIEVE is so strong that I cannot differentiate between "real life" and "life in Christ." I can never "lay aside" my belief in God, because it is all too real.

In other words, some persons walking around on this planet are walking examples of the actual reality of the spiritual realm, whether they are willing participants or not.

The paranormal world includes everything from the glory of a Eucharistic Miracles or an Apparition of the Blessed Virgin to the darker side of demonic infestation and possession. And unfortunately, it is the darker side which has forever fascinated people (Imagine that!)

Most paranormal "experts" (the majority of whom are not Christians but spiritualists, and whose ranks are joined by many deceived persons who believe themselves to BE Christians) are of the same opinion about what we call "Ghosts."

They classify hauntings into two categories: Residual (non-interactive) and Interactive, and sub-categorize into human and inhuman haunts. They recognize, even the non-Christians, that some entities are simply so negative that they can only be an in-human spirit. They believe that the spirits that are earthbound are "not at rest" for varying reasons, mostly involving either not KNOWING they are dead, not WANTING to be dead, or being attached or connected to an object or person. There are any number of common factors---- including ritual, burial grounds, or other types of activities or situations which "connect" the spirit beings to the body-bound beings and anchor them.

The two major TV shows which follow these theories from different angles and form the opinions of millions of TV Viewers, molding them into what I call "Armchair experts" seek to popularize the study of the paranormal, which is a mysterious and fascinating field. Thus, across america, as people allow TV to educate them rather than the Word of God, which stands forever, we experience more and more paranormal activity---- we seek it out and put it into motion by our actions.

The reason for this is that there IS, in fact, a paranormal reality. But what we are being spoonfed in pop culture books and TV is NOT the "truth" about the paranormal, and any paranormal education that doesn't begin, stay, and finish firmly rooted in the Bible and Church tradition will be completely and totally false. When it comes to the paranormal-- false can be very dangerous.

And that's where people like me come in. For several years now, I've been meeting with people on an individual and sometimes group basis, helping them deal with a paranormal situation which they feel has gotten out of hand. And time and time again, they got there using perfectly normal and acceptable "techniques," totally unaware that they were actually aggravating a demonic situation rather than turning to God for deliverance. It is my job to "educate" people, particularly Christians, about the paranormal. I do it because if no one would have taught me these things, I would be in hell right now-- and I would have gotten myself there.

Ghost Hunters, which follows the adventures of the Atlantic Paranormal Society, is on the Sci Fi Channel. Ghost Hunters is by far the more popular choice, and is a show which I highly recommend for those interested in the paranormal. Although I do not agree with the VIEWS of the TAPS team, I find that they operate like most of the paranormal teams I have come to respect and appreciate. They take a scientific approach, they remain level headed and go to any lengths to debunk, and they document, investigate, and analyze the evidence thoroughly and consistently. In fact, their level of excellence in paranormal investigation has raised the bar completely here in the United States, and I am encouraged to see them doing a good job of helping others to SEE (and verify) that there is "something" going on that we often can sense, but not see.

My husband and I make GH our date night. There is nothing more enjoyable for us than to follow along on the investigations of some of the places I've dreamed of going, and then at the end to shout at the screen when we think they are doing something that will aggravate the haunting or mislead the client.
Taken with this notion in mind: That TAPS are not Christians and do NOT have a Christian worldview of the paranormal, and watching it only from the viewpoint of "proving" the existence of a paranormal reality, we highly recommend this show. I've had the opportunity to work IRL with members of the TAPS family and have always found them to be professional, thorough, and well trained.

Then there is Paranormal State. The Penn State Paranormal Research Society is a HUGE hit, particularly with the teenage crowd, who love and relate to the crew and don't know much about the paranormal. The members of PRS are far more approachable and far less jaded-- they are still gaining the years and years of experience that the TAPS team has built. Like Jason and Grant from TAPS, Ryan Buell started the society when he reached a point in his life when he was totally preoccupied with trying to UNDERSTAND some of the paranormal events he had experienced that had terrified him. PRS takes a more "touchy feely" approach, frequently forsaking hard scientific evidence for mediumship, seance-type settings, and even even occult practices. Although Ryan and the team have been used as consultants on everything from police cases to Church determinations of the need for exorcisms, they are missing three key elements of a career in the paranormal: Caution, Humility and Experience.

Although many of the PRS members are actually Catholic, they frequently employ methods condemned by the Church to communicate with, "feel out" and even banish the entities they come into contact with. I know a person who's name I cannot repeat here who works with the International Assocation of Catholic Exorcists, an organization approved in Rome. He was once called for assistance in a PRS case and had a very bad experience, being made painfully aware of the inexperienced mistakes that the PRS team made over and over again.
Although some of the cases PRS takes on are legitimate, others are the result of very inconclusive research. Ryan employs psychics and mediums whose gifts are questionable-- not in the sense that they don't have a gift, they obviously do, but in the sense that the SOURCE of those gifts (Godly or demonic) is questionable.

Chip Coffey, the psychic he uses most frequently, is an amazing and interesting fellow. I get the sense that he genuinely loves God and that his gift is from God, but I also see how he has been tempted to use it in ways that are not approvable (for instance, he makes a living doing psychic readings, charging hundreds of dollars for helping people communicate with their dead. This is a condemned practice, scripturally.) It is my personal opinion that although I do believe that the Lord gave him a very specific, very beautiful gift-- to be able to help others learn to pray for those souls who need prayer and to be able to discern a demonic entity's presence, he has, in a sense, opened himself up TOO much, and allowed Satan to overtake this gift and use it for something other than the glory of God.
Other psychics he has used have been of VERY questionable moral fiber.

The Church approves the use of sensitives to assist in demonic cases. Sensitives are people who, like me, are able to "tune into" the surrounding spiritual reality and detect information about what God or Satan are doing in a situation. More specifically, sensitives are keenly aware of a presence that is "not right" and specific information about that presence.
The line between a psychic and a sensitive is very thin, but very solid. A "psychic" will often foretell future information. While a charismatic is able to prophecy by the Spirit of God, a demonic Spirit is also able to provide information about future events, and so using this gift to foretell future events for personal use is condemned. A psychic recieves personal information about a person. Again, both God AND Satan are able to do this, so it requires caution to accept the information given. A psychic frequently uses his/ her gifts to make a living, charging large amounts of money to foretell the future, to connect people with the spirits of their dead loved ones, and to tell thrill seeking people intimate information about themselves. A sensitive, while "aware" of his/her gifts, is not inclined to use them for personal use, but rather for the aid of others. A sensitive will not charge and will not step outside the boundaries of what would be considered a condemned "occult" practice.

In other words, a sensitive has a legitimate psychic gift, given by the Spirit of God, to read souls or situations,for the purpose of advancing the kingdom, whereas what is commonly called a psychic has a gift which either comes from an demonstrably demonic source, or which comes from God but has been exploited by Satan and fleshly temptations to frequently employ for a non kingdom-advancing purpose.

MANY persons who exhibited strong psychic tendencies, once they have been exorcised, no longer exhibit any psychic tendencies whatsoever. the question then, to ask yourself, is "How attached to this gift am I?" A solid Christian response is to love the giver, and not the gift.

Ryann also employs a self-proclaimed Wiccan as an "occult specialist." In older episodes, he often allowed her to attempt to banish an entity at the request of the client by using occult methodology. In religious demonology, we know well that this results in furthering and increasing the demonic activity in the area--- while it may appear to stop for a while, it will return with a vengeance. Thus, I (and the Church) WHOLLY disagree with the employment of ANY occult techniques for any reason. Furthermore, there have been cases where Ryan chose to specifically keep from a Christian client the fact that he was allowing a Wiccan Witch to assist them, a fact that would infuriate me, had I been the client at the time.

Lastly, there is the famous case of Shannon Sylvia. Shannon, who at one point worked for TAPS, was seen as a client on Paranormal State, which immediately raises some questions. Why would a paranormal investigator who appears on TV call another paranormal investigator who appears on TV for help? In Ryan's Blog, he addresses the issue by saying that this particular instance was when Shannon Sylvia decided to make her way into TAPS and become a paranormal investigator herself. TAPS has never correlated the story, and Shannon no longer works for TAPS, although she frequently does podcasts about her involvement with TAPS in the paranormal and now works with her own group, NEP. So, hmmm.

Personally, I believe that Ryan has the right idea, but lacks the experience and spiritual maturity to fully grasp what is going on around him. Those demonic haunts that he has dealt with and recognized have been compelling visual examples of the types of things I've seen IRL and are, I believe, not scripted. A perfect example is the episode "I am Six," which made waves around the Christian paranormal world because it dealt with the possession and torment of a young woman in a very percievable, realistic way. That being said, Ryan frequently choses an episcopalian priest over a Catholic priest for an exorcism because he is not able to provide the signs of possession required by the Catholic Church for a Bishop to allow the Rite of Exorcism. Ryan is also, because of his inexperience, under persistant and constant spiritual attack. He recognizes it as such but feel powerless to battle it, and this is because he has not been spiritually equipped for the warfare he is stepping into, all the while convincing himself he is "Armored up."

He borders on the superstitious at all times with his involvement withe demonic entities, and, quite frankly, is not as cautious as he needs to be with what he considers to be a "mundane" haunting and which, in my experience, is a demonic haunt in disguise.

From Wikipedia:

As of January 3, 2008, Ryan Buell claims the demonic entity is no longer following him, but Chip Coffey is. In a Q&A section of the Penn State Paranormal Research Society's forums, he responded to a question on the topic by stating, "I haven't been troubled by any bunnies [the PRS calls demons "bunnies"] as of late. There came a point in my life where I let go of some of that baggage. When it comes to that whole side, there's a back story that involves my group dealing with a case three years ago. I kind of reached a resolution with that. Coincidentally, the bunny tried to make another cameo appearance when we were filming the final investigation of the season, but we just told it to go to you-know-where. I hope it makes the cut!"[21]

The demon following was later revealed to be Belial.

This isn't Constantine. Real world Demons are far craftier than that,unrelenting, and anyone who knows and has had experience with them knows how well they know us and how easily we are duped and just how real the dangers are.

The last show I will discuss is on The Discovery Channel and is called "A Haunting." It is the least popular and yet the most thorough. It covers true ghost stories from across the United States, providing somewhat cheesy but definitely creepy re-enactments. I LOVE "A Haunting" because it doesn't fill itself with theories and ideas about the paranormal, it simply presents the facts as they exist in the story and allows the viewer to come to his / her own conclusions.

A perfect example is The story of the Sallie House, one of my favorite demonic haunts.

In this episode, the re-enactment is the story of the young couple who first moved into the Sallie house and discovered that there was ghost living there, allegedly a young girl named Sally. The couple make peace with the idea of living with a ghost and do what they can to welcome this sweet little child's spirit, and soon realize they are actually dealing with a very deceptive demonic haunt, flee, and leave the home abandoned. To this day, the Sallie House is one of the most interesting "haunted houses" across America, riddled with demonic activity, and the kind of place that makes a great and classic example for the ACTUAL Christian worldview of the paranormal, which is that "spirits" which DO, in fact, exist (and we are so easily fooled because we want to believe) are 90% demonic entities seeking an entry way into human life/existence for the purpose of torment and 10% souls in purgatory in need of prayer. But OH, how easily we are fooled.

Those actual, human souls which God allows us to see (such as the man who asked St Padre Pio for prayer for release from purgatory) are usually shown to us with an express message to PRAY. When we do not get this message, but are simply being drawn to communicate with this allegedly dead human person, it is crucial to remember that no matter how compelling the evidence may be that we are, in fact, dealing with a HUMAN soul, demons are as tricky as can be and have been around a very long time-- long enough to know how to imitate voices, access personal information, and fool us into thinking that they are perfectly harmless disembodied people.

You can go to the Sallie House's website here: http://www.thesalliehouse.com/ and get more information about this fascinating paranormal case.

As for me, I recommend that if you have an interest in the paranormal (and many of us do) you seek out a REAL education by studying scripture, the teachings of the Church, and the stories of the Saints who have gone before you. Grounded in that, you will never doubt, nor be deceived, nor succumb to the lies of the Enemy, who seeks to destroy your soul.

If these shows are causing you to seek out, participate in, or otherwise partner with evil, I would say it's time to turn off the TV and pick up your bible. If these shows are helping you to come to terms with the REALITY of evil that exists, then by all means, watch away. But don't let a Paranormal research Society composed of college students, Wiccans, Reiki Masters, etc be your authority. let God be your authority. Always.

And if nothing else, let these shows remind you to pray for the souls of the faithful departed:

Requiem aeternam dona ei, Domine, et lux perpetua luceat ei. Requiescat in pace. Amen
(Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.)

Hidden

2009-03-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

A man named Rob from the R&P wrote a really interesting thread in which he described his experience of watching the Disney movie "Hunchback of Notre Dame." As a protestant, he was basically horrified when he watched the film with "adult" eyes, noticing that there was a good deal of attention paid to Mary throughout the film. He was disturbed in particular by a statue of Mary wearing a crown and holding a sword, presenting the infant Jesus to the people. We demonstrated the biblical nature of the scene the statue depicted (Rev 12:1 and 11:15-19) but also reminded him that he was bothered by the presentation of Christ as an infant because for Him, it was MORE important that Christ be depicted as powerful, glorious... GOD, not powerful, glorious God hidden in the Christ child.

This set me thinking twice as hard about today's reading in Divine Intimacy, my book of Carmelite spiritual direction. You can read today's reading at this link. (http://www.catholic-pages.com/prayers/116.asp) The reading today was titled "To be hidden with Christ in God," and centered around the idea of hiding ourselves away from what the world would call "glory" to find ourselves, little, nothing, empty, and IN the heart of God.

A friend of mine had read the meditation and was completely opposed to everything she had read. She disagreed so strongly with it that she was surprised that I liked it, and wanted me to read it through and discuss it with her. So, here are some of my thoughts on the hiddenness of God.

The reason the statues of Mary holding the infant Jesus bother people like Rob is because He cannot visually SEE the glory of God in the statue. He feels it somehow belittles God, or makes of God less than He is. But for me, that statue is more humbling than any depiction that portrays God as powerful, earth-shattering, glorious and overwhelming. Why?

Part of it is because I KNOW who God is. When I look at that infant Jesus, I am totally humbled by His own humility. By His hiddenness. As a Catholic, I think I have a healthier sense of God's actual humility now than I did as a protestant. While I was always being taught about the glory and majesty of God, I very rarely was presented with food for thought on the hiddenness and UTTER humiliation of God.
In fact, for Catholics, it's much easier to appreciate God's hiddenness because we have the Eucharist. What greater sign of God's incredible love for us than His willingness to submit to coming to us in a piece of bread and a cup of wine? When we sit at adoration (when we gaze upon the Lord in the Eucharist in what we call a "monstrance" --- a large, metal object created to display the Eucharist--- I know I am thinking of His incredible humility and His willingness to be WITH us at all costs. I've said before that Catholics seem to understand the incarnation better because of the Eucharist, but more than that, I think the Eucharist is such a sign to us to remind us of the need for unity in Him and not in the "things of this World." If God can come to me as a little baby, as a piece of bread, then how do I know I will not encounter Him in everything I see and touch and taste? St Therese called the Lord in the Eucharist the "Prisoner of Love."

More importantly, this humiliation that he endures in no way REMOVES His glory-- it only amplifies it. The meditation in Divine Intimacy talks of this:

The practice of the hidden life has, therefore, two aspects: the first, negative and mostly exterior, consists in hiding ourselves from the eyes of others and even from our own and in dying to glory and worldly honours. The second, which is positive and entirely interior, consists in concentrating on God in a life of intimate relations with Him. The first aspect is the condition and measure of the second: the more a soul is able to hide from creatures, and even from itself, the more capable it will be of living "with Christ in God", according to the beautiful expression of St Paul: "You are dead: and your life is hidden with Christ in God" (Col 3,3).

You see, the point of this life is not, as I thought when I was a protestant, to simply get into heaven. Nor is it to only serve God. What God wants from us, what He created us for, is UNION with Him-- a blessed marriage feast in which we delight in each other and share in the love relationship of the Blessed Trinity. (those who have read the book THE SHACK saw a beautiful depiction of this relationship that should help you in seeing the "big picture" God has prepared.)
The purpose of the Carmelite walk has always been to achieve that perfect Union with Him, and the author of the Divine Intimacy, Fr Gabriel of Mary Magdalen, OCD, was an eagerly sought after spiritual director. He knew that before we could have lofty dreams of Glory in the Lord, we must have dreams of being virtually erased from sight and even from our own affections, so that in that disappearance we would be freed to enjoy God completely and to make His will our own. We will truly have mortified the flesh. Thus, when he (by the countless other Carmelite saints who offer the same advice) suggests serving in silence, quietly giving to those who don't deserve it, disappearing into the sea of faces, becoming invisible and unknown.... Thus the soul

(...) no longer wastes its energy looking for esteem or human satisfactions; from this point of view creatures have become as nothing to it. It can say that "created things, its own as well as others', no longer give it the least worry or trouble; it is just as if they did not exist" (T.M Sp). Thus the soul arrives at that sovereign liberty of spirit which permits it to concentrate itself wholly upon God. Exteriorly its conduct shows nothing extraordinary, or rather, the very care it takes to hide from the eyes of others makes it very often go unnoticed, and most people consider it a soul of little worth. But in its secret heart a very rich interior life, known only to God, is developing.

THIS is the example of Christ. This is what Christ did. He was God, but He lived as a man. He obeyed his earthly parents. He allowed himself to be tortured and killed. He was utterly humiliated, and yet during the course of this life, He was living out an amazing love story with his People and with the other members of the Holy Trinity.

Carmelites have had this wisdom since the beginning, it is as ingrained in Carmelite Spirituality as the Scapular which represents this contemplative life. And it is no wonder, then, that the Blessed Virgin Mary, the one who gave us both Carmelite spirituality AND the Carmelite Order, is the one who is so bothering our dear friend Rob in this R&P thread. She presents Christ to us in the way that she knows will perfect us and bring us to the fastest holiness.

This hidden quality of God which He asks us to imitate is a far cry from the TBN preachers and megachurch-with-superstar-senior-pastor syndromes of today. This hidden quality is what St John of the Cross was telling me two days ago when I was seeking direction for a few things that were going on in my life. The irony is that this hidden quality is about as contrary to my human nature as it gets-- I admit that I love recognition and one of the hardest things for me is to feel like I'm not "successful" in the eyes of the world. And yet:

Exteriorly its conduct shows nothing extraordinary, or rather, the very care it takes to hide from the eyes of others makes it very often go unnoticed, and most people consider it a soul of little worth.

Hopefully, this is why God has called me to Carmel. And as for Rob and his frustration, I am thankful-- so thankful-- that God has shown me why there is something absolutely breathtaking about a statue that depicts my Jesus as a child.

The pope on condoms....

2009-03-18T10:40:00.000-07:00

It appears that a new "pope" scandal has hit the newsstands (or is it that the media has created a new pope scandal? I always get so confused these days. :P)

Anyhoo, I came across this story, about the Holy Father's visit to Africa, where, of course, he was bombarded by questions about the AIDS epidemic.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090317/ap_on_re_af/af_pope_africa

The first thing that struck me in the reactions to this "news" story (and I say that almost in jest--- there is nothing "new" about the pope's stance on the use of condoms) was the flabbergasted response of the masses. "How dare he?" And "how could he?" seemed to be the first questions most people asked. And yet, for more than 2000 years the same Church has been preaching the same things about abstinence and self control. the AIDS epidemic is a direct result of immorality. At it's origins, it was a disease transmitted sexually that literally grew to kill thousands and thousands of people, most of whom initially passed it on through homosexual sex. Now, it has become a disease transmitted by hetero and homosexual sex, by needles, by exposure to blood, etc. In other words, it has evolved into something truly terrifying. Anyways, the Church's position is that if we live a moral life we will avoid many of these types of plagues--- the world will be a better place. We probably wont annihilate AIDS altogether but we will certainly gain some type of control over it and give ourselves some headstart over it. AIDS is not like cancer, if we avoid certain things we can completely avoid exposing ourselves to it. It's really not that complicated.

I have a friend who reminds me often that the definition of Insanity is to perpetually do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. This is what the news media seems to do with the catholic Church these days-- - they poke and they prod and they ask ... "Come on, aren't you getting with the times YET?" and we just sit back and watch them and say, in the immortal words of Eddie Izzard.... "What ARE you doing?"

You see the faith is the faith is the faith. It doesn't suddenly change just because things get harder or easier. It is what it is. And for people to expect that just because this is the new century with new, more serious problems, etc, we are going to just drop our frame of reference for everything we do and start from scratch with new ideas--- that's ridiculous.

"The grass withers, the flower fades: but the word of our God shall stand forever" (Isaiah 40:8).

The funniest quote from this article came from here:

Rebecca Hodes with the Treatment Action Campaign in South Africa said if the pope is serious about preventing HIV infections, he should focus on promoting wide access to condoms and spreading information on how to use them.

"Instead, his opposition to condoms conveys that religious dogma is more important to him than the lives of Africans," said Hodes, head of policy, communication and research for the group.

Now THAT is funny to me. What do the people expect the Holy Father to do? He himself will tell you his strategy, which is as follows:

"The saving message of the Gospel needs to be proclaimed loud and clear so that the light of Christ can shine into the darkness of people's lives," Benedict said as the president and other political leaders looked on.

That is the thing which people keep missing. He is the pope. Not a social worker, not a humanitarian aid provider, not a psychologist, a doctor, or a philosopher. He may ALSO be those things, but his main function is to guide the Christian Church towards holiness, and he does so by promoting morality, ethics, and justice IN LIGHT OF THE GOSPEL. The Gospel is the only thing that will save the people dying from aids in Africa. The Gospel is the only hope of salvation for any of us.

With Christ, even a hopeless child with AIDS is suddenly a beacon of hope, faith, and love. Christ is the answer to every problem. Following Christ prevents rape, poor judgement, sexual immorality, forgetfullness and a lack of diligence in the workplace, drug use, and all of the other causes of the transmission of the AIDS virus. It is in Christ alone that the answer to AIDS is found. Benedict knows that, and he said today the same thing the Church has always said, and which Melinda reminded us a couple weeks back on Ghost Whisperer: "HOLD OUT FOR EVERYTHING."

People need to remember that Christianity is not a humanitarian effort. Although we are called to serve the needy, sick and poor, we certainly are not called to do so without letting them know where they can go to find healing and wholeness. The only road that leads out of poverty, crime, war, disease and AIDS in Africa is the road to heaven, and as the direct descendant of the one who holds Keys to Heaven, the pope is only doing His best to make sure everyone is on the right path.

I like this pope more and more each day.

St John of the Cross-- on community

2009-03-18T04:18:00.000-07:00

I watched a movie last night on St John of the Cross (by the same title, from IGS publications)
It was one of those movies on the saints you have to sort of convince yourself to watch, but after you get over the idea of seeing it as a film (and I can thank Annie for this perfect explanation of some of these Catholic films) it becomes.... amazing.Because you get wrapped up in the life of the Saint you are following, and not because your are wowed cinematographically.

Obviously, John of the Cross had an amazing life, but he was one. of those Carmelite saints it was hard for me to crack open. Possibly i related to him less because he was a man, but also because he really and truly lived day in and day out in a tender suffering that I am not ready to embrace.

Being an aspirant with the Discalced Carmelites, I knew he was amazing and I would love him, but for whatever reason, it took me a bit of a push to get into his works and ideas. This film helped me to do that, and now I am thirsting for more.

It spoke VOLUMES to me about my Carmelite walk and my walk as a wife and mother in a community. God has been dealing with me a lot on the issue of hope lately, and certainly most of St John's life was about retaining the virtue of hope in a world that was seemingly very dark.

More importantly, it was in the spiritual direction that he gave the nuns that I found guidance for my place in the community. Perpetual dissatisfaction is the name of the game with me, because I find a community I love and then I find fault-- both in myself as I relate to it and in the community itself, and then it drives me bananas. I'm at that stage in my Parish right now. The first step, obviously, is to follow my personal motto and "be the change I want to see in the world."
If I want people to leave mass quietly so as to retain a prayerful atmosphere as they should, then I must take care to do so also. If I want people to be reverent from the moment they set foot in the church, then I must do so as well. But more than that, I have to learn to deal with situations that arise in a community: when I don't like the way someone did or does something, or when I get frustrated with a person's bad habits and things like that. More importantly, I think, when another person's unfolding drama seems to take over your life. This happens all around me, and it certainly happens to me-- for some reason it so happens that other people's "stuff," as my old dance teacher would say, gets in the way of my own ability to enjoy life.

For that, John of the Cross had the most marvelous advice. It was glorious to hear, but also stung quite a bit. First, because it involved detachment of my emotions, and encouraged me to simply BE and not BE IMPLICATED or involved, but also because it encouraged me to take some responsibility myself: not just to pray for them but also to LOVE them. Which sounds easy enough, but in application is hard to figure out. By watching his life unfold, it was lightening hit me and I just GOT it. He said:

“It is great wisdom to know how to be silent and to look at neither the remarks, nor the deeds, nor the lives of others.”

and also:

"where there is no love, put love, and there you will find love."

Taken together, these two quotes show the perfect harmony that detachment from the world and prayer create---- and basically perfectly lay out what speaks to me so deeply in Carmelite spirituality: Love.

I guess this pretty much sums up his philosophy:

“Abide in peace, banish cares, take no account of all that happens, and you will serve God according to his good pleasure and rest in him.”

St John of the Cross, pray for me.

Just when you think....

2009-03-17T04:41:00.001-07:00

It seems like every time I get majorly discouraged, God does something totally amazing to blow me away. I woke up this morning pretty blue--- I miss my husband already, I had bad morning sickness and I was tired, and I was running out of places to look for a job for him and still couldn't understand why the army wasn't working out for us.

As I was praying my rosary, I spent a couple of minutes in prayer asking God to let me know he was there and working, because I was in need of hope. It wasn't but a few seconds later that my two year old daughter and one year old son start laughing and giggling and pointing to the corner of my living room.
"Look mommy!" My daughter laughed. "It's an angel!"
I sucked in my breath and crossed myself.
"Mommy! He's saying hi to me." It lasted only a few minutes, and then they calmed down and went back to their breakfast as usual. I could hardly contain the tears.

Isn't it incredible when you ask God to show up and He does?

Ehrman, death plagues, and some other things

2009-03-16T18:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the long silences! I caught this death plague at church that threw me for a three week loop and I felt AWFUL. Add to the mix a rough pregnancy, a stye in my eye (yes, it's a cute rhyme, no, there's nothing cute about a stye) and taking care of the kids, stir in my hopeless disappointment that the doors to the US military have once again been slammed shut before us since we finally got word that they said no, and then add a dash of depression and anxiety over having to move (possibly) and you'll get a small, blurry picture of where I was at.

Bottom line? Been really, truly busy trying to recover. And I don't think I'm done yet-- I'm in one of those seasons where things just seem to be bumpy and rough. There have been good things too.... little graces and consolations here and there.

One of the things I've found to entertain myself has been looking into this guy Bart Ehrman, who everyone seems to think is some kind of spectacular scholar. Basically, the guy is a pseudo-intellectual hotshot who makes a living deconstructing everything you (the Christian reader) and I know about Christ. For God knows what reason, he seems to be uber popular with the soph college set-- you know the ones, the kids who never examined their own belief systems in their lives, take a Philosophy 101 course in their liberal arts college, and suddenly wind up "Experts" on the "real Jesus."

Anyways, I was so flipping sick of hearing about him I decided to look into some of his work myself (which I rarely do with people who annoy me this much.)

Anyways, here's a quote from one of his books.

“What I want to show is that because of the very nature of the historical disciplines, historians cannot show whether or not miracles every happened. Anyone who disagrees with me–who thinks historians can demonstrate that miracles happen–needs to be even-handed about it, across the board. IN Jesus’ day there were lots of people who allegedly performed miracles. There were Jewish holy men such as Hanina ben Dosa and Honi the circle drawer. There were pagan holy men such as Apollonius of Tyana, a philosopher who could allegedly heal the sick, cast out demons, and raise the dead. He was allegedly supernaturally born and at the end of his life he allegedly ascended to heaven. Sound familiar? There were pagan demigods, such as Hercules, who could also bring back the dead. Anyone willing to believe in the miracles of Jesus needs to concede the possibility of other people performing miracles, in Jesus’ day and in all eras down to the present day and in other religions such as Islam and indigenous religions of Africa and Asia,” Jesus Interrupted (HarperOne 2009), 172.

As many others have noted, the funniest thing about this is how impressed with his own argument he seems to be. What a dullard. Had he actually learned ANYTHING about Christianity, he would know that a) of course we know that other people besides Jesus performed miracles (hello? Moses? Elijah? Paul?? etc) and that b) Dude, ever heard of demons? Demons have always enabled people to perform miracles and imitate God's miracles. One need look no further than Pharaoh's magicians to discover a plethora of examples of demonic "magic" that appeared "miraculous."

Also, APPOLLONIUS??? SERIOUSLY??? Ehrman is no moron (I hear) so he knows that his biography was written after Jesus Christ and is obviously an imitation of Christ. he's just hoping we wont catch it, I guess.

Anyways, the guy is super slick, probably riddled with demons himself, and clearly abusing his right to call himself an "intellectual," and yet it would seem that hundreds of people are devoted to his writings and clinging to them as if they were God's Word. Hundreds of people who, incidentally, appear unwilling to let the ACTUAL Word of God change them.

Sometimes, I shudder at the darkness that surrounds us.

Confirmed....

2009-03-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

So, while all this "change" has been rumbling through me, one thing I did do was ask God to confirm in me my writing/editing abilities--- to, if it's his will that I seek to pursue that over these other things-- ensure that it was, indeed, His Holy Will and best for me.

When Peter and I were watching "The Devil Wears Prada" last night (yes, I got him to watch a chick flick. I have no idea how it happened, it was actually his idea!)a couple things kept running through my mind.
The first was how much I missed living in the city. I never watch movies anymore (seriously! It's been over a year!) but when I do see a typical "city scene" I realize that for all my fantasizing about the easy life in the Country, I was born for the city and it's something I really MISS! The second thing was that... as I said earlier, I was supposed to be writing.

I remember my first journalism class. It was an accident-- I was taking it because I REALLY didn't want to take this other lit class. I walked in and sat down and kinda laughed at the people around me. None of them seemed like the types of people I'd be likely to hang out or connect with. The teacher came in and started talking about journalism, and I was kinda like... yeah yeah yeah. I had always imagined I'd be a novelist or something. Never a journalist.
Then we had our first writing assignment and I realized that journalism was about tight writing--- it was about removing everything "wordy" and "flowery" and "poetic" and just laying out the facts in a manner that was straight-forward and clean-cut. At first, I hated it. I took personal offense at the editing jobs my teacher did.

But when I turned in my first assignment and she returned it to me with a big beautiful "A" and a note to stick around and talk to her in her office. In her office, she suggested that I join the college paper, and something about it seemed like a good idea. I did, and it was like, all of a sudden, all I could think about was the news. It was the first time I ever felt like I actually FIT somewhere, effortlessly, and the first time I felt like I was good at something without having to work like crazy. I was just good at it, and I liked it. I was so proud and happy walking around with my little reporter's notebook and sharp pencils, catching everything. I LOVED to sit in on council meetings. I was amazed at every little issue that came up.

Years later, as I sit here, I can still conjure up that excitement. It's one of the reasons that the movie we were watching was so compelling. It made me think of a certain friend of mine, a girl we'll call Ms. Fabulous.
When I was editor in chief of the paper, she worked for me. I remember her first day-- she told us she was sure that she could be a great journalist because she had taken numerous english courses and her last english prof had had her write 70 page papers every other week! We laughed because we knew that to be a good journalist, you had to write tight and short. She was adorable, beautiful, and totally enthusiastic. She was fabulous! Combine that with the fact that she was a good little Christian girl and I had "just been saved," and we became fast friends.

Over the course of our time together, she grew to be a fast, efficient, and powerful go-getter with gloriously REAL writing skills. It was no surprise to me when she got a job at CBS' "60 minutes" and jetted off to New York. I was so proud of her-- and more than a little jealous. I had long since chosen my own path-- settling into married life here in Fayettenam after a failed start in the US Army with an unexpected pregnancy in the works. (An Army which I had joined partially to get the combat field experience necessary to make me a good candidate for a middle eastern correspondant position.)

From then on, as I grew increasingly dissatisfied and finally became resigned to my "new life," I periodically heard fabulous tales of travel, excitement and adventure from Ms. Fabulous, and though I was thrilled for her, my heart always gave a little tug. That could be me if I had made better choices!

As we watched The Devil Wears Prada, my thoughts turned to her life and dreams and I pondered what being in her shoes would actually be like.... giving into the feeling that somehow she had totally succeeded where I had failed and that in her successes was a glory I would never know. I was jealous!

The feeling stuck with me through most of the next day--fanning into a lunch date with a friend in which I griped about the changes I needed to make and the frustration I was experiencing with my life.

So imagine my surprise (and the tears that sprang forth!) when I checked my email upon returning and found an email resting in my inbox from Ms Fabulous herself! I rarely hear from her other than a passing hug and kiss on myspace or facebook these days, so this was NOT a common occurence. And in the email, she asked me if I could please edit a job request letter she was sending out for a company she really wanted to get her foot into, citing:
"but just would loooove your fabulous editorial skills to spice it up and make sure I'm not leaving anything out/saying too much..."

Was I touched that she thought of me? Absolutely. But more importantly, I felt so confirmed--- it was as if God Himself had sent me an email that read: " I made you a writer. This is what you're good at. And I'm not afraid to use the one person who you admire most to let you know."

She probably has no idea how much that meant to me. And I probably did a terrible job of editing her letter, although I gave it everything I had to offer on such short notice and with all my "evening" sickness. The last time I edited anything it was a letter to gripe at my pastor about something, and the only thing I wrote this week was block letters to teach my kids how to spell their names. The exercise was also painful because it reminded me of how amazing her life is and how my own letter would pale in comparison.

But even so, for just a minute, I felt revived-- like God had breathed afresh into my life that even though there are no second chances, He can always make good those places where we are faced with a vacuous void of nothing... And He can always fill us when that emptiness threatens to cave in our hearts.

Will I ever BE that journalist I dreamed of... reporting on the Iraqi war in knee high pink uggboots and a camo miniskirt, asking the tough questions to all the key players? No. No way.

But just for a second there--- I got a glimmer of hope.

Cocooning.

2009-03-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of time to reflect this week. The entire house caught this violent 24 hour stomach flu that really threw us all for the loop, and since I'm expecting again, I suffered some pretty serious exhaustion and had to put myself on bedrest, at least until I feel better. Medically speaking, I nearly always get stuck on bedrest, but since I am still not able to see an OB, I wont know much of anything (not even how far along I really am!) without a little waiting time...and don't want to take any risks.

So. Because it's lent and because this last week made me realize that I am actually not superwoman, I've had to come to terms with a few things.
the first is that I have too much on my plate-- and that I need to re-arrange some priorities in order to do the best thing I can for my own health and sanity. How did this all come about? Well, I think it was an interesting mix: emotional breakdown from the sick weekend (too much) combined with watching The Devil Wears Prada with the Hubby (which reminded us both of our goals not being accomplished)combined with sleep depravation combined with pregnancy hormones combined with....well, lent.

So, first things first.

I'm no longer going to be doing consultations. I'm not going to meet with people, I'm not going to take middle of the night phone calls, and I'm not going to take middle of the day phone calls. I'm done doing consultations. It's not because I don't love it, and it's not because I don't think that God is using me in this ministry, but rather because I am getting ahead of myself and taking on FAR more than what I am able to handle. I plan on keeping a website with as much information as possible on there, and hopefully finishing my book, which will be a good resource. Other than that, I'm DONE with that part of my life right now.

I'm also no longer selling travel. I'm not going to do ANY travel selling anymore, no pilgrimmages, no cruises, no flights, nothing. Done. It's not profitable enough to make it worth the time it takes to do it all, and my commissions are just totally pathetic.

I'm not going to be doing medjugorje information stuff anymore, I'm not going to be spending any more time on the internet spreading the news about Medjugorje. I still love it, but I'm just not able to do it anymore.

That should take some of the bulk off. THEN, there are a couple of things I AM going to do. I AM going to finish my doula training. I'm not going to have a doula business, but I want to be able to doula when a doula is needed, and it can definitely help make ends meet.

When I'm done with that, I AM going to work on finishing my book. Because honestly, I was put on this planet to write, and anyone who knew me growing up knows that. WHY I am not doing it is something that remains to be seen.
It's going to take a bit of work to transition from doing these things regularly to not at all. It's going to take a lot of effort on my part to be strict and serious about these changes.

The end result, I hope, is that instead of sitting here watching the years pass me by, I can feel relatively productive. I wont have to stress about getting anything done but the house clean and the kids happy and the food good and I think when you have more than one kid on your plate, especially when they are all so young and you don't have a husband who participates all that much in the household stuff, that honestly, you have to pick your battles.

Not a day goes by that I don't get bummed that I'm slightly overweight and not writing and still living in Fayetteville, not progressing towards anything. However, not a day goes by that I do anything about it because I'm so caught up in all this other craziness.
With changes like these, I'm going to be FORCED, absolutely forced, to look at life how it really is.
And though I've resisted making these changes in the past because they made me feel important, I'm not going to anymore. I'm too tired not to guard myself and my life jealously.

Some questions from readers

2009-02-26T06:01:00.001-08:00

A very sweet woman wrote me recently and asked a lot of questions in one email that I frequently find myself answering individually-- and I thought it would be great (with her permission, of course) to answer them in a blog, so that I would have a place I could refer people back to with the answers. I have modified her questions a tiny bit so as not to give away her identity or too much about her personal life. Enjoy! And if readers have other questions like this, feel free to leave them in a comment so that we can continue the theme!

1. As I have said I have not done my Confirmation yet and I won't be able to start
classes until September. They run them from September till April when you get
confirmed at Easter Mass. With that said what can I do between now and then? So
far I have been reading the Catholicism for Dummies book and have been loving it.

During the period when you are either in RCIA or awaiting confirmation, there is a total temptation to want to think of yourself as somehow "half a catholic," but I would say to you that your heart is now Catholic-- the moment you accept that what the Church teaches is truth. The truth is, you ARE a Catholic, but you are forming your Catholic life-- just as those of us confirmed in the Church are doing daily!

Spiritual reading is a great place to start--- learning more about the faith every day and catching up on all the years of homilies you've missed! But one of the greatest things about BEING a Catholic is that we have the liturgical year to help us walk in the footsteps of the Church. As I write this, it is lent, and lent is the perfect place to begin to practice "being" catholic--- Follow along on websites like fisheaters or Catholic Answers, or get yourself a book (I reccomend "The Catholic Home," to help you find ways to make your family life line up with liturgical life through the practice of traditions and meaninful rituals. If you do nothing else, set up a family altar and begin to say some prayers there in the morning or at night. Read the bible with your kids. Get some catholic decorations for your home. Get involved at church somehow--- even if only to pray the rosary with the old ladies on mondays after mass.

That sense of "being" Catholic takes quite a while to build up, but once it takes, it never leaves.

2. My husband was baptized at birth Catholic, converted to Baptist as a teen, then
returned to Catholic when we married. He does not go to church and considers me to
be responsible for the kids religious upbringing. How do I see him as head of the
household when he is uninterested in going and participating in the faith. I must
say though that he knows the Bible much better than me and is a splendid man. He
just doesn't have the fervor for Catholicism as I do.

You know, lots of noncatholic women have this same question too!
The first thing I would say is that in a situation like this, it's always more productive to take responsibility for what you can and to encourage him in what little he DOES do than to nag him for what he doesn't, or even to quietly whine about it to God. You know, for now, I wouldn't worry so much about the logistics of seeing him as the head of the household as I would about simply treating him with lots of love and patience. Because your situation includes the training of children, you will find that as you pursue building a relationship with God alongside them, they will naturally draw him in. For example, my husband doesn't pray with the kids before bed 9/10 times. But lately, my daughter asks him to pray over her, and this has the effect of causing him to straighten up a bit and take this job seriously. By all means, take charge of teaching your children the faith! Do whatever you can to encourage a wholesome, happy, prayerful, beautiful, godly life in your family... but for now, simply enjoy your husband, quirks, eccentricities and all. It keeps us honest, sometimes, when our husbands are this way---- it causes us to realize that we truly NEED God. But it also helps us to remember why we love our husbands in the first place...and encourages them to grow on THEIR terms and not ours. The best advice I can give is LOVE HIM, encourage him, don't expect from him but rather see how you can give TO him, and make sure to take the children's training into your own hands in a gentle way that encourages a joyful family atmosphere. No man became a better Christian from watching a surly wife drag down her kids with her into "godliness." As Teresa of Avila said: "God save us from solemn saints!"

3. What ways can I encourage our faith into my kids? My kids are 14,11, 6, and 3.
Are there any rituals to do and practice daily with them to help them grow their own
faith?

Absolutely! Since my kids are so young ,I feel a bit awkward offering up advice, but I will say this: it's never too late to start. If you aren't currently doing much of anything, be patient with them and start off slow. Add a few things to the routine each week and gently ease into practicing a more devout life. Children resist change, but they thrive in a joyful, balanced, scheduled environment. Because of the age differences, I might consider tailoring the changes to their ages too. Like, it might be hard to get the WHOLE family to agree to say a rosary each night, but you can at least do it on Sundays or feast days and then make it fun by offering them ice cream after or something. The basic rule of life for your everyday Catholic family includes at the very least: going to mass on Sundays, praying together in the morning and evening, and possibly reading from the family bible together at dinner or something. Add prayers to your day that are short but meaningful-- bless your meals, etc. Most importantly, take on the observances of the season. Right now, since we are in lent, ask the kids to give up something and take on something that will draw them closer to God. Don't serve them meat on Fridays. Things like that. Don't be a nazi about it, but make it fun (you know, hey, we can't have meat on Fridays so we'll have pancakes!) or something like that. Over time, these things will become second nature to you AND to them, and become something they look back on with fondness.

4.You mention praying LOH. What are your children doing while you do these? On the
same note do your children sit with you during Mass or go the nursery?

I pray the LOH daily. Mornings, I get up before anyone else in the house to do it. During the day, I often pray it as I work, not really stopping, or seeking out quiet or anything like that. Evening prayer I actually pray WITH the kids (who are two and one) as they are in bed. I pray and sing and they listen. I imagine as they get older they will join me and I'll make a big thing out of giving them their OWN breviary some day to join in!

Mass: I'll admit, I dislike having my kids at mass, but that's because I'm selfish and want to enjoy God all by myself :P Ideally, my kids stay with me during mass, but I recognize that there are days (and there are PLENTY) when they are not able to sit still for varying reasons-- tired, cranky, whatever. those days, I happily put them in the nursery and we make a visit to the tabernacle after I pick them up (when mass is over.) Once they hit four, I plan on having them with me every time I come.

5. When you pray at home do you still cover your head and when will you have Annika
cover hers? at what age? Why is it that women cover their heads but not men?

I DO absolutely cover my head, but only when I'm in private, quiet prayer or when I am at mass, in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament. I used to cover my head at all times, but my husband does not like it, so I now only cover in prayer. I will teach my girls beginning at age four that they should cover their heads in prayer, but I will, of course, allow them to select a style that they like. I wrote a long blog on headcovering that will answer many of your questions here: http://stitchlove.blogspot.com/2008/11/on-headcoveringagain.html

6. How do you structure your day? I know it might seem boring to you but very
interesting and helpful to me! When do you pray? clean? workout? etc. I would love
a "day in the life of Barbie".

Whew! That's a big question, because I'm perpetually altering my schedule to make it more efficient and better. My daily schedule looks like this, but it is often altered by unexpected or expected guests, my kids' moods, my husband's moods, and anything else that gets plopped into my laugh. ultimately, my daily schedule is a guideline, but I HAVE to be flexible, because otherwise I am miserable. Also, it doesn't look in there like I have time to clean, etc.
the fact is that I do different types of cleaning on different days (one day for laundry, one for cleaning the kitchen, for the bathroom, bedrooms, etc) and I am a big fan of "clean as you go" so that there is minimal catch up work to do in the end. I really don't clean more than 1 hour each day, but it's spread out throughout the day.
That being said, it looks like this:
4:30 am Morning Prayer and Lectio Divina (bible reading)
5:30 am morning yoga
6:30 am breakfast with the kids and morning devotions as a family
7:30 am kids free time/ I get dressed
8:00 am kids dressed and room straightened (dishes done)
8:30 am leave for mass
10:00 am return, snack, and a walk if it's nice out with outdoor homeschool. Otherwise, we do indoor homeschool. Midmorning prayer
12:00 pm Lunch
12:30 ish Naptime (during which I pray noon prayer and the rosary, and then either nap or blog, straighten up etc)
3:00 pm spurt of housework and whatever needs to get done + chaplet of divine mercy
4:00 mid afternoon prayer
+ snack for the kids-- start dinner.
5:00 pm dinner + family time
7:00 pm bedtime (+ family rosary on special occasions) and LOH
7:30 dishes, then spend time with the hubby
9:00 freetime (night prayer+ evening yoga)
10:00 bed.

7. Modesty. I know you have read the Duggars and are a fan. Do you practice only
wearing skirts as they do or do you wear pants as well? Is there anything you will
no longer wear now that you are a devout Catholic?

Great question! OK, first, the pants thing. I admit that it truly rubs me the wrong way when I see women wearing power suits, pants suits, etc to be lectors, eucharistic ministers, and all that. I think that femininity is beautiful, very special, and important to retain. That being said, There are plenty of women who manage to make pants look very feminine. For me personally, I prefer to wear skirts and I prefer for my kids to wear skirts. We do all own a pair of jeans that we do wear when the occasion is right. But when it comes to dressing up-- we wear skirts. That's just us. Because of carmelites, I must wear the brown scapular every day, and so I do not wear clothes that have a VERY low neckline because people would see the scapular and think "What the heck is that thing?" However, there are some clothes I wear that have a neckline that is pretty low, and then I often pin the scapular against my underclothes so that it doesn't come out. Modesty is important to me, but I do not go the route of little house on the prairie, probably because I'm French and I do think that a woman's inherent "appeal" is a God-given gift that we needn't totally hide. I DO believe in modesty, and dress accordingly, but I try not to look frumpy or too boring. Because we don't have much money, I can't be too picky about what I wear and would probably dress very differently if I got to hand select my clothes.

8. Do you ever get plagued with the Jonesing curse? By this I mean do you go to
someones' big house or drive by someone's big house and wish you had the material
possessions they did? Or do you ever wish you had that room pictured in a Pottery
Barn catalog? If you have how do you deal with that?

Sure I do. I think everyone gets that at some point! But what matters is what you do with it. If you use it to breed discontent and frustration at your own life, it's not healthy. But if you use it to help you build goals and ideas for the future, give you decorating ideas, and stuff like that-- I mean, that's a good thing!

9. What is the difference between praying the Rosary and Chaplet of Mercy. I love
praying the Chaplet of Mercy. While you pray your beads once again what are the
kids doing? How often and how long does it take you to pray these?

The rosary was given and requested by Mary, the Chaplet of Divine Mercy developed from St Faustina. There are different graces associated with each but both are wonderful. I try to pray both at some point during the day. My kids take naps at the same time -- I schedule them-- so I usually pray my beads at that time, or in the evening after they have gone to bed. A couple times a week, I will actually pray a rosary with them. I let them help me and we don't do it perfectly, but we get it done. The best advice I ever heard was to pray the rosary as a family while out walking... that way the kids are happy. Normally, it doesn't take longer than 15-20 minutes to pray the rosary.

10. On happy housewives we are once again revisiting the created to be his helpmeet
discussion. What is your stance on the Pearls now? Do you only read books and
refer to books based on Catholic authors or do you choose that which enriches you?

Actually, I'm still a VERY huge fan of the Pearls. Even as a protestant, I didn't totally agree with their theology, so that hasn't changed, but I think they are a wealth of information for building a solid, beautiful, godly family and I truly admire and appreciate them. I'm currently teaching a Bible Study for a group of Catholic women and we are using Beth Moore--- another protestant. I also am halfway through "the shack" right now and LOVE IT! I use what enriches my life, and I don't have a problem going to nonCatholic sources, but when it comes to theology,I let the church do the talking. :)

11. Do you believe sex with your husband is a wifely duty? I too suffer with endo.
and there are times in the month I am in soo much pain and my periods are awful ( I
bleed so much I can't leave the house. the pain alone keeps me at home) (have you
found anything that has helped you with your endo?)

Yes, I do believe that husbands and wives should have sex-- and I believe that they should enjoy it! I have a LOT more to say about this one but I'll keep it short for now and write a longer blog soon... there are also herbal remedies for endo that I will be happy to share. If it is hard to have sex, my best advice is to let him know that you need to be aroused before you can do it, thus encouraging him to actively participate in helping you. The more aroused you become, the easier it is on your body. I will write a blog soon on sexuality and herbal remedies for common sexual problems.

12. Why do people get sick? which brings me to this feeling I have been feeling as
of late...I am scared to get close to HIM. I feel like right now everything is
puttering along and once I get close to our God the evil one will step in and cause
all kinds of strife. Do you believe that God makes us suffer on purpose in order to
grow us closer to him or do you feel that we can grow close to HIM without pain? I
think I'm really thinking this because my mom just finished treatment for Breast
Cancer which was horrible. We nearly lost my dad to a massive heart attack followed
by quadruple bypass surgery. My sister had to have a complete hysterectomy for
cervical cancer. The list goes on. I'm so scared of getting an illness and not
being here to raise my sweet babies. Seeing all the pain they have gone through has
me petrified. I am in fear of my kids not having a mother to raise them. Do you
ever feel like this? Ever worry about that? I mean
leaving Wayne/Peter to raise your kids alone? How do you handle that? I would
love your advice on this as well.

People get sick because of sin--- because of the natural consequence of living in an imperfect world. A REALLY great book I would recommend to help you see why suffering is allowed is called "The Shack."
I am so sorry to hear about all the heartache you have experienced. And I am certain that through it God is changing and molding and growin all of you! My best advice to you in this situation is to tell you not to fear, but rather to rest in the promises of God, because it is only God who sees the WHOLE picture, and knows the WHOLE story.

Ashes

2009-02-26T04:57:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was ash wednesday. I woke up with this total sense of anticipation at the lenten season beginning... mostly because come Easter it will be a year since I came back to the Church and there are so many emotions associated with that.

It seems like it has gone so fast!!

Lent is the 40 days pre-easter. During Lent, Catholics undertake a period of fasting, prayer, and penance.
We fast (particularly on Ash Wednesday) and abstain from meat on Fridays (some people during the whole season) and practice penance--- giving up things that we particularly like but which keep us from Christ, and in turn, taking on spiritual disciplines that will help us draw closer to God. Things like getting up earlier to greet Him in the dawn, or giving up TV for 40 days and choosing spiritual reading instead, or going to Daily Mass instead of vegging out on the couch first thing in the morning. We make these lenten sacrifices and ask them for particular purposes--- for the conversion of sinners, for miracles in our own lives or the lives of others, for the things which only prayer can achieve.
We pray ceaselessly. We meditate on the suffering and passion of Christ. On Friday nights, we do the Stations of the Cross, walking around the church meditating on the various moments in the walk of Christ with His cross and how we can share in His suffering as an offering of love.
People give up and take on things according to their place in life and on the journey. Some give up alcohol, or cigarettes. Others give up their entire paychecks.

Last year, during lent, I fasted from all books except the bible and the catechism of the Church, because I wanted to determine if the Church was the actual church established by Christ. It was.

This year I am taking on a few disciplines for my family-- like not raising my voice with my kids, and not complaining. But I'm also doing more--- like reading Divine Intimacy every day alongside my daily bible reading, and praying an extra rosary a day.

I woke up yesterday morning filled with anticipation-- I couldn't wait to go to church but I was also anxious about being marked with the ashes--- it has been YEARS since I did this and I remember being a child and being so uncomfortable with people staring at me and wondering what the heck was on my face.

The readings and responsorial psalm had me in tears from the very beginning of mass-- they reminded me of the depth and seriousness of my sin and how much it grieves my God.
It helps that I'm halfway through "The Shack," which is an excellent novel to remind us of the gravity of our lack of relationship with God, and I found myself weeping as I sang "Misericordia senor, (Have mercy lord,)for I have sinned."

After that, we watched Father bless the ashes that were to be distributed, burned down from the palm fronds we waved last year as we welcomed the Lord into Jerusalem.
We lined up solemnly and prayerfully reflected on what was about to occur. The ashes are more than a symbol! Because we are Catholic, we believe in sacramentality-- that reception of these ashes create in us a spiritual reality. We are given, through them, the grace we need to understand the depth of our sin and the deep, wide mercy of God.

The Catholic use of ashes stems from the Jewish use of ashes- mourners sat and rolled themselves in ashes, sprinkling them on their person and in their food. The same Hebrew word that describes ashes also means "dust."

For the early Christians, Tertullian and Cyprian and other Church Fathers often described the Christian association of "ashes" and sackcloth with doing penance. Liturgically, the two are interconnected and have been since the old testament. This is one of the best things about being a Catholic. As I watched the long line of people returning to their seats marked with the sign of the cross in black smudged darkly against their foreheads, I was so moved to think that Christians have been doing this since the very first days of the Church-- that in doing it, I was united with Christians the world over. I was united with Christians who had come and gone and who were now with Christ in heaven.....with sinners everywhere who recognized the need for God in their lives. It's very moving!

As a protestant, one of my favorite moments was always to watch the altar calls. We'd get told not to peek and keep our eyes tightly shut, but I would always look, because there is nothing more beautiful than seeing people go forward to receive Christ and acknowledge that they need a Savior. This is what I get to see EVERY DAY in the Catholic Church, through Communion, through sacramentals, through actions like recieving the ashes. It's so profound!

When it was my turn ,I quietly stepped forward and was marked with a cross made of ashes. My eyes were tightly closed as I breathed in the scent of dust mixed with holy water and chrism. The words that were recited to me as I was marked with the cross resonated in my ears and I heard nothing but the words he said to me as he solemnly smudged my forehead in two even strokes:

"Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." Tears rolled down my cheeks as I realized the reality of this beautiful statement, and I recognized that this was the first steps of my lenten journey-- to acknowledge that I was desperately, totally, dead in my sin without the Lord.

Walking back up the aisle to my pew was unreal. Greeted by a sea of faces marked with a thick black cross softly singing:
If all our world is ashes, then must our lives be true
An offering of ashes, an offering to you.

I couldn't imagine a more beautiful sight.

May the Lord bless this lenten season and may we all grow in His love.

Orgasmic birth... let's talk about this.

2009-02-18T10:40:00.000-08:00

What do you guys think? Comments?

http://www.orgasmicbirth.com/

The Messenger

2009-02-11T15:55:00.000-08:00

Something amazing happened to me today. Last night, I was reading some of my old blogs, as I often do, and I became majorly glum over something that probably doesn't bother a lot of you. I went back to read some of my blogs from this time last year and I found that not a whole lot had changed at all. In them, I was waiting to find out if Peter was going to get into the military, and I was waiting to find out if we would have this house the following month. In fact, nearly everything about "this time last year" resembled the present... and it really freaked me out.
At the same time, I had to face the fact that I'm not actually GOING in circles, even if it sometimes seems that way, but rather that I've got a pattern going on, and that I'm moving outwards (or maybe inwards?) in concentric circles, like the earth around the sun. Each time I revisit a place or a thing, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me, and I'm growing more. Not only are these things becoming more familiar, but they are becoming more understandable. And what's more, I'm really starting to see a change in ME, if not in my circumstances.

Meanwhile, something happened today that really threw me for a loop. During the incident, two things stood out. The first was that every time I start to see a glimmer of hope in this life, that somehow, some way, God is going to pull us out of poverty and into a place where we just might be able to have a decent life, the rug comes out from under me. The second was that one of the hardest things about being a spouse is that you have to put up with the lessons your spouse has to learn, even if you already know them. Likewise, he has to put up with yours. And what's crazier, God can use THEIR lessons to teach YOU something. Yeah.

So, I pretty much blew up over this incident, which is a bit too complex to delve into on here, but which really freaked me out and took away any sense of security that I had developped over the last few months. I began to throw myself a pity party. After all, we are in a complete holding pattern at this moment and have had to relinquish complete control of pretty much anything in our lives. Because of that, our sense of "security" and "safety" is virtually vanished. And yet we know that God is God. Meanwhile, I called a couple of my trustee "lean on me" friends, and neither of them where able to offer me much in the way of ministering to my anxieties, not because they couldn't, but mostly because, in the end, they weren't supposed to. God had something else in mind.

My father in law showed up at my door when I was at my worst--- having just burst into huge tears and basically fallen apart, he was greeted by a raccoon faced daughter in law who was totally beside herself. I explained the situation to him, and his first reaction was to really stick it to me-- he hammered me with twenty reasons why I was being selfish, which were all true.
Then, he sat down and began telling his "no shit there I was" stories. The guy is a retired Army First Sgt, and very often moves into these old war stories from vietnam and the gulf war that really throw you for a loop.

Somewhere, in the midst of his stories, my heart started to break. God was talking to me. Directly. Through them, he reminded me that God is God, and has that right. He reminded me that what is painful for him wont be painful for me, but that it's only IN the painful that we do our best growing. He reminded me that when these things happen, God allows them, and we have no idea what he is going to do. He reminded me that sometimes, what seems like a stroke of bad luck is actually the hand of our Lord reaching down to save us, and he reminded me, above all, that as a daughter of God, it was my job to rise up and run to Him in times of trouble-- that I had no business whatsoever fleeing from him and shaking my fist calling out "woe is me." TELL HIM you're angry, he told me.
He quoted philippians 4 at me: Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Later on, when I had come to terms with the fact that God had sent me a messenger, he called once more just to let me know that FAITH is being built in me as I undergo this and every trial, and that the visible character of Christ will be mine once I learn to see, feel, experience the trial but to lose the need to be reminded of all that I needed to be reminded of today.

Lord, I have so far to go. But OH, how sweet is his personal love for us all!

The Forum Liberalis

2009-02-10T04:09:00.000-08:00

Uh oh, GWLANA, I broke the rules... again!

So. I made of the mistake of not just blogging about Rav but actually going in there and once again got sucked into the psychotic world of hyperliberalism that honestly must make Baby Jesus cry.

As I said to Amanda, most of the people in there are so liberal they don’t even tell THEMSELVES the truth about their own issues for fear of offending their own self-worth. For the most part, they are just tiptoeing around, apologizing and smiling at each other. There is nothing more irritating to me than people who dance around topics and use "gentle" language for fear of offending any number of groups (for example, it's not unusual to hear someone respond to a question about submission like this: "Well, I don't want to exclude transgender marriages from my assessment, but....") If you should happen to make a comment about the fact that gender roles are not a figment of the imagination, they start telling you how you must then logically assign roles to members of other races and be a total racist crapbag. Right. They are big on not excluding anyone, but they arent' ashamed to say that they they would like to exclude the Christian right from anything and everything... to include the right to breathe the oxygen we all must share. This type of Political Correctness is not only nauseating, it's destructive. There are only so many people you can "include" before society begins to disintegrate. What liberals have never understood is that we do things for the good of the majority, that's the only way a society can work. Does that mean that we exclude or marginalize anyone? Absolutely not. What it does mean, though, is that we expect everyone to do their part and pull their load.

This is why it's funny when liberals tell me they "don't like the army." Oh boo hoo. The army loves you, baby. While they sit around whining about how unfair and mean the army is, the army provides them and the whole world with security that gives them the freedom TO complain about itself. Now THAT'S a sense of national duty. Recently, we got into a conversation about how harsh the army's policies about mental illness are. Are they? Sure. They could probably be more sensitive and helpful for those who truly ARE struggling with things like PTSD. One need only look at the numerous soldier suicides this year to determine that. But what do people expect them to do? To pass out candy and sing kumbaya around a camp fire? To send soldiers on vacation? It's the army. It didn't become the most powerful army in the world by sitting around being sensitive to people's needs. In case no one noticed, there's a war going on. The army itself knows the truth--- they sing it in cadence every morning. Their job is battle. They'll rest when they're dead.

Talking to people this liberal, for me, is like talking to an invading alien army. I am not equipped with the correct vocal chords to communicate. Even if I was, I would not be equipped with knowledge of their language. And since they are hostile, I have no desire to even attempt it, it's far easier and safer for the defense of my planet to just blast an RPG into the herd, pray that it hits a target somewhere near the center, and run for your life. When they retaliate with what THEY claim is "just friendly fire," your only option is to find the nearest nuclear bomb and let it roll. This is the verbal equivalent of my tactics whenever I go in there.

The problem I have with rav is this. I was raised in France and in California, where we often have what's called a "Cafe Philo." A bunch of people sit around a table drinking coffee and discussing life. Sometimes, it gets heated. Other times not. But it's always fruitful to see people from all walks of life getting together to discuss the important issues. This is what a forum is.
The dictionary definition is: A medium of open discussion or voicing of ideas.

I was not on the debate team when I was in high school. I thought they were huge geeks. Instead, I snuck out of fourth period math and met with my friends at the coffee shop, where we smoked cigarettes and sipped organic soy chais and chatted about the meaning of life. This is the way it has always been in my world.
So why, then, does Ravelry seem to think that life operates like a debate team? That in order to participate in their forums, of which they persist in creating subforums and further subforums to continue to isolate me from speaking about religion "as a way of life." (yes, even in the DISCUSSIONS ABOUT RELIGION forum!)we must somehow excel at professional debate?

Instead of being able to go in there, share your life experience, and read the life experience of others, hear, learn, grow, and think, we are required to read endless amounts of "statistics" and "facts" and babblings of people with PhD's. We are required, if we want to have an opinion, to back it up with data. Why??

Perhaps it's because I have absolutely no respect for "education" as it is, but this really bothers me. Obama is educated. I think he's a moron. My husband was not. I think he's a genius. It really doesn't matter to me if some institution or organization has given you a stamp of approval and said "we endorse this person as telling the truth." The only qualifying factor, for me, that makes a person worthy of having an opinion that I will count as "fact" is one who knows the Bible, truly knows the Bible, as one who is illuminated by the Holy Spirit of God. I could not care less if you spent 22 years furthering your studies at I'm Special U. It really has no bearing on how much you know, for scripture says "The wisdom of this world is passing."
NOW, this doesn't mean that I believe we need to throw knowledge out. Knowledge is good, and faith is not, nor has it ever been, in opposition to science. Science will never disprove God, nor will it prove Him ,because we are simply called to live in faith. Those of us who do will find God all around us, and no amount of "scientific proof" would convince us otherwise. Nevertheless we have the responsibility to make ourselves understood. To communicate in a language that the listener can hear. I am the first person to admit that this becomes increasingly taxing as time goes by, particularly when you are faced with the same questions, the same responses, and the same people, day in and day out. It becomes so taxing, in fact, that I have been guilty (and was last night) of throwing my hands up and saying: "you know what? Screw it. You really aren't important enough for me to even bother trying to communicate truth to you. Just wallow in your life and you'll have a nice big surprise at the end."

Unfortunately for me, that's the wrong answer. I am not able to do that because I am called to care about these people--- to love every one of them, heretical, nasty, vile morality, and all.

The problem I have in online forums is that each one takes on the characteristics of the people who frequent it most. I love the R&P because I've been there the longest, and I set the tone, and I know anything goes, and I know not to be offended and I know no one else will be either. The R&P, for me, is far superior to any forum I've ever encountered because it's the most like a Cafe Philo. We go in, we relax, we talk about the issues, we poke fun at each other, and we grow. I've done some of my best growing in the R&P. Not everyone shares my beliefs in there, but at least there are enough people with similar beliefs that make you seem like a person with a right to an opinion, as opposed to feeling like everyone's watching you like you are a lunatic. In the R&P, I've always been told: I love you, but your batsh*t crazy. The "I love you" part, combined with the respect you are given for being a reg, makes for enough warm fuzzies to keep you unscathed when you DO have to battle it out in there. I become a better person, and a better Christian, through my interactions in there.

Conversely, Ravelry brings out the worst in me each and every time. Why? Because Ravelry is nothing like a Cafe Philo. It's like a transgendered alternate lifestyle NOW liberal fest, where I feel, very often, totally alone. Everything I say and think is so utterly foreign to these women (and the occasional man that pops in) that I frequently am met with shock and awe.

Whatever other Christians are in there are painful silent, or they simply spend their time agreeing in the places they can with what they read to make friends, instead of challenging people to grow. Whenever we DO get some Christians in there who are willing to take a stand, they immediately get swarmed with so much BS and confusion and satanic doctrine that they quickly fold over themselves and retreat to pray and lick their wounds. One cannot even have a thread that lays out the basic tenets of Christianity without being literally swamped with lies, new age garbage, demonic doctrines, and "educated" information that negates Christ's Godhood, the Holy Trinity, or Satan's existence, and then you come out looking like a wierdo for actually believing the basic tenets of the Christian Faith. It is so disheartening. These people embrace all that is sad, heartbreaking, wrong, evil, immoral, and dark and earnestly believe it will enhance their human experience. It is painful to look at, but more importantly, it's painful to go in there and even remotely attempt to tear a hole in their dark bubble and let some light in. You are met with so much venom disguised as sugar that you come out of there literally gasping for peace. Talk about an exercise in futility.

It infuriates me to think that when I'm NOT posting in there, they just go through life, patting each other on the back for being such spectacularly TOLERANT human beings, so evolved, and they have no idea that there is a big wide world outside of their LYS and job at the food co-op (no offense, Jen, if you're reading) where the reality is that they are as deceived as they come. Of course, when I do post, it doesn't even make a dent in the crazy, and all it does is send alien lazer beams of angst and frustration aimed at my heart-- because deep down, as much as I can't stand their mindsets, I DO care about these people. And they are WILLINGLY giving themselves over to ALL that our Lord has warned us against.

In a way, I guess I can understand how much it pains the Father's heart to hear/see people believe these things. It draws me closer to the Lord. My evangelical response used to be to keep on going in there and shouting out the good news, but my Catholic response is to WEEP over ravelry and to "stiff upper lip" it, shut up, start praying and do penance for them.

Perhaps this lent I can offer up some part of my lenten fast for the salvation of the souls in Ravelry.... for the light to somehow penetrate this forum where participants aren't having "discussions" but rather willingly submitting to brainwashing and encouraging each other in the name of "tolerance" to take in ANYTHING they can get their hands on but godliness.

As a dear raveler said to me in an email yesterday:
"I’ve been reading the thread in DAR. They’re really quite hypocritical aren’t they? They’re remarkably tolerant until someone disagrees with them."

Amen to that!!! May the Lord create forums for personal discussion throughout the internet, where His name alone will be praised, and where the darkness flees like roaches from the light.

The Gay Thing, Pt 2: Judgement DaY

2009-02-09T03:46:00.000-08:00

A good friend of mine on myspace, Dover, posted a great question as a response to my "The Gay Thing" blog (which I post both on blogspot and myspace) It was such an excellent question that I thought it deserved a blog all its own. He said:

I really agree with what you're saying here. I have to give the RCC props for this wisdom. They've definetly beat most of the other churches in this area. But I did have one question.

What about in the Bible where it talked about if a christian was found in sin that they where to be confronted in private. But if they didn't repent then you where to take an elder and witness and then confront them, and if they still didn't repent you where supposed to bring it before the whole church...

SO..... I agree that we should extend grace and love and welcome to all peoples, but with Alcoholics and people practicing homosexuality, what about that above verse? about confronting them? I mean... yeah... it's complicated.

There are so many things I like about this question it's hard to know where to begin. Let me start by saying that this is one of the greatest differences I've encountered since my return to the Church of Rome. And it's no small issue. As a protestant, it was ingrained in me that other people's souls' were somehow my responsibility. That evangelical urge played itself out in many ways--- in never letting an opportunity to share the gospel slip past, in the way I dealt with issues of sin in my house and in my relationships.

If you'll recall, on the fourth of July last year I was enjoying the fireworks on post in a beautiful, all-american, military-pride kind of setting, and I found myself confronted with this difference full force. The people one house down from our BBQ had invited their whole church to a big tent they put up, and our whole group was Catholics. There were little differences... like, we had beer, and they didn't, but there were big differences too. As I chased my toddlers around the grass I overheard conversation after conversation that rubbed me the wrong way... where one person was basically telling another person "hey brother, you're in sin there," and the other would say "yeah, man, you're right." But it would be over something totally trivial. One guy was "confronted" because he had come over to our house and asked us for a beer. of course, he got railed on because he was supposed to be witnessing to US, the unsaved Catholics, but instead he was taking OUR hospitality and, woe is him, actually having alcohol.
Another conversation was about how unsaved Catholics are and what a shame it was. They were basically sitting there watching us have our gathering and thinking to themselves "Man, it stinks that those people are going to hell and they're just sitting there grilling Tri-Tip."
The thing about it was... they didn't know us from adam or eve. They had NO CLUE if we were going to heaven or not, they just made this immediate assumption based on this fact: The group next door is Catholic.

Now, don't get me wrong.. I've been there. But my stance now is this: If it doesn't look good, I'm not going to get anywhere with someone by doing anything other than pointing the way I know will get to heaven. In other words, instead of worrying about who is wrong all the time, how about we just show people what is right?

Those types of conversations reminded me (since I hadn't really been around protestants for a few months) of that element of constantly being ON each other, holding each other accountable, etc. Catholics REALLY don't do that.

When a Catholic looks around and sees someone is in some serious sin, they do one of three things (or all three!)
If the person is in any kind of leadership position (from teaching catechism to being an extraordinary Eucharistic minister) they make sure to let the priest know they noticed and don't like it. In other words, they ensure that those in roles of leadership/high visibility are living honorable lives, period.
The second thing they will do is light a candle for them or pray a rosary for them. And yes, sometimes, talk amongst themselves about it, although I'm sure they go to confession if they do! (GUILTY! :P)What a difference from how I felt as a protestant, constantly under the scrutiny of multiple watchful eyes. I remember the day I quit smoking. I looked back on the YEARS of hiding my cigarettes, my breath, my ashtrays, that I did so that my protestant friends wouldn't bug me about it. Would my smoking time have been shortened if people just allowed me to be who I was and grow without being stifled? Would I have opened up more, shared more, been more challenged? I don't know. What I do know is that I learned in that time that even though I can hide things from PEOPLE, God still knows what I'm doing. And that was a good lesson. However, consider this:

The number one reason why people polled by evangelicals say they choose to be unchurched is because, and I quote, "Christians are hypocrites." In other words, we say one thing and do another. And how true is that??? Protestant churches tend to look like cookie cutter images of "perfect" people. When you set foot inside one, you get kind of blown away by the "beautiful people." Not so of Catholic environments, in which you look around and see a big, heartbreaking, beautiful mess.

My general feeling is that in Catholic Circles, people worry about their own souls and pray for others, whereas in Protestant Circles, people worry about other people's souls and pray for themselves. This is a generalization, of course, but it's just this sense I get from having experienced both---- I know that one of the most attractive things for me about returning to the Catholic Church was that I was going to have the ability once again to be a "face in a pew" that no one could talk about, look at, or judge. Just a person. On a journey. That other people didn't get to determine for me.

Now there is a fine line here that can not be crossed. Scripture says that it is GOOD for us to fellowship, that it is GOOD for there to be two or three witnesses, a multitude of counselors, etc. But it's that sense of having spiritual advice forced on you at all turns that chokes the life out of you. My whole ordeal with my husband and our family's personal journey, into California, our of California... man. That was a great example. We couldn't be "sent out" because no one in our immediate community of believers wanted us to leave. The people in California, of course, were super excited. But when we got to California and realized that God had us there for a different reason than we had initially thought and that we HEAVILY doctrinally disagreed with the Church we had come out there to help in the first place, THAT Church wouldn't send us back out, because they wanted us to stay. And yet, all the while, God was working, and people were attempting to stand in His way. The World DOES need to know the Lord. the world DOES need to hear from God. But the evangelical "prototype" of using a megaphone in crowds and individually addressing each member of the community with their personal sin is just sooo... bleh.
Does this mean that if your sister or brother is in sin you shouldn't address it?? Of course you should. But take first the LOG out of your own eye before you worry about the splinter in your brother's. See what I mean?

The other part of that is that we (Catholics) have something that other Christians don't have: unity in the faith. We have apostolic authority. Every night, before we go to sleep, we do what's called an "examination of conscience." We ask ourselves (and God!) to show us where we have sinned and in what ways our conscience is telling us that we have offended God and our neighbor, and those are the things which we bring to the confessional. Because we go to the confessional, we can be assured that the spiritual direction we receive from our priest, who is our representative of apostolic authority and who does, says, and represents the EXACT same faith (down the minute details) as all other priests and bishops around the entire world, will guide us not in his personal direction but in the direction of sanctity. In other words, Catholics all believe the same exact things. There are no dissensions in the ranks of Catholics. And those who do not are simply removing themselves from the Church of their own accord.
Because of this unity in the faith, we don't HAVE to hammer other people. We can ALL point to the place in the catechism where it says X, Y, or Z about how to live one's life. So we can ALL grow personally, individually, and collectively by adhering to the Word of God as it has been revealed to the apostles and continues to be. Because of this, there are no disagreements. And because there are no disagreeements, we don't have to give people a hard time.

How this plays out with the homosexuality issue is that we KNOW, from the Bible, and from Sacred Tradition, that homosexuality is wrong. It is not a debatable issue, it is not something that we can pick and choose about, and there are no uncertain terms. All Catholic persons are required to believe this, and all members of the Magesterium are required to continue to teach this. It simply IS.
Because of that fact, we don't need to eternally pound on people about it. If they should happen to come to a place in their lives where they question this teaching, then they can be directed to any number of passages in scripture and in the catechism that reflect these teachings. They are then faced with a choice: either they buy it or not. The result of NOT buying it is tangible in our Church in the sense that those who are not in union with the teachings of the Church are not to receive our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.

We teach straight from the Bible, that those who receive communion who are living in sin are reaping condemnation onto themselves. Thus the practicing homosexual (just as, for example, the person who is taking Birth Control) who receives communion is, in essence, condemning themselves. Our job is to protect people from doing so--- we refuse communion from non Catholics and non-practicing Catholics not to protect Our LORD, but to protect THEM.

Because there are two parts to the Mass, we must then acknowledge that there is no scandal whatsoever in the welcoming of the all people to hear the word of God proclaimed. Even persons who are excommunicated may hear the Word of God-- and should!
In the Latin Mass, the community then made a differentiation-- only those who could RECIEVE the Lord should remain for the second portion, which is the Eucharistic Feast. There was the mass of the catechumens, and the mass of the faithful.
Now, in the Novus Ordo, we just keep on truckin'.... and persons who wish to remain may remain, although they are asked in no uncertain terms not to receive the Host.

I've been in Protestant Churches where we "put people out" from the fellowship because of continued sin. And it always sat wrong with me. But the reason it did wasn't clear until I returned to the Catholic Church. If we don't allow people to hear the Word of God proclaimed, how will their hearts be changed?
Preventing people from receiving the Eucharist is a whole different story. I wasn't able to receive the day I believed, and that waiting nearly killed me. It was in that waiting that I re-examined myself and my life and heard from God and was able to make the necessary changes. It was in that waiting that I did my best growing. And now, it's as I wait each day, hoping I'll be able to receive the next day, that I do my best growing.

So what should you do about that gay couple that comes to church, day in and day out? the answer is simple. Love them. Lead them to Our Lord... and let them know what a sweet, sweet taste He has.

The Gay Thing.

2009-02-07T20:04:00.001-08:00

I'm writing this blog for my dearest Amanda, who shocked the heck out of me tonight by proclaiming not once, but twice, that pastors should be prevented from preaching that homosexuality is wrong, and that their churches should be shut down, as they are proclaiming hate speech, which is illegal in this country.
Whew. There are so many things wrong with that line of thinking I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts in line, but let's start here:

Homosexuality, as a whole, as an issue, is about PEOPLE. The concern, I'm certain, that persons like Amanda experience when hearing that we are proclaiming in churches that being gay is wrong is that we are vilifying people. And she might be totally shocked and surprised to know that I'm actually in agreement there.

The Roman Catholic Church, in all her wisdom (hehe) has defined the issue in a manner that I am quite certain most protestants and evangelicals have never considered, and I would like to share it here.

When we say "homosexuality," in Roman Catholic Churches, we are talking about the physical homosexual act-- an action in which two persons who are the same sex engage in sexual behavior. THIS is what we preach against, teach against, and warn against. THIS is what priests expect to hear in the confessional and what makes us avert our eyes in shock.

What "homosexuality" as a term used to define a sin does NOT encompass is what we Catholics call SSA. Same Sex Attraction. The Church teaches that there is NO SIN... I repeat, NOT a sin, to be found in the "natural" inclination that some persons have to attraction towards another person of a similar sex. Persons with SSA, like ALL people, should be treated equally, respectfully, and in a manner which fully honors their inherent human dignity. Persons with SSA should do exactly what is required for people withOUT SSA..... look for ways to live a chaste life.

As a married woman, I am just as called to chastity as a person with SSA might be. Chastity is not excused for heterosexuals. Chastity is an evangelical counsel, something which is required in order to become "perfect," (as our heavenly Father is perfect.) Spending some time getting to know the idea of "Evangelical counsels" would be very beneficial here.
It is NOT required of all people. Chastity is not binding to all men, nor is it binding to all believers. Chastity, like it's brothers poverty and obedience, is required only of those who wish to be "perfect."

Me? I certainly wish to become perfect. As a part of my calling as a Catholic, a Wife, and a Carmelite, I have made Poverty, Chastity, and Obedience a goal and purpose. But that's me. I live a consecrated life.
All other believers (and indeed, nonbelievers!) are CALLED to be consecrated to the Lord, but that doesn't mean that they all will respond to that calling.
I certainly don't expect everyone on the planet to wake up one morning saying "gee, poverty, chastity, and obedience! Sounds great! Sign me up!"

Because of this, I cannot in good conscience "force" anyone to accept that the performance of homosexual actions will injure or harm their soul. Of this, the Church is fully aware. Our job is to be OPEN to people with SSA in such a way that they might feel welcome and loved in our community, not rejected, not marginalized, not loathed. Likewise, our job is to take a firm stance against anything which might project the image or idea that taking those sexual actions of homosexuality will result in anything good, or noble, or honorable. This does NOT negate the nobility or honor of the person with SSA, but rather affirms that this person is special in God's eyes and is loved, for "whom the Lord loves, He disciplines."

In our church, for example, there is a person who attends mass each week in drag. This person comes and is welcomed into the community. At the sign of the peace, this person is hugged, and handshaked, and given the "kiss of peace." BUT this person, because of his actions, must willingly submit to the Church's decision that he shall not recieve communion until he has come to terms with his call to chastity. Pursuing a life in drag, for this person, means blending gender and furthering the cause of other persons who also dress in drag because of SSA. This person may not even be HAVING a homosexual relationship, but the very nature of his attire tells us that he is still seeking to somehow identify with persons who commit these acts, and because of that idenitifcation, he must wait until he himself is ready to identify with Christ and His Church alone.

These things are not said or done to demean a person or diminish their human worth. Christianity welcomes the sinner and asks that room be made for any who would come to the table. But we cannot be saved if we do not first repent--- recognizing that we actually NEED a savior because of our sin. We cannot be filled if we do not first come empty.

Each and every person, Straight, or SSA, seated in our pews daily must come to this realization on their own. The Church welcomes those who are still journeying towards this realization--- after all, we are a pilgrim church.

Nevertheless, we must take care not to give the impression that we are like the Athenians Paul was so horrified by on his missions trip--- where absolutely anything goes.

In this issue, like many of the "hotbed" political issues facing the Church today, we must take care to remember that we are here for PEOPLE, not machines, not objects, not THINGS which we can simply place in this pile or that pile and move on with our lives.
I remember a day not long ago when I was waiting in line for the confessional. A hispanic girl in short jean shorts and the lowest cut top I'd ever seen walked into the Church actually carrying a starbucks cup. She swayed seductively up to the cross and passed the altar and tabernacle without a hint of reverence. She popped her gum and lifted her sunglasses atop her head. The beautiful silence of the sanctuary where I was praying with my covered head was interrupted by the echoing, loud clickety clack of her platform heels. And my inital response, I'll admit, was to snort and judge. Who in the heck did she think she was profaning my sacred moment like that? But the Lord quickly showed me the darkness of my heart as the girl lit a candle and began to pray earnestly. He gave me a Word of Knowledge about her...... that allowed me to see that this was the first time in a long time that she had a need that had brought her to a Church. And who would I be? The welcoming, smiling person she encountered on her way out who reminded her that we were happy she was here? Or the person who sneered and judged. Lord, let me always be a welcoming light.

So what of the same-sex couple who persists in coming to church, day in and day out, for years on end? Many Christians would say that these persons should eventually be ostracized-- after all, they've been "exposed to the truth" and persist in their sin, right? But the Catholic Church has a different response. As long as this couple lives, it is our duty to smile the smile of welcome, day in, and day out, and to open our doors. It is our duty to love, to serve, and to honor these beautiful, precious people in whom we should see the face of Jesus.
This couple may not be able to recieve our Lord because the pre-requisite repentance has not been reached, but this couple should be always made to feel at home in the pews of our Parishes.

You see, preaching against homosexuality doesn't mean that we think people are objects, machines, or things. It certainly wouldn't create a culture of hate crimes or danger for these precious souls. It creates an environment in which thoughtful dialogue, both internal and external, should be reached. It creates a safe space where these moral issues can be discussed far from fear of anger or retaliation or judgement or disgust. Most of all, it creates an avenue for God to move hearts more towards love and more towards kindness and compassion.... because both heterosexuals and persons with SSA will encounter in our Churches a God who loved them more than they even love themselves and each other. And THAT is what this is all about.

Yet another treatise on Submission

2009-02-06T15:45:00.000-08:00

Those DAR ravelers are at it again, and this time instead of getting into a seventy-hour arguement that ends with me smashing my head against the nearest brick wall, I thought I would lay out my thoughts, point blank, in a blog.
The topic at hand is "submission:" What it means, how it works, why it looks different than in other households, why it isn't a BDSM game, and why the Pearls over at No Greater Joy Ministries are or aren't awesome.

Let's start with the basics. In conservative "biblical" homes, we practice a type of submission which places special emphasis on two points. First, we are called to "mutual submission." ie, according to Ephesians 5 we are called to submit to one another in love. Likewise, we practice "wifely submission," because scripture tells us wives to "submit to our husbands."

The very first thing I hear lots of women who subscribe to this theory say in their own defense is to immediately call out "I'm submitted, but that doesn't mean I'm a doormat." I suspect that this response has something to do with their own insecurities as women.... after all, I'm not ashamed to say that sometimes, it DOES mean being a doormat! But the point they are trying to make is a valid one-- it's that we are first of all choosing to do the right thing and submit to our husbands. No one has forced us to take this decision. And no, that doesn't mean feminists gave us that right, although they like to take that credit, I've noticed.

Second, I want to say this: the well-ordered biblical, ephesians home comes under the headship of Christ, who is manifested in the headship of the husband who seeks Him, through the love of the wife who seeks Him. In other words, if the husband is following Christ, then what do we need to fear by submitting to him? Unfortunately for us, we all marry sinners. And that's where it gets complex, because it confounds some people that we can marry sinners and yet accept and love them as they are rather than placing demands on them.

For some of us, this plays out more than others. In this complicated world of mixed up gender roles and the virtual erasing of our sexual differences, we are often faced with the notion, even from birth, that we should somehow transcend traditional gender roles and forego the old "boys with trucks and girls with dolls" thing. Since the sixties, our parents have been progressively hammering us with this feminist garbage (even my parents tried... I've blogged before about my terrifying discovery of the book "Minou" in my child's bookshelf.) and as a result, gender roles are being virtually erased.

Fifty years ago, men waited in the waiting room with cigars while women supported and surrounded each other in the birthing room--- now men are catching babies themselves and eating the placenta. It used to be that moms wore aprons and changed diapers, and served hot meals on cue with fresh lipstick on and not one hair out of place. Nowadays, guys come home from work for the baby handoff to a wife in sweats who is ordering chinese. I could go on and on, but you get what I'm saying... things have changed so much that it's actually quite shocking to ANYONE these days to imagine that things could ever have "worked" the old way.

So, with that in mind, I present to you my submitted marriage for scrutiny.

In order to get a full picture, you first must lose the whole puritan, victorian-era "buttoned up, hair up" mentality that you imagine when you hear the word "submission." Automatically, I know most of you have visions of cold, docile, uptight wives. Scratch that.... I'm talking about a household full of love, warmth, and tenderness. I'm talking about a household where the kids are in line, where the joy is tangible, and where smiles get passed around.

Now, it doesn't always start out the way you'd think.
In my house, I'll be totally blunt, my work sucks. I do everything (and I do mean everything, I even take out the trash around here) around the house. I cook, I clean, I homeschool, I organize, I pay bills, I fix broken things, I play, I bathe, I change diapers, I wake up in the night with the kids, I make breakfast for everyone, I do mountains of laundry, and the list goes on and on. I did this as a married woman, I did it when I was pregnant, and I did it when I was pregnant with a toddler. As of today, I can't imagine that I will ever NOT be doing this. I have not slept more than six hours in a row since 2004. And those who know me personally know that I occasionally find extreme frustration in it and NOT joy-- but if I really examine myself in those moments, I find that the reason for that is that I am totally, completely, and incredibly submerged in myself. Those moments tend to happen when people either feel sorry for me and get me thinking, or when they talk amongst themselves and get me thinking. Either way, it's when I allow other people's opinions to cloud what I KNOW I'm called to do.

You see, I have a husband who simply doesn't respond well to nagging. Furthermore, I have a husband who won't stand for whining. And when it comes down to it, I have a husband who really, truly, and genuinely finds happiness when things are "running smoothly." Furthermore, I have a husband who can be at worst a bear and at best a HUGE pain in the butt when he's in a bad mood and things are not "running smoothly" according to his standards.

Second, I ask you to consider that not all men are the same.
When I was growing up, I had lots of examples of "submitted wives" to choose from. I saw how in many marriages, the women would serve the men and give their all, and how the men would only periodically recognize the great effort it took for these women. I also have seen how in many cases these men who allowed themselves to be served also treasured their women above all other things... Like the proverbs 31 woman, they know their wives are as priceless as rubies. In my own life, this is certainly the case-- my husband often amazes me with the level of love he gives me.

I have friends who are committed to being submitted wives and whose marriages look NOTHING like mine. Debi Pearl, in her book "Created to Be His Helpmeet" which will change your life if you let it, says that this is because men are created differently. She breaks them down into three types: Mr. Command Man, (in the image of God the Father), Mr. Visionary, (in the image of God the Holy Spirit) and Mr. Steady (in the image of GOd the Son). Our wifely submission looks different in each case because we are better helpmeets to our men if we are aware of what personality type they have and adjust accordingly. My Mr. Command man doesn't want to "create the family vision," he just wants everything to go well until he makes an adjustment. So, it annoys him to no end if I ask him to participate in the "planning stages." Other husbands, different stories. The key to submission is to LET your man be who he is and to work with that to help him be the best he is so that in turn he can lead you to be the best YOU are.

It doesn't take much effort to figure out who is who--- and obviously I, like Ms Pearl, am married to a Mr. Command man. Many of you will say you are certainly glad NOT to be married to one, but I (and I'm sure Ms. Pearl) can testify that the joys of being a successful helpmeet to a Mr Command Man far outweigh the joys we personally would experience being married to a Mr. anything else man. Why? Because we know God knew what He was doing when He put us with our men!

Likewise, a non-subscriber to the "Submitted" wifestyle might ask how in the world one goes about solving problems if we're always saying "yes" to our husbands. The answer to that is that we don't. Sometimes, we say no!
the thing is, we do two things which I consider wise indeed. First, we pick our battles. and second, we make what's called a "biblical appeal." We wait for the right time, we choose ways to show why we're right through scripture, and we practice patience, knowing when to step out and pray and close our mouths.

SOMETIMES being a good helpmeet means standing UP to a husband. It means taking the time to help him grow by loving and patiently challenging him to do so. But it never means nagging, whining, manipulating or self-serving.

Some people might read these ideas and think... "hey, that's fine for her, her husband is a Christian."
But I will tell you that even if your husband is not, no man on earth would NOT be won over heart and soul for being met every day with a wife who puts his needs and concerns first. It's particularly easy, I've noticed, for moms with busy households to put the kids first before the husband. I'm certainly guilty of this one at times. But then i am reminded that LONG after the kids are gone, he and I will be here, and that should be a good reminder for anyone to invest in a marriage more than anything else.

Lastly, I often get asked two things: First, what makes a submitted wifestyle family different from "my" average American family, and second, what about those people who have husbands who are real jerks?

A submitted wifestyle home looks different from yours because it is pleasing to God. It's really that simple--- no matter how you look at it, we receive certain blessings and graces that we can only be open to through our willingness to submit to God's order. Because we are willing to practice submission and die to ourselves, we are able to grow in beautiful, meaningful ways that you, the non-submitter, will not. And that's plain old bible truth, as they say around here.

Second, well what about those husbands who simply don't deserve such a gloriously kind example of a woman? Because believe me, they are out there. To them I say.... shape up. But if they don't, then what? If my husband treats me poorly, what am I to do? I am to continue to love Him, to follow my Lord and Savior's example to turn the other cheek, and to know that two wrongs don't make a right-- just because HE is wrong doesn't mean I have to be too. It takes some guts to live this way, as a wife with a husband who is---shall we say--less than ideal. And yet, if you do, two things will happen: For one, he will change. He has to. And for another, he will be judged. He has to.

Of course, I always meet those women who say to me: well, that sounds fine and nice, but if he beats you, etc , then you have to get out of there. To whom I say... yes. Get safe. Find a safe place. Call the police. Put him in jail. But don't stop praying for him, loving him, and asking God to change his heart. That kind of wife always makes a difference, and she can truly be proud that she has accomplished something great. The wife who leaves and never looks back? She's the one who didn't fulfill her perfect vocation to give of herself and find herself in that gift.

What does it mean to submit to my husband? It means at the very least to give him honor and reverence due his position, regardless of his character and virtue, and to find in selfless love of him the joy of having completed what I was born and called to do.

The Evangelical Urge

2009-02-03T04:12:00.000-08:00

Sunday's mass on EWTN had a phenomenal priest, Father Scott Hayne, from Chicago. His homily was a twenty-minute powerhouse designed to set some things straight: that God and the Devil are real, that the Church is losing her way but never will be completely lost, and that every day we are the Church Militant--- winning and losing ground on the battlefield.

I've said before that I feel like Fox Mulder on the X Files nearly every day, but the more I get to know and observe others who have had experiences with Evil, the more I'm realizing that we ALL have to be that way. There IS a conspiracy of deception at hand. I often feel so justified and confirmed when I pick up spiritual reading or watch spiritual shows.... Everyone I read and listen to, from Teresa of Avila to Father Groeschel to this priest on Sunday, Father Scott Hayne, to Father Corapi to St John of the Cross, ALL of these beautiful holy warriors will tell you the same thing: there is Evil in our midst. Those of us who are aware of it's presence, either by our own curiosity or because we just cannot seem to escape it, know we must do all we can to be a beacon of truth and hope for those who are drowning.

And yet there's that pesky free will issue, the fact that we cannot force anything on anyone. As a parent, I can command my daughter to look both ways before crossing the street, but I cannot force her... if she decides to break away and make a mad dash, there is little I can actually do about it other than pray for her life and possibly jump in the way of the moving vehicles heading towards her. That's how I feel sometimes when I see what people are doing TO THEMSELVES in this world.

In this blog I am going to treat the idea of evangelism, the whys and hows of it, alongside stories that I have personally witnessed which should give you an idea of the value and importance we should place on our evangelism.

Christianity is an evangelical faith-- there is no escaping it. Jesus told us: "Go and make disciples," and so we must. But evangelism doesn't have to mean leaving little notes in our wake that tell people how to make a decision for Christ. It does not have to mean rabidly inviting everyone you know over to the Church each Sunday, or putting flags on your front lawn proclaiming your love of the Lord. These things are fine, and good, but they are not NECESSARY means of evangelism. Rather, evangelism means sharing your faith, which you are challenged to do using the gifts you have in front of you.

For one friend of mine, this means opening her home in a hospitable manner to her neighbor, cooking, cleaning, and serving Jesus to them. For another ,it means using his understanding of philosophy and history to constantly and imperceptibly point students to their need for God. For another, it means wearing a collar and going into the world. For another, it means choosing not to swear when sharing jokes with the guys at the construction site. For another, it means raising godly kids.

Whatever God has done in your life, whatever He has graced you with, He expects you to serve others with it and use it for His glory. And why? Because if you don't, there is another evangelist sharing a false gospel, and he is extremely eager to get in where you don't go.

The presence of Evil pervades nearly everything around us today. Those of us who have been exposed to it are aware of the putrid stench of Hell when we read the New York Times Bestseller list each month. We see flames licking our friends as they watch TV. We hear agonizing, tormented screams over the phone and through our computer screens. We watch inaugurations and UN meetings with a sense of imminent doom. We KNOW it's there-- just under the surface. Paranormal events might phase us, but they don't surprise us. We remember the words of the demon that Father Amorth, chief exorcist of Rome, once cast out which told us--- when asked how many of "them" there were-- that if we could see "them" with our eyes, there were so many of them that "they" would darken the sky.

Evil takes many forms, from blatant satanism to the most unnoticeable of lies disguised as "human compassion."

Just this year, several prominent leaders in popular political parties were arrested and charged for their involvement in Satanic ritual abuse here in Raleigh, NC. Every day across America, children are born to Satanist families which will be used in Satanic ritual abuse. The city of Asheville, NC has the highest satanic crime rate in the area. It is poorly documented because the satanic element has infiltrated every aspect of law enforcement. But if you listen, there are those with stories to tell.

The "conspiracy" is so great that members of all levels and branches of the judicial, executive, and legislative branches have been affected by it to some degree. It is so vast that Clergy are under constant harassment and often succumb to the Enemy. Bishops in our very church are refusing communion to kneeling communicants, but serving drag queens dressed as religious sisters Our Eucharistic Lord. The Jesuit Schools in Los Angeles are hiding pedophiles and furthering the homosexual agenda for the Church. There is literally no where to hide from the evil that exists----- except the arms of Jesus.

Now, before I start sounding like a nutcase (and some of you reading are already saying "too late!") let me be clear. It is my particular calling or election in life to be aware of and disseminate information about the darkness. This does not mean that I think EVERYONE around me is affected to some degree, but I do find it quite astonishing to note just how vast and varied the effects of the darkness actually are.

I will take music, as an example. I am not one of those people who has no music in my home, or who thinks that rock music is the key to eternal condemnation. There are plenty of those people out there and I'm sure you've heard from them. But consider for a moment the severe spiritual state of most modern-day musicians.

For a while there, our children were listening to teenage pop bands like Britney Spears and NSYNC and Backstreet Boys, all of whom incited teens, through their lyrics, to pursue a life of sexual expression outside of marriage. Interestingly,the lyrics of those songs which were blatantly and overtly sexual never seemed to make it to the inside cover of the albums where the lyrics were located. An accident? A coincidence? Or a plot to keep parents from knowing what their kids were REALLY being ingrained with? Why did America wonder why Britney Spears, being managed and advertised as a Pedophile's wet dream in heels and a schoolgirl uniform with braids in her hair and her dolls on her shelf in the background, end up tormented and destroyed?

Or consider these quotes from popular musicians-- the musicians, indeed, who shaped the sixties and seventies and revolutionized an entire generation which rebelled against everything their parents had ingrained in them:

David Bowie:
"Rock has always been THE DEVIL'S MUSIC . . . I believe rock and roll is dangerous . . . I feel we're only heralding SOMETHING EVEN DARKER THAN OURSELVES." (Rolling Stone, Feb. 12, 1976)

Franck Zappa:
"I'm the devil's advocate. We have our own worshippers who are called 'groupies.' Girls will give their bodies to musicians as you would give a sacrifice to a god." (Peters Brothers, What About Christian Rock, p. 17)

Carlos Santana:
"The energy of devils and angels is the same energy; it's how you use it. It's fuel. There is a saying: If you scare all your devils away, the angels will go away with them. You know, the halo and the horns are the same thing. I mean it's OK to be spiritually horny - that's what creative genius is all about. Geniuses don't have time to think about how it's going to be received... they don't have time to think whether people like it or not, is it morally right, will God like it?" (Carlos Santana, Rolling Stone, magazine, March 16, 2000, p. 87).

"...you meditate and you got the candles, you got the incense and you've been chanting, and all of a sudden you hear this voice: 'Write this down' " (Carlos Santana, Rolling Stone magazine, March 16, 2000, p. 41).

JEFFERSON STARSHIP:
"Rock concerts are the churches of today." (Guitarist Craig Chaquico of the rock group 'Jefferson Starship.')

"Get them while they're young and bend their minds." (Spencer Dryden of the rock group 'Jefferson Starship.')

THE EAGLES:
Hotel California is a reference to a Church of Satan located in an old hotel turned mental assylum on California street. One of their songs is titled "have a good day in hell." Anton Lavey, the granddaddy of Satanism, can be seen on the inside cover of their album.

KISS:
"I'm lord of the wasteland, a modern day man of steel
I gather darkness to please me and I COMMAND YOU TO KNEEL
Before, The God of thunder, the god of rock 'n roll
I'LL STEAL YOUR VIRGIN SOUL!""
(incidentally, Gene himself has repeatedly said in an interview that they were going to name the band a certain "F" Word, but decided to name it KISS because they couldn't get away with the initial idea.)

ACDC:
One need only glance at the lyrics to Highway to Hell, and Hell's bells, to get an idea.

PINK FLOYD:
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want . . .
With bright knives he RELEASETH MY SOUL
He maketh me to hang on hooks in high places . . .
For lo, he hath great power and GREAT HUNGER."

ROLLING STONES:
Phew. There is such a slew of satanic stuff to tell about Mick Jagger and the Rolling stones that I would recommend just doing a google search for "Satanic Rolling Stones."

The BEATLES:
Don't get me started on the lyrics to "imagine," but how about the cover of Sgt pepper? Notice Aleister Crowley in the picture? The names and faces were the beatles' heros as they publically proclaimed that they were taking LSD.

And these are just the beginning.
Consider the lyrics of modern bands like Slayer, Dimu Borghir, Megadeth and Suicidal Tendencies. Yikes. Perhaps the most interesting case is that of Marilyn Manson.

MARILYN MANSON:
"Hopefully, I'll be remembered as the person who brought an end to Christianity." (Spin, August 1996, p. 34)

On his album, Antichrist superstar:
"I heard this album as finished, I heard it in dreams . . . It was like the revelations of John the Baptist or something." (huH, Oct. 1996, p.34)
"I think every time people listen to this new album maybe God will be destroyed in their heads. . ." (huH, Oct. 1996, p.37)

On his teeshirts:
"KILL YOUR PARENTS" and "I LOVE SATAN."

On his shows:
"I don't know if anyone has really understood what we're trying to do. This isn't just about shock value . . . that's just there to lure the people in. Once we've got em we can give em our MESSAGE." (Hit Parader, Oct. 1996, p.28)

On his desire for Satan:
"My mom used to tell me when I was a kid, If you curse at nighttime, the devil's going to come to you when you're sleeping. I used to get excited because I really wanted it to happen . . . I wanted it. I wanted it more than anything ..."(Rolling Stone, January, 23, 1997 p.52)

We all know that Satan was in charge of the music in heaven, and that's why music is such an easy way for him to affect people. Is he really affecting these musicians? Or is it all just a funny coincidence?

Let's really think about what that means for a minute.

When I was a teenager, I was into techno. So much so that it defined my life.
I organized underground raves with my friends, and we broke into warehouses and rented out entire sections of industrial districts in LA. We projected pornography on large screens over the party, passed out free ecstasy to our friends, dressed up like cartoon characters and anime heros, sucked on pacifiers and blew glitter kisses and bubbles at each other, gave each other lotion hand rubs and danced like robots. My favorite moments of all of these (because the LOVE I felt at these gatherings, brought together by our LOVE for the music permeated my very soul) was to stand in front of the gigantic speakers that stood waaaaay over me with all my friends. We would hug and lean into the speaker in time to the beat, a speaker that was blasting sound at such a high decibel level that we would then be deaf for more than 24 hours as we slept and recovered from these events. As the DJ turned it up and we became more and more excited and in love and on fire, we would move with the rhythm into the speaker and into each other, colliding in an explosion of sound, light, and love that caused us to transcend our physical situation and experience something truly spiritual. One of my favorite DJ's at the time totally got this and incorporated this into one of my favorite songs.....including lyrics like "God is the DJ and I'm f*cking the speaker." That is, in fact, what we called hovering together over the speaker like that--- speaker f*cking. Suggestive? Not in the least, right?
I look back on those moments with bittersweet awe.

The love and sense of childlike amazement I experienced at raves was something that deeply moved me. There was a sense of patient, loving responsibility for each other and for the care of the whole world that really knocked you flat. It was a utopia- the perfect situation. Except now, looking back, I think about what it really was. It was a sweaty, sticky mess. It was dirt and filth and pot and cigarette and clove smoke. It was drugs and paranoia and a loudness that made even your heart panic and go deaf. It was a lie.... It was all these things, and yet I was convinced that it was beautiful and perfect and good for the soul, and I shared it with everyone I could. At this time, I have many friends whose lives have been ruined and destroyed because of what they learned at raves. Some never made it out alive. And I brought them there--- convincing them all the while that it was the most beautiful, perfect, experience they would ever have.

So what does this all mean? Burn the albums? Picket the concerts? A few years ago
Marilyn Manson came to Santa Barbara and the Christians in the area decided, instead of picketing, to serve free pizza to concert goers and to talk about the Lord.
This, to me, is the heart of good evangelism.
We don't go into the darkness and fight it with Evil. We go and we bring the beautiful light. We go and we shine and glow so perfectly that the Evil will have no choice but to recede.

When you see, on a daily basis, the absolute filth that the world of the Enemy represents, the depth of the lie, the sadness that should break your heart it's so ugly, then you realize that the only real solution to that is to shine with all the brightness of God's glory. You don't have to be a Billy Graham to be an evangelist. You have to be a human being who was touched by God's love and knows his or her gifts and wants to share them with the world. You have to be the kind of person that will not let an opportunity pass by to serve and do good works.
You have to be a warrior, in the way you were called to fight.

But in this world, woe to he who is lukewarm. Jesus says in scripture that He will spit us out of his mouth for our lukewarm-ness. Christians, look around at what is in our schools, on our radios, on our ballots, and on our billboards. Pray without ceasing, and ARM yourselves for the battle... using your gifts to "go and make disciples, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit."

A matter of national pride

2009-02-02T07:13:00.000-08:00

I experienced something on SuperBowl Sunday which I will never forget. We were invited to a friend's house for a superbowl party, and we gladly accepted. I spent the first part of the party in the kitchen, making guacamole, chattin with the girls, cooing over the baby. Little by little the house got packed and the noise reached a peak. It was such a great little group-- married couples, wives of deployed airmen, kids, single people, and our priest. Everyone was laughing and talking away, when suddenly on the TV we heard the opening notes of the Star Bangled Banner. What happened next was breathtaking.
Everyone stood up, in the living room, in the kitchen, wherever. A few hands went over hearts, but the others stood at attention. Silence fell over the group, and all eyes were fixed on the screen, where a girl was singing of our freedom and not just a few alpha male athletes had "something in their eye." For the four and a half minutes it takes to sing that song of freedom and national pride, everyone paid their respects to our flag. Now THAT is something that, as a european, you NEVER encounter. It was so beautiful I nearly lost it. It made all the pain of the election and inauguration, all the frustration and anxiety over these scary bills and acts that are getting passed just melt away.... because all of a sudden I knew what I believed in--- and that all the things that were most important to me: God, Family, Country, respect for life and love of neighbor, were represented perfectly at this beautiful gathering of Catholic military families. Man, it made me proud.

The last time I remember feeling that way I was a soldier in the US Army. Every night at 8:30 we had a "hydration formation" designed to keep us up to date on the following day's schedule and to force us to drink a canteen full of water in case we were getting low on fluids. Just before we'd be dismissed to go to bed, we would salute the flag and recite the Soldier's Creed, which read:

I am an American Soldier.
I am a Warrior and a member of a team. I serve the people of the United States and live the Army Values.

I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.

I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.
I am an expert and I am a professional.
I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.
I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.
I am an American Soldier.

My drill sergeants would make fun of me because not a single time could I say those words without getting tears in my eyes. I remember those words today when I'm having a tough day and my tasks seem daunting. I still live by that creed as a prayer warrior for my nation....and I will always be moved when I remember what America has been through and what the fight was for.

I want my children to grow up experiencing the same pride and solidarity that comes from common values and living the American Dream. Like the fourth of July on a military base, Superbowl Sunday teaches us something about our mission.

America, let's remember these things.

Normal

2009-02-01T09:30:00.000-08:00

A long time ago, I read a book that changed my life. It was called "Girl, Interrupted," by Susanna Kaysen, and most of you have at least heard of the film by the same title. The book's profound influence on me began because it was the true story of a young girl who was institutionalized for her eccentricities. When I read it, totally unaware that I would one day be diagnosed myself with BPD, I was floored by the cloudy "reality" that had descended on this soul based on other people's perceptions of normality.
Susanna Kaysen was a normal girl--- a girl with a lot of heartache for her young age, and girl who had been exposed to too much, too soon. A sensitive. A girl who bore the weight of the sin in the world on her heart. She reminded me so much at the time of the extremely uncouth Ani Difranco lyrics that speak volumes to me everytime I hear them: "You know, my c*nt is built like a wound that wont heal/ and now you don't have to ask because you know how I feel..."
The thing that struck me the most about this girl was not that her life was so much like mine, but rather that in her unending quest for healing, she found herself time and again faced with the advice of an orderly when she asked what it would take to get her out of the looney bin. "Honey," the woman told her. "only YOU can get yourself out of here."
It dawned on me at that time that there was a key in that--- that mental illness takes victims, but that its victims have to willingly submit to its plans for their lives. You see, each of the characters in this story had one thing in common: they were crazy. But the dividing line between them was simple: some of them gave in. And some of them fought with everything they had.
I remember reading her description of her thoughts about her body, and thinking how much I could relate. I remember her talking about her thoughts about the tongue. "Which brings us to the tongue. We've been here before, and it's bad. WHy is it so big?" etc etc. I remember thinking "call the whitecoats! If this is all it takes to be crazy, I am SO there."
Borderline Personality Disorder is like that. It is normal, with a twist. It is self destructive and violent, but only when you let it.
I wasn't really diagnosed with Borderline until I had been through my "torture" events in the US army, when they had used every psychological and physical means at their disposal to break me.They prevented me from eating and sleeping and going to church. They wouldn't let me wash my clothes and gave me hours upon hours of mindless repetetive details. They lied to me all day long about who I was and what was happening to me. They played games with my mind, probing for weakness. They isolated me from everyone and took my sheets and bedding so that all I had to sleep on was the floor.
In those days, the line for me between sanity and insanity was so thin that they recommended hospitalization and medication. I could have BECOME Susanna Kaysen. And yet I had Jesus--- something Susanna lacked. And because of Jesus it didn't take pills and restraints to calm me down. Prayer and a Word was all I needed to get up and walk. Since those days I've had relatively few "episodes." And when I do, I've noticed, they always come when I am under spiritual attack.
Spiritual attack has a lot to do with insanity, I've noticed.
I read in the Bible how Jesus cast demons out of epileptics, people with fevers, and people who were obviously mentally unstable. I think about how these days, we "medicate" everyone for everything. Science has found reasons for things we used to explain with evil spirits--- for example, night terrors. It is common knowledge that night terrors happen because a certain part of our brain is activated during a sleep cycle, etc. We even have medication that puts that part of the brain into a type of sleep. And yet science can never tell us WHY these things occur.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder because I have a chemical imbalance in my brain which was activated by environmental factors. In my family, this same chemical imbalance has appeared under the guise of depression, post traumatic stress disorder, bipolar I, borderline, and now alzheimers. It's underlying characteristic that is and has been commonly shared by many members of my bloodline is a bitterness, unforgiveness, and fear that permeates our existence. I know that to many, it wont make sense to say that a chemical imbalance can have a "personality," but I'm telling you that I SEE these things plain as day in my interactions with them and in myself. I believe, and the Bible backs me up in this, that sins are passed down as a heritage. But so can our blessings in the Lord. Children of abuse victims become abusers themselves. Children of alcoholics have alcohol problems. Children of drug addicts are born addicted to drugs. These things are "Scientific" and "natural" yes, but they are a result of the fallen world.

It is not an accident that borderline personality disorder, for example, involves things like identity crises, impulsive behavior, self mutilating or suicidal behavior, mood instability, chronic feelings of emptiness, and severe dissociation.
Satan does not want me to know my true identity: that I am a child of God. And so he gives me an indentity crisis. He does not want me to do what is best and good for myself, and so he gives me impulsive, destructive behavior. He does not want me to be saved, and so he gives me suicidal behavior. He wants me to suffer, and so I am given self mutilation. He does not want me to "remain firm in the Lord" and to experience peace, and so he gives me confusion and mood swings. He does not want me to experience the fullness of the Holy Spirit, and so he gives me feelings of emptiness. And on and on it goes.
It is not an accident that while therapy and medication for BPD is relatively low in success, those BPD patients who turn to strong faith in the Lord find relief from their symptoms. Jesus HEALS BPD perfectly because it is from the Evil One.

Am I saying that mental illness, in fact, is caused by supernatural rather than natural phenomena? No. I am saying that for every natural reality there is a supernatural underlying reality.
If I have sex while I am ovulating on my peak day, then that sex will result in a baby. That is a natural reality. And yet behind that natural reality is an infant that God is knitting together in my womb, whose plans the Lord knows.

the line between psychology and demonology is so thin that on most days I can hardly tell the difference. I am simultaneously fascinated by and disgusted by psychology as an area of study. I love to look at the patterns in all of these mental illnesses, and correlations, and reasons, but I cannot stand how sterile the psychologist's mindset is. Void completely of any spirituality, psychology seems empty to me-- and yet it can be so rich when combined with godly wisdom and discernment, rich enough to have those answers we seek so much.

Lately, God has surrounded me with crazy people-- and yet there's nothing crazy about them! These people are so normal it's painful to me that they have accepted a "diagnosis" and resigned themselves to it--- particularly because they are all strong believers! Satan probes us for weaknesses when we become a threat to his kingdom of destruction, and one of the easiest ways is to convince us that he knows who we "really" are. A diagnosis of mental illness often comes as a relief to people-- like: "Ok, this isn't normal, but thank God there are other people out there like me and I'm going to know how to survive this." But what I want to say to people is that the LORD knows your heart. He knows your strengths and weaknesses, and before we turn to medications and to therapy, we should turn our lives completely over to Him and say.... Lord, take all that I am. After all, He is the healer!

In deliverance ministry, we come across people all the time who have deeply psychological problems. And yet there are spiritual answers. We can look at people who are "Textbook cases" and immediately find answers and solutions. And yet we forget how crafty Satan is and how easily he lies, because it is his nature. Things are never as they seem. There is nothing simple about psychiatry and there is nothing simple about demonology-- and yet both are under the Lordship of Jesus Christ, both work together in the way that theology and philosophy go together.

Each person I encounter who needs deliverance or has needed deliverance, like myself, suffered from a multitude of psychological "abnormalities" and issues. And yet, I have NEVER in my life met a person who was 100 percent " normal." Well adjusted, sure. But normal? What is normal? In the human experience, normality is as varied as skin tone and texture in God's creatures.

In the last few months of exposure to persons who were deeply disturbed in both a psychological and a spiritual sense, I have found only one commonality--- Jesus can heal every wound, and make every dark place light. When demons attack, it is scarring not just on a physical and emotional level but on a much deeper level as well. They infiltrate your thoughts. They can control your mind. For deeply possessed persons, the only thing you have to hang on to-- the thing that makes you YOU-- is your will. And it is the will that holds the key to the problem. Whether you believe you are mentally ill because you are demonically possessed, or you believe you are mentally ill because you have a natural, chemical imbalance, the key to your survival is to exercise your will.

Armed with this knowledge and ready to fight, I rose this morning to awaken the dawn. My thoughts were turned to the battle raging against the Church---- how stormy skies overshadow the sacred treasures of our faith in modern culture, and how easily we can be distressed at what a good job Satan is doing at attacking all that is right, true, and just. And when we have that discernment, it is so devastating to watch our brothers and sisters in the faith allow themselves to be deceived. Heartbreaking.

I woke up and read a few articles demonstrating how the Church was under attack. I went to prayer, and read today's gospel, which was the story of the apostles in the boat in the storm, and Jesus who rebuked the storm and chided them for losing faith.
Peter's little boat, the Church, must have this faith and will survive. Darkness FLEES the light.

In continuing this theme, Mass was phenomenal today.

It opened with a hymn based on Psalm 18:2 that talked about the battle between good and evil. Every psalm, prayer and scripture mentioned the Evil One by name, and warned of his intent against the Church. And when God was done hammering us as a whole, He used Father's homily to hammer us individually and to convict anyone present to pursue a life of holiness. The responsorial psalm wooed us:

"And if today, you hear His voice, harden not your hearts."

The Lord met us in the Eucharist, where my missal reminded me that God is "glorious in heaven, all-powerful on earth and terrible in hell; but in the blessed eucharist He is mild, consoling, sweet, and liberal (without end).... Ah, what can He refuse us, when He has given us Himself?"

Two kids two and under

2009-01-29T03:21:00.001-08:00

I find myself saying a lot to people I don't know that: "I've got two kids two and under."

I say it sometimes as an excuse (why my clothes are always have huge stains on the front or why I'm fifteen minutes late to an appointment.)
I say it as an explanation (why my bookshelves have a row of books followed by a row of plastic animals, or why there are pizza boxes in my sock drawer)
I say it as a reason not to have to do the thing the rest of the world says are necessary (like watch TV shows, or talk on the phone all day)

On some days the "two two and under" thing terrifies me. Like, when I have to travel on an airplane. Or entertain more than four guests. Or when I really need a nap.But most days, I'm kinda proud--- not in a bad way, but just in a "wow, I can't believe God allowed me to experience this and graced me to sort of succeed at this" way.

There is this blessed silence early in the morning and after 7pm at night when the kids are sleeping and I am able to reconnect with myself. In that silence, I'm often amazed at what happens on a daily basis, around the clock, ]in this house. It takes insane amounts of energy to keep up with two kids two and under. It takes organization. It takes patience.

In some ways, being a mom to two kids two and under is the single hardest thing I've ever done. We work hard to create in these kids a character and a moral resiliency that we have no earthly clue how to achieve. We are fighting uphill battles day and night because of the moral decay of our society. There is no time for "me time" when every second you are distracted the Enemy of your children's souls is lurking and waiting to pounce.
It takes vigilance beyond anything you've ever been prepared for.

The other day, for example, I had let my oldest watch an episode of little einstein while I worked on fine motor skill development in some games with my youngest. Halfway through our session, he got this blowout diaper that required a change of clothes along with the new diaper. So I went to work taking care of that,did a couple of other things, and then I realized that the DVR had stopped the playback and had already moved to live TV. I moved in to turn it off and found my daughter, staring intently at the screen. On the screen was the singer "Pink," wearing an outfit made entirely of fishnet, making out with another woman wearing an outfit made of fishnet. At 8:00 in the morning. On public TV. VIGILANCE. It taught me that I can not let ANYTHING escape me.

It's difficult to be vigilant when you have two kids two and under. It takes constantly choosing them over you. It takes finesse, humor, research, wisdom (applied knowledge) and patience. It takes forethought. And when you have two kids two and under, forethought is not something that comes easily... I am the world's most "scheduled" person, and yet I don't think I've followed my actual schedule more than a handful of times in the entire year.

My sister in law recently had a baby and was lamenting the fact that just as she had established a really good routine with the new baby and gotten comfortable, she has begun to change and grow in a way that now required a whole NEW routine. I told her that was the hardest thing about parenting. It's like, constant experimentation to see what works for your family, and yet never getting to the end of the road where everything is perfect and smooth-- if you do, it lasts only a few days before things need tweaking and changing again!

I've got quite a few other friends who are currently pregnant with their firsts and who want to have big families. One of them, the other day was describing her absolute disgust with certain smells and sights as a pregnant person. I laughed and reminded her of the days when I was changing two blow out poopie diapers a day while just as pregnant and nauseated. Pregnancy prepares you for the experience of motherhood-- it's like a boot camp that lasts nine months instead of nine weeks. And it's brutal, but if you listen to the clues, it teaches you how to begin to die to yourself and live for others. The world, so intent on the destruction of your family, would have you believe that your wedding day and your pregnancy are all about YOU-- that they are all about YOUR wants, desires, cravings, and whims. But the truth is, these events are signposts in your spiritual life as a woman, markings that remind you: this is about giving love, and what is required of us when we do so.
I'm thankful that my pregnancy with my second was as difficult as it was to have with a toddler. I'm thankful for that because it refined me and caused me to learn that if I was committed to raising good kids, it was going to be the most work I've ever had in my life.

Because it takes commitment! I know plenty of people-- and many of them are friends and personal acquaintances-- who are working hard to create children who epitomize the world's values. Their central purpose as parents is to help their kids "find themselves" and "explore life" and "be open minded."
I'm working hard to raise up kids who "find God" and "give life" and are "God-minded." Because we differ so much in our goals, it even takes care to determine how much influence those kids have on my own and vice versa.... I have to be vigilant even in playdates, in babysitter's philosophies, in just about everything we come into contact with.

But vigilance does not mean that I intend to raise my kids in a bubble! It means that we deal with things as we encounter them, and that we do what we can to ensure their emotional ability to handle the things that come their way. I KNOW that innocence is lost and that it is VERY difficult to find again. But I also know -- and have seen with my own eyes-- the problematic scenario of raising kids who know nothing else but what they have been presented. I think, more important, is to present your family with reality--- but to make sure it's God's reality.

I saw two things yesterday that really made me think.

The first was inspiring. I was watching the Duggars the other day and they took a weekend trip to San Francisco. the dad, Jim Bob, was hysterical when he was describing what the upcoming trip would be like. He kept saying things like : "we're here, a conservative family, visiting probably the most liberal city in the world." He kept saying it over and over in wonder. he knew they would be confronted with every type of immorality and ugliness the wold had to offer, and yet he was just amazed at the opportunity to bring some light with him.
The trip was amazing to watch. I grew up in California, where my world was nearly identical to what they were experiencing on their trip. And my initial response, as I became a Christian, was to leave that world behind and never look back. The new age spirit and "everything goes" mentality pervades even the staunchest of Christian morality over there.
And yet I watched them go in and talk to people--- kids on the street, head shop employees, baristas--- everyone. And to bring a little light with them when they went. They weren't afraid to step in and love people. They were often pretty naive about their surroundings, but they were certainly an element of love that glowed in the darkness--- they brought a new kind of "peace" to the streets of Haight/Ashbury: one that wasn't dingy, dirty, smoky and dreadlocked but shiny and healthy and glowing. It was so encouraging to watch.

Later on in the day, I discovered this youtube video about a mom who had been on some show called "wife swap" or something. Apparently, she had traded places with another mom for a certain period of time for the purpose of filming this show. The mom in question called herself a Christian. She was apparently appalled at the new age stuff she had to live with in the home she was at, and particularly irritated that her own family was exposed to the occult, astrology, etc. Now, in theory, I agree with this woman-- I mean, I would have been VERY upset to have those things in my home as well. But her response was soooooo tormented, so dark, and so crazy that in the end it was SHE who suffered from an unnatural darkness and not the other woman. And why? Because first, she had gone into the whole thing with an "us" vs "them" mentality-- she wasn't concerned with PEOPLE. She couldn't have cared less. Jim Bob Duggar, in San Fransciso, made it a a point to remind us several times during the episode that people are people, everywhere you go. This woman, on the other hand, had lost the humanity she was faced with. Likewise, her own sin and her initial poor judgement caused her family to suffer: why had this family chosen to be on such a ridiculous show? Why had they chosen to lose control over their own children? Etc etc. This brief video is so disturbing on so many levels, but mostly because she is dead wrong in her approach to rightness.

How do we avoid the trap to become isolated and isolationist, and yet still raise good kids? For me, it's all in the "two kids under two" issue.
Because I have two, my horizons are broadened. If I had three, they would be even more! Let alone eight, or ten, or twelve. Because I have two kids under two, and because I know that most of their moral plumbline will develop before they are five, I HAVE to intellectually examine every influence and idea they encounter. I HAVE to pray every day, because without God I could NEVER do this alone.
They are constantly into everything, and I have no choice but to pay attention. When we are faced with some moral issue, I tell them the truth. We talk about what we see. We discuss it. If mommy and daddy slip and exchange a harsh word in front of them, the answer to "what's wrong?" is not "it's nothing," but rather: "mommy and daddy are being mean to each other... and we are sorry for doing it and wish we hadn't."

Kids are like sponges. Kids are work. Kids are exhausting. But the exchange that occurs when you have two kids two and under who demand and deserve every ounce of strength you can muster.... oh man.

There's nothing like hearing your two-year old say "Here daddy, I made this dinner for you because I love you!" and watch her hand him a real meal, or watching your one- year old hear you say no without raising your voice, shake his head no, and turn from the object of his interest. There's nothing like watching your child, when she's hurt, grab a statue of Jesus and hug him on the floor and say "Jesus, I have an owie. You can make me feel better!"

There is NOTHING as rewarding as having two kids two and under.... it just makes you sit up straight and pay attention, makes you lose every misconception that this world was ever, in any way, about YOU, and makes you appreciate, so much, the tiny graces you receive every day-- from the extra ten minutes of sleep in the morning to the extra big hugs that come out of nowhere to the extra ten minutes you spend on your knees at the end of the day.... it's all such a blessing.

The Ghost Whisperer-- separated at birth?

2009-01-28T09:19:00.000-08:00

My husband laughs at me on Friday nights, because I cannot get through a single episode of "The Ghost Whisperer" without weeping. Not just crying, but big tears, runny nose, sniffling, wailing.... weeping.

Before I go on, I want you to know that YES, I understand that it is a cheesy show and that there isn't much to it, but I would argue with anyone who thinks that because of that there is, indeed, NOTHING to it. I find it to be very profound.

For those of you who haven't seen the show, I'll briefly describe:
Melinda, the main character, seems like a totally normal human being. She runs a little antique shop (I think it's in South Carolina... at any rate, it's close enough to Raleigh which means it's supposed to be close to us somewhere) and has a pleasant enough little life. Good friends. Nice house. She's pretty, but awkwardly pretty, not in a generic kind of a way. She's funny. She's intelligent. And she sees ghosts. These ghosts are drawn to her because they know -- on some level-- that she sees them. And drawn they are, in every episode the basic drift is: she "meets" a ghost, the ghost takes her on a wild goose chase as she desperately tries to get it "into the light" and in the end, all is well, the ghost goes off to eternity and she is left to wonder what the next day will bring.

I relate to Melinda like no other TV show character I have ever seen.

First,there's the obvious. She sees these ghosts. The connection there is blatant-- I "sense" spirits-- sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes human, more often not. So I tremendously relate to the comical situations she finds herself in --- drawn to the normality of life while at the same time constantly coming off as "quirky" because she has no choice but to respond to the spiritual reality she is aware of. I laugh out loud every time she gets caught having conversations with no-one or taking actions that to the outside world would make no sense at all. Our experiences are often quite dark and sinister, and yet we both retain this fascination with what we do.
I think about how many times I've been caught "staring intensely into space" or "making a wierd face" or "not paying attention." I relate to the difficulty of having to live two types of lives.

In the show, she's like a little detective, using clues she gets from the ghosts to examine their families and surroundings until she comes up with an answer that explains why the ghost is not "free" to go into the light.
I jokingly say that my own investigative journalistic skills get put to the best use when I'm in mininstry, because like her, I'm working with clues to help me help a person and uncover the truth.
Late nights will find both of us scouring the internet looking at records, letters, photographs--- anything that will help us to uncover what exactly the source of the trouble might be.
In fact, many a friend of mine has watched it with me and laughed...saying: "Dude, that is SO you," as she rabidly taps away on her laptop, powering through death notices and old newspaper classifieds, obsessively searching for new contact numbers and old employee records.

She helps dead people who want to be alive, and I help living people who are so tired of life that many of them wish they were dead. There is an element of one-on-one counseling and committed compassion that goes into this work that reminds me so much of what I see when I watch her work--- ultimately, you do this kind of thing because you love people. Because you care. You do this stuff because God threw it at you and said: "Here it is, and not a lot of people are willing to do it." And then you look in someone's eyes, see the hurt in there, and say.... OK. I'm willing.

Her relationship with her husband is truly reminiscent of my own relationship with mine. We cultivate deep, strong love for each other and in the midst of our struggles we have created a bond that nothing could break.
He has to put up with her eccentricities (the fact that her phone rings at any time of the day or night with a clue or that supernatural events around her are a normality) and I KNOW my husband feels that way. At the same time, he grounds her and helps her to stay with one foot in the natural reality, and I KNOW my husband does that for me.

The episodes deal with real-life issues of sin that have the potential to break and destroy--- each week the show examines guilt and shame that stem from every sort of sin imaginable, and covers them so in depth that it leaves me a wreck--- it really demonstrates how PAINFUL sin is for the soul. Likewise, every case that goes by leaves me more and more aware of the PAIN sin causes us.

In the past few months , the show has taken on a new aspect that I connect with deeply--- and this time, the connection is even more uncanny for me. Her husband has been killed and she is beginning to realize that there are dark forces at work and that everything she loves can be "affected" if she isn't careful. In a wierd way, no matter how much love she has within the structure of her community, her family, her friends, she is still aware that she is alone in the world.
And like her, I've often been in situations where my family and friends came under attack, or where they just COULDN'T follow where I was going-- because sometimes, God allows you to be in the desert, and it's a necessary thing. Through this experience and her subsequent grasping at what lies ahead... I have TOTALLY bonded with her in her "holding out for EVERYTHING." The best there is, she knows and I know, lies ahead. Her idealism and enthusiasm and emotional response to the challenges she faces--- oh man, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror.

All this to say that last night, like every Friday, I was absolutely stunned at what a powerful show this is---- how under the "sappy melodramatic made-for-tv" garbage there is a reflective image of the meaning of life as I see it unfolding, and THAT has really affected me and helped me to "hold on" when it seems that no one out there "gets" what I could possibly go through.

In a wierd way, I often feel like it's God, writing it just for me.

Now, I've totally out-dorked you, Brian. :P

A perfect morning

2009-01-27T09:53:00.000-08:00

I had the wonderful opportunity to go to church this morning. The kids were wanting to go to the "parents morning out" nursery program, which I'm usually kind of iffy about... and I was really wanting to go to mass and then to coffee to meet with a friend. So I did-- and it was awesome!
In the nursery, the kids had tons of activities and games that taught them so much... which was a big change from the last time I had left her in this program! Annika even made a bird feeder (the classic pinecone/peanut butter/bird seed kind!) which she had to take home... incredible. I was very pleased and confident that had we stayed home she would have recieved the same sort of care.

Meanwhile, I was able to go to Holy Mass, and that, for me, is always a gift. I felt united with all Christians who were unable to assist at mass, for whatever reason God placed me with the hearts of the faithful from Gaza to China who are not able to enjoy the mass with the liberty that we have, and I was so thankful! The homily was perfect-- about embracing the suffering that comes our way, and little did I know that this homily would be the theme of that morning's coffee conversation anyways.
Today we celebrate the Feast day of St Angela, who was a third order franciscan. It's humbling to think of a third order religious becoming a saint-- this was a person just like me! And this, in turn, was a point that God emphasized later when I was walking out of mass and a Professed Carmelite I love dearly saw me coming and said: "Here is Carmelite Barbie!" Talk about humbling.

I was once again reminded that the call to sanctity is really the first and most important call we must get right. If we miss out on the specific details and plans of our lives according to God's will-- at least we have heard His long-term goal for us: Salvation and Sanctification. Holiness.

Later, as we sat enjoying coffee in one of our favorite little haunts, making friends and chatting with old friends, I was so strongly moved by the sense of community--- of loving the Jesus in each one of the precious women around me, that His presence just pervaded my every sense. I'm so thankful for mornings like these.
Now the kids are happily sleeping, worn out from the beautiful morning and thankful for their own growth, and I am able to reflect, and then rest, in the reality of God all around me. Thank you, Jesus!

The Parish Calendar

2009-01-27T04:09:00.001-08:00

After much contemplation, I've decided that I find the Parish Calendar absolutely hideous.

I wanted to be optimistic about it... I really did! last year's calendar was this doubly atrocious concoction with wierd looking angels and "cute" quotes that reminded me of something my grandma might cross stitch onto a pillow. The art was bad, the choices were worse, and I couldn't get to December fast enough. But I plowed through it, determined to be faithful to my Parish Community through the use of this calendar they had selected-- my little act of love.
I was overjoyed when I saw that this year's calendar was made by a new company. Further, the front contained an image of the cup and the hosts, and the I thought-- aha! Finally a truly "Catholic" Calendar. At first glance, it appeared gloriously successful at portraying the faith: here a picture of a stained glass window, there a tabernacle, here an image of a woman's hands holding a rosary. Joy!
But the more I look at it, the less I like it. First of all, my initial joy at seeing the insides of churches in some of the pages has faded fast when I realized we are talking about tabernacles and set ups that look more like a space ship than a cathedral: "industrial" looking ceilings criss crosed with wood and metal, sharp angles and round curves-- it's the architecture of modernity, and I hate, hate, hate seeing it in churches. Suffice to say I find it less than inspiring.
Second, I realized that the cover says "Stewardship Calendar." Now I hear this a lot in our parish... that we are a "stewardship" parish-- but what does this mean? Does this mean that the sole focus of our lives is to steward our lives and finances in a godly manner?
Does this mean that because my husband and I choose to tithe WITHOUT the little envelopes that come in the mail each month with our names on them, and thereby anonymously, that we should be somehow judged for not participating in the "stewardship" parish theme? Are people over there in the Parish office worried that we aren't tithing? Is that why our voice is so often "hushed" when we speak out for orthodoxy-- because we don't "steward" the way we are supposed to? What exactly IS a stewardship parish? Does this mean that tithing is our highest aim?

The last time I checked, devotion to God and active participation in the liturgy was the highest aim. How about we call it a "liturgical Calendar" and leave it at that?

My third issue is: the quotes. They are pulled from scripture, but more than 2/3 of them relate to GIVING money! Am I recognizing a theme here or what? Now, don't get me wrong. I believe hard and fast that as Christians it is our responsibility to give to a fault, to tithe abundantly and to recognize that money belongs to the Lord. BUT, being at battle constantly against the principles of the "prosperity gospel" I often find that a disproportionate sense of emphasis on the giving aspect makes my joy curdle--- as Christians we give because we are changed, because we are in love with God, because we know that it is more blessed to give than to receive. But pushing people to give, give, give makes me nervous. Let's push people to be HOLY! Then giving will come naturally.

Let me say this: I miss the traditional calendar. I am sad that my feast day , St Barbara's, has been removed, and that there are changes in the number of Holy Days we actually celebrate on those days instead of just moving them up to Sundays. I'm one of those people who doesn't think a vigil mass is "the same" as the Sunday Mass. I'm one of those people who wants a calendar that reminds us of which days to fast and abstain. (I still haven't seen a modern calendar that does this!) I'm WILLING to use a modern calendar to unite with my parish community and to live by the "new" calendar. But come on. Must we lose EVERYTHING that we have founded our faith on? May we not at least have beautiful traditional images to contemplate that will uplift our souls? Or at the very least quotes that inspire a more well rounded understanding of the faith? I don't know. I was so excited about the parish calendar this year because at first glance it appeared just so--- Catholic! And now I'm sad, because now that I've had time to really examine it, I am having a hard time finding a difference between this calendar and one I could purchase at kenneth copeland ministries or from TBN.... other than the small print emphasizing the lirtugical year on each square and a rosary or tabernacle here or there. Must we change EVERYTHING , people? Everything?

If the Eucharist is not true---

2009-01-25T09:26:00.000-08:00

I witnessed the most extraordinary thing today.

First, today was the first day I brought my 1962 Baronius press (LOVE those guys) missal and it really, really did make my experience more meaningful.
I was a bit edgy about doing this because I normally use the Daily Roman Missal and I was concerned I would not be able to follow along.
To make it easier, I had gone through and highlighted the portions of the Latin Mass that have been retained in the Novus Ordo, and so I followed along just fine, but in between, and in the silences, I was able to deepen my experience by praying along with the Tridentine Rite-- those beautiful, deep, theologically rich prayers.
Likewise today was the Feast of the Conversion of St Paul--- a man who I see my own life reflected in time and time again. Reflecting on my own conversion in light of his was an absolutely amazing exercise.

Because of all these things, my experience today at mass was very rich, despite the fact that had I not brought this missal I would have spent most of the mass rather peeved that they have ONCE AGAIN changed the melody of the Agnes Dei and the Gloria to this happy clappy campy garbage that reminds me of mariachi bands. Honestly.
Undeterred and determined to meet the Lord at the altar despite these frustrations, I received communion in peace and experienced amazing consolation as the Lord made His home in my body.

Normally, after communion, Peter and I kneel even though most people stand, and we pray with our heads in our hands.... we do this, we have discussed, because it is such an intimate moment for us. YES it is a communal action, but we don't feel like we need to stand and sing with the community just to say that-- we have received the Lord, who IS our communion, and so we stop to enjoy the private, personal ways in which he speaks to us at that moment... in the silence.

We don't feel the need for the additional "community" fellowship because the PERFECT sign of community fellowship has just been given-- we have all received the SAME Lord. Forgive the tangent, haha.
ANYWAYS... Sometimes I like to look up at the big crucifix there and to stare into Jesus' eyes and talk to Him from my heart that way. Which is what I was doing, when out of the corner of my eyes I caught a strange movement that caught my attention.

A woman was receiving communion from our Parish priest, only she was behaving bizarrely. Rather than cup her hands like most people who receive in the hand she simply took the host from the priest's hand. Which was odd, to say the least--- my impression that she wasn't so much "receiving communion" as she was "taking it." Right at that moment, I felt my stomach tighten and became accutely aware of the presence of some dark evil. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up... and on the backs of my hands, in the same way they do when I am praying for someone's deliverance or aware of a spirit in my vicinity.

I concentrated intensely to see what would happen next. All I can say is that the Holy Spirit must have WANTED me specifically to see this-- because no one to my right or to my left had noticed.

This same woman who had received so bizarrely actually PRETENDED to put the host in her mouth, all the while slipping it into the folds of her fingers and carefully hiding it from sight. She was beside a man with a somewhat withered arm, and he moved into my view (purposely?) which blocked me from seeing what she did next with the host. It appeared to me that she might have been passing it to him, but since they were in the line to receive the Sacred Blood of Our Lord I tried to assume the best and ignore the sick feeling I was getting from watching this scene unfold. All of a sudden, they both turned without receiving the bloood and started to head back up the aisle. The host was no longer anywhere to be seen. I was panicked---- had she swallowed it? If not, where was this woman taking my precious Lord? I didn't know the correct protocol to stop her, and having just had a rather ... interesting altercation with the presiding priest the previous day in which I was afraid he thought I was some sort of psycho traddie, I was terrified to say something to him either... In my frustration, the Holy Spirit breathed peace over me and reminded me of what I do daily.... "You're a spiritual warrior and a carmelite," he said. "So you must pray. This is the only thing that matters." I began to pray and as I did the woman's feet hit the first row of pews from the front. A man sitting on the very end of the pew, to my amazement, grabbed her by the wrist and gave her a pointed look. She rolled her eyes and put the host, which she had hidden from sight in the crease between her fingers, in her mouth. she hurried away down the aisle out of my line of sight.

All of this happened in the space of a few seconds. As far as I could tell only myself and this man had witnessed the scene unfold. And I wept, and wept and wept, inconsolably. I felt like Mary Magdalen asking "Where have they taken my Lord?" Something in me told me that this woman did this habitually, that this was not her first time ,and I got a strong sense that she was using these hosts for some sort of ritual in her home, although, obviously that is not verifiable at this time. Meanwhile, I was just so emotional about it the whole thing, I was a total wreck.

I often feel that the Lord allows me to see evil so strongly and so vibrantly because it solidifies in me a sense of healthy fear and dependence on Him alone-- it gives me the sense that these things He is doing in me, in my life and in my ministry are REAL, and thus that my sanity has not been compromised by my faith and my faith has not been compromised by my sanity. Just this morning I had been discussing in the Myspaz R&P the "realness" of the Flesh and Blood of Our Lord in the Eucharist vs the "symbolicness" of it according to protestant theology. If the Eucharist is not what the Catholic Church teaches that it is, then what would this woman want with it? Why would she steal it? Certainly, she could have wanted it to give to someone else, but if she believed that there was a good in the eucharist that she could give to a sick person or person in need so that Our Eucharistic Lord can heal them, then she knows also that communion is available to those who ask for it and that she could have gotten it a different way than stealing it! Likewise, if she intended something evil with it-- desecration, or some sort of satanic ritual, she still BELIEVES that that Host is the body and blood of Our Lord. All that did was confirm for me that the Lord really IS in the Eucharist, because what benefit would the demonic cause be served in her taking it, either way, if that was not truly Our Lord up there?

It was all so sudden and before I knew it it was time to listen to bulletin announcements, so I have not had time to process the event yet.
Certainly, I want to know now what the protocol is for lay persons who witness such a thing. But also, I want to contemplate the spiritual reality at work in the mass, in particular when the faithful receive communion, and to ask the Lord to show me why He allowed me to witness such a devastating scene.

Some things that make me wierd.

2009-01-23T15:04:00.000-08:00

I'm on my way out the door and I'm in a terrible mood, so here's a nice inflammatory post. Hopefully you guys will have a field day and we can talk about it when I get home tomorrow. So, without further ado, I give you:
"things that make me wierd."

In the area of women's "rights":

I hate feminism.
I don't think the word "submit" is a dirty word... and I don't think it has to do with sex.
The contraceptive mentality makes me nauseaous. Yes, I believe that contraception is wrong.
I am opposed to abortion under any circumstance.
I do not think women should be in the military, should be firefighters or police officers or anything where the physical requirements have to be changed in order for women to do the job.
I do not believe women with children should work outside the home (But i'm ALL for them working INSIDE the home)
I do not think that encouraging "me time" helps out moms.
I believe that women should cover their heads in church.
I believe that rape is not about power.
I believe that women have completely forgotten how to be ladies.
I believe that men have become women in our society. It makes me want to puke.

In the area of politics:

I am opposed to gay marriage, to gays being "out" and to gayness being discussed in the media and home entertainment.
I am vehemently pro-life, from conception until natural death-- meaning I'm against the death penalty, against euthanasia, and against abortion. It also means I'm against birth control.
I don't believe in global warming.
I don't believe in overpopulation.
I don't believe in political correctness, and in fact, think it is a total impediment to freedom and democracy.
I do not believe that our health care system is fair or accurate.
I do not believe that our social services as they are now should exist.
I believe our government is rapidly turning fascist and creepy and controlling.
I believe that public schools-- and many private schools-- are evil.
I believe that the government and all our political systems have a liberal agenda.
I believe that America is rapidly losing God's favor.
I believe that war is sometimes necessary.
I am convinced that pornography, alongside abortion, is the single greatest evil of our time.
I believe that liberalism was invented by Satan, for it stands for nothing good.

In the area of religion:

I fully support the pope.
I believe that my Parish's RCIA program makes baby Jesus cry.
I believe the Latin Mass to be superior to the Novus Ordo-- but I do NOT believe in any WAY shape or form that the NO is invalid. (how's THAT for complicated?)
I believe that all believing, thinking, Scripture loving protestant apologists are destined to become Catholic.
I believe that Mary is the mother of God and I love reminding protestants that they do too and just don't know it.
I believe one can be traditionalist AND charismatic. Hehe.
I believe discalced carmelites have found the surest and most beautiful path to holiness.
I believe the WHOLE bible.
I believe that Catholicism is 100 percent scriptural.
I believe that Satan is a very good liar and has half of christendom fooled.
I believe that it's ok to laugh at mormon doctrine.
I believe that marshal arts, dabbling in the occult, and participation in other religions can lead to demonic infestation, opression, and possession.
I beleive that ghosts tend to be demonic manifestations and are smarter than we think they are.

Other wierd facts about me:
I believe in demons and I see them frequently. Thus, I want the world to be saved.
I do not think the sixties was "the glory years." I think the sixties was probably the time when Satan was actually cast down to earth. And I'm only slightly kidding.
I cannot stand when people mispronounce "nuclear." it literally makes my skin crawl.
I like to study heresies and find connections between them.
I can't stand hippies.
I have no qualms about saying these wierd things about myself.

That ought to be enough for now.

Reason number 53469548645979857298342937543 to be a Catholic

2009-01-22T09:37:00.001-08:00

People might ask, why look to the early Christians and see what they were doing?

We have to look to the first recorded Christians, historically, and see what they said, because we believe the Bible, and the Bible says:
John 21:25 There are also many other things that Jesus did, but if these were to be described individually, I do not think the whole world would contain the books that would be written.

2 Thessalonians Therefore, brothers, stand firm and hold fast to the traditions that you were taught, either by an oral statement or by a letter of ours.

Most protestant Christians, when asked what the pillar and foundation of the truth would be, will answer: the Bible!
And yet the bible itself, in 1 timothy 3:15 says that the CHURCH is the pillar and foundation of the truth!

It is because of the CHURCH that we have the BIBLE. We do not have the Church because of the Bible, but rather the Bible because of the Church. The Word of God, entrusted to the Church, stands forever, and since scripture says that the gates of hell will NOT prevail against the CHURCH, we know that all truth is preserved in the Church.

Again, scripture emphasizes this:

Matthew 28:18-20: And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, to the close of the age.”

Matthew 16:18: “And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the powers of death (gates of hell) shall not prevail against it.”

OK, so we've established that it's important to know NOT only Scripture, but also the oral traditions that have been passed on from authority to authority. These can be found in a church. But what church?
What are the marks of the True Church?

Let's start with authority. What is an apostle? What is a spiritual authority? Nondenominational/evangelical Christianity would have you think that it means that anyone on whom the Spirit of the Lord appeared to rest could be put in a place of authority. In theory, that sounds good. But in practice-- impossible. For to be an apostle means to be "sent out" and in fact "by the laying on of hands" in order to fulfill the task and mission. Clearly, the protestant tradition does not adhere to the biblical model. When we disagree, we simply schism, splinter, break off from the vine, and move on with our lives, creating new churches and new "authority" which, in fact, is not backed by the spiritual power that exists in TRUE authority.

The Catholic Church (and other Orthodox Christian traditions which the Catholic Church is in communion with--- ie. Greek Orthodox, etc)is the only "community" or "church" which can back up it's claim to that apostolic authority accurately through history: From the time of Peter, who was declared first among the apostles, to the present pope Benedict XVI, we can literally trace the apostolic authority as it was handed down. Now THAT is a claim to authority. And that, as we know, is the mark of a true Church.

Moving on, we look for other marks of a true Church. You mentioned historical accuracy in your blog. Let's look at that for a moment.
How exactly DID the earliest Christians worship? And what church persists in protecting and providing this form of worship? We know many things from looking at the Founding Fathers of the faith. We have these things to look at-- and one of them is that the Eucharist was, for them, the central focus of Christian worship:

(I've pulled the following quotes from a website found here,http://www.catholicfaithandreason.org/fathersoneucharist.htm) but they are readily available in any library.)

One of the earliest Christian documents is the Didache, known as the Teaching of the Twelve Apostles, which probably dates from the 1st century. Sections 9 and 10 deal with the Eucharist [Gk. Eucharistias] and prayers of thanks which allude to the Mass. It contains this warning, "... let noone eat or drink of this Eucharist unless he has been baptized in the name of the Lord [a shorthand way of alluding to the Trinity]; for concerning this the Lord also said: ‘Do not give to the dogs what is holy.’" Perhaps alluding to St. Paul’s epistle to the Corinthians, in part 14 it notes: "And on the Lord’s day, gather together and break bread and give thanks, first confessing your sins so that your sacrifice might be pure. This is clearly an illusion to the prophecy of Malachi (Mal 1:11), which our next Father also addresses.

St. Clement of Rome was the third successor of Peter the Apostle as bishop of Rome, our fourth Pope. St. Irenaeus (Book III, iii) tells us that Clement "saw the blessed Apostles and conversed with them, and had yet ringing in his ears the preaching of the Apostles and had their tradition before his eyes, and not he only for many were then surviving who had been taught by the Apostles. " Similarly Epiphanius tells us that Clement was a contemporary of Peter and Paul. There is a tradition that he was ordained by St. Peter and acted as a kind of auxiliary bishop to Linus and Anacletus, his predecessors in the papal chair. His letter to the Corinthians was written between 70-96 A.D. in an effort to restore peace to the Church at Corinith, Greece, which has broken into factions and was intent upon firing some of their presbyters. The epistle, which is written in Greek, is important because of the distinction it makes between leaders of the community and the faithful. Clement refers to the leaders as presbyters or bishops, without making any further distinction, referring specifically to their ministry as the "offering of gifts." He says, "Our sin will not be light if we expel those who worthily and blamelessly have offered the gifts of the episcopacy." This is clearly liturgical language in light of Mt 5:23 and Lv.1: 2 and Lv 7:38, referring in this instance to the Eucharistic sacrifice offered by priests in the Mass.

St. Ignatius of Antioch was a pagan by birth and a Syrian. He became the third bishop of Antioch and may be considered an apostolic Father in the sense that he heard the Apostle John preach. About 110 A.D. he was sentenced to a martyr's death in the arena by the Emperor Trajan, who also put Pope Clement to death. On the almost 1000 mile journey to Rome from Antioch, Syria, the third largest city of the Empire, Ignatius wrote seven letters, which are his only surviving letters. They are addressed to Christian communities he presided over as bishop. He speaks of the Eucharistic mystery in mystical terms saying, "Therefore arm yourselves with gentleness, renew yourselves in faith, which is the Flesh of the Lord, and in charity, which is the Blood of Jesus Christ." His most famous passage says:

I am God’s grain, and I am being ground by the teeth of wild beasts in order that I may be found [to be] pure bread for Christ. My love has been crucified, and there is in me no fire of material love, but rather a living water, speaking in me and saying within me, ‘Come to the Father.’ I take no pleasure in corruptible food or in the delights of this life. I want the bread of God, which is the flesh of Jesus Christ, who is the seed of David; and for drink I want his Blood which is incorruptible love.

His reference to "bread of God" is an allusion to John 6: 33, where Jesus says, "It is not Moses who has given you bread from heaven [manna], but it is my Father who gives you the Bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." The Eucharist was a model for the Christ centered approach of Ignatius since he sees the it as an example of the "undying love of Christ as he feeds us with his Flesh and Blood." There is no mistaking his tone in his letter to the Church at Smyrna as he speaks of the Gnostics who had a disdain for material reality:

Charity is no concern to them, nor are widows and orphans or the oppressed . . .They abstain from the Eucharist and from prayer, because they do not confess that the Eucharist is the flesh of our Savior Jesus Christ, which suffered for our sins and which, in his goodness, the Father raised . . .

Like St. Paul in 1 Corinthians 10: 17, he saw the Eucharistic Body of our Lord as the unifying force in the Church. He

wrote the Philadelphians:

Be careful to observe [only] one Eucharist; for there is only one Flesh of our Lord Jesus Christ and one cup of union with his Blood, one altar of sacrifice, as [there is] one bishop with the presbyters and my fellow-servants the deacons.

Another unforgettable reference is when he urges Christians to assemble in common and obey the bishop, "breaking one bread that is the medicine of immortality and the antidote against dying that offers life for all in Jesus Christ." These beautiful words sum up Jesus’ own teaching in John 6 and St. Paul in 1 Corinthians 11. Notice also that he refers to the Eucharist as a sacrifice as did the authors of the Didache. Eucharistic theology seems almost complete in St. Ignatius.

St. Justin Martyr who also gave his life for Christ, as his name implies. His Apologies are considered the most important of the 2d century Christian writings of the Fathers of the Early Church. It is difficult not to identify his testimony with an early version of the Catholic Mass, the president or presider being a priest [presbyteros being the Greek root for our English word priest] as he speaks of the Eucharist about 155 A.D.:

For we do not receive these as common bread and common drink; but just as Jesus Christ our Savior, having been made flesh by the word of God, had both flesh and blood for our salvation, so also we have learned that the food over which thanks has been given by the prayer of the word which comes from him, [see 1 Cor 11: 23-26; Lk 22; 19] and by which are blood and flesh are nourished through a change, is the Flesh and Blood of the same incarnate Jesus.

Now, I could probably go on forever, but I think you get the idea. My point is that to the earliest Christians, the Eucharist was the source and summit of their worship together--- sound like any Christians you know today? That's right, folks, the Catholic Church is the only Church which not only has the authority and thus the ability to provide the eucharist but also has the tradition and doctrine to back it up.

What are the other marks of the True Church?
How about unity? Every single day, day in and day out, Catholics can (and have, historically, since the time of Jesus's resurrection) been able to attend the mass-- where they find an identical liturgy. In other words, I can go to a mass in Japan, in India, and in Afghanistan on the same day and have the exact same experience! Now THAT is unity.
Likewise, although there is a HUGE and WIDE variety of "styles" and "types" of Catholics, all of us agree on the same doctrinal principles and stand behind the same Holy Father, the Vicar of Christ on earth. It is an awe-inspiring thing to encounter the reality of that fact, and I encourage anyone who hasn't to explore the depth of world-wide unity that exists among followers of Pope Benedict XVI, like we have had with all of his predecessors. It would be equally good to study the vats differences between Catholics as well--- the extraordinary "uniqueness" of the directions that the Holy Spirit has moved us all WITHIN THE BOUNDS of that perfect unity. Therefore in the Church's ONEness, and unity, can be found a mark of the True Church.

"The chief attributes of the Catholic Church are authority, infallibility, and indefectibility. They are called attributes because they are qualities perfecting the nature of the Church. " (EWTN's MARKS OF THE TRUE CHURCH)

This means that in these three things which are essentials of the "True Church," we find that the Catholic Church contains them all. It is authoritative (And the ONLY church which can claim that authority.) It is infallible (And is the only church which has the authority to claim that infallibility) and it is Indefectable (and is the only Church that can prove to be so.)

For more information on the marks of the True Church as it relates to Catholicism, please enjoy this link:
http://www.ewtn.com/faith/Teachings/chura2a.htm

Comfort

2009-01-20T02:50:00.000-08:00

I love it when God speaks to my heart...especially in scripture.
I woke up this morning to a winter wonderland outside my window-- just miles upon miles of snow covered ground. Everything looks magical and amazing and hopeful under the snow. And yet-- today is a dark day for America.

Feeling a little blue about the inauguration, I thought, well, I'll just bring it to the Lord, got out my prayer book, and started to pray the Liturgy of the Hours.

This morning, my jaw dropped.

The first psalm (Psalm 43) we read was this:

Antiphon: Lord, send forth your light and your truth.

Defend me, O God, and plead my cause against a godless nation. From deceitful and cunning men, rescue me, O God.

Since you, O God, are my stronghold why have you rejected me? Why do I go mourning oppressed by the foe?

O send forth your light and your truth; let these be my guide. Let them bring me to your holy mountain to the place where you dwell.

And I will come to the altar of God, the God of my joy. My redeemer, I will thank you on the harp, O God, my God.

Why are you cast down, my soul, why groan within me? Hope in God; I will praise him still, my savior and my God.

Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. Amen.

I love His presence.

On the question of life

2009-01-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

On the question of life.

I've been thinking a lot about this issue of life after yesterday, when I posted an article about Krispy Kreme Donuts making a “freedom of choice” donut, and people went ballistic (including myself, in the end.)

The Freedom of Choice Act is no laughing matter.

Put into play by Senator Barbara Boxer, a woman who it has been my personal displeasure to interview several times and an advocate of every type and style of immorality imagineable, the big story is that Obama intends to sign the Act as his “very first thing” in office.

Hmmm.

This particular act, above all others that have been presented so far, is an absolute nightmare for persons who support the right to life.

Why? Because it does four big things:

First, it allows minors to receive abortions without parental consent if necessary.

Second, it prevents people from hearing options other than abortions--- it basically begins the process of removing people who might intercept the abortion idea by throwing out some possibilities that include letting the baby live.

Third, it overrides any state laws which we have fought LONG and hard for that promote life.

Fourth, it forces doctors to become abortion providers EVEN IF THEY DISAGREE With the procedure on moral grounds! It also forces private hospitals to provide abortions, likewise, if they disagree with abortion on moral grounds and yet receive aid from the government! Crazy.

Thus, the passing of this act would be a plague to our nation and do NOTHING to promote LIFE--- all it does it promote abortion and make abortions easier to acquire.

But this blog isn't about the FOCA.

It's about what it means to be pro-life.

As my best friend pointed out the other day, many Christians (and most of the vocal variety) are pro-life when it comes to babies, but pro-death when it comes to things like the death penalty. Which is inconsistent, and I'll get to that later.

More importantly, and more devastatingly, I think, I frequently come across persons who call themselves pro-life and yet act as if they are pro-abortion.

For instance, people who say they are “pro-life” for themselves but wouldn't want to
“prevent” another person from making the choice themselves. Thus, they vote pro-choice.

Or they vote pro-life, but verbally praise, support, or advocate pro-choice candidates or projects. Publically.

The problem with this goes far beyond the fact that it is an inconsistency and a lack of willingness to actually take a stand for what they believe in. The problem is that this is occurring because the person has not recognized that abortion is, indeed, an atrocity. Rather, it is something they choose not to do or endorse based on an idea that they, you know, can't deny that the bible says it's wrong, or maybe just feel that personally it's not something they can do (or go through again.)

These are the people I want to address in this blog because I am devastated when I encounter this kind of wishy washy pro-lifeyness. Jesus Himself said that “because you are lukewarm, I will spit you out of my mouth.” (Revelation 3:16)

I'll spare you the details of what occurs during an abortion, because we've all seen the pictures and read the horror stories. If you haven't, you need to.

Quite honestly, I personally believe you should see the photos of late term abortions first, because it is so easy to “Talk” about without picturing what we are really talking about.

You can see those here: http://www.priestsforlife.org/resources/photosassorted/index.htm

First and second trimester abortions can be seen here: http://www.priestsforlife.org/resources/monica/monica/Photographsofabortedbabiesatvariousstagesretrievedfromdumpsters/footof16weekabortedbaby.html

I will also spare you the bible quotes. We've all heard it-- He knit us together in our mother's womb, He knows the plans He has for us, He brought us to life, etc etc.

What I WILL say, however, is this:

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

Why are you pro-life?

What is it about the issue that makes you pro-life? Do you do it because someone you respect SAYS you should do it? (your parents, your church, your husband, your God?) What about the issue do you not yet understand? Why are you not HORRIFIED when you think of those beautiful, tiny, precious, helpless little souls being butchered, sucked out, annihilated, obliterated, cut...murdered? What will it take to get your heart into the issue and not just your head? Will it take meditating on the pictures I've posted above every day? Will it take sitting in on one yourself? Will it take you being introduced to someone like the deacon at our church? He was an aborted baby.

He somehow survived and the nurse who was present, a Catholic, was asked to take him (“it”) somewhere to die. She baptized him, secretly, and stayed with him, giving him an opportunity to live. The result of the abortion procedure left him extremely fragile. Every single day of his life is a mystery, because he never knows if each breath is his last. And yet, He loves God, and He encourages others. He should not, by any right, be standing with us each day. And yet, He lives. Is He thankful? You better believe it. Bad health and all.

I think about the violence that an abortion does not only to a baby we are here to protect and nurture, but to a mother as well.

Those of us who practice NFP (natural family planning) notice a certain amount of consistency in the way our bodies are created. We know that we want sex most when we are ovulating, and thus fertile. We know that as we learn our fertility cycle and how to recognize the signs, we are changed. We become closer to our husbands. We become more aware of the mystery and beauty that constitutes “life.” Most importantly, we become more aware of our sexual functionality.

Being pro-life does NOT start with being anti-abortion. Being pro-life begins with a proper understanding of our very dignity as human beings-- with the purpose of sex and of our reproductive ability.

“be fruitful, and multiply,” Scripture tells us, and yet in this fallen world, we wonder... “how can we afford that??”

“Children are a blessing,” Scripture tells us, and yet in this world of double income homes and daycares, daytimers and drive throughs, where teenagers are a threat to our own lives, we ask ourselves... “Really?”

It doesn't take much to begin to see the big picture.

I'll summarize:

God created us in His image.

He created us to MARRY US.

He created us to LOVE in the same way He loves in perfect unity with the Son and the Spirit.

Sex has both a procreative function and a unity function. Neither can be ignored. Thus, just as the orgasm is a “fingerprint” that allows us to see what life in perfect union with God will be like, the experience of childbearing is, also, a “fingerprint” that shows us something profound about life with God.

An openness to life, in it's fundamental state, means to be willing to accept whatever life God may bring our way with joy. Personally (And the whole of the Catholic Church's teachings on the matter agree with me here) I believe that begins with trusting God. Am I saying we should all have families that look like the Duggars? No, I am not. (although personally, I'd be stoked!)

I am saying that IF life should come our way, we should welcome it, and that we should do NOTHING to prevent the possibility of life conceiving.... nothing at all, because if it happens, it's a blessed miracle each and every time.

We live now in a world where the contraceptive mentality is prevalent.
We want food without the calories. We want sex without the babies. We want the stuff on credit. We want, we want, we want. We want what WE consider a benefit without allowing for the possibility that our CREATOR, the one who made us, might know better than us what IS and what ISNT a blessing.

When we practice NFP (which should really only be done if the circumstances are DIRE and grave to cause you to HAVE to choose to “hold off” on allowing life a chance) we notice that every passing period because a small time of grieving. We experience our fertility, month in and month out, aware, watching the seasons of our life pass and being made more and more aware of just how inherently WRONG what we are doing is!

Those of us who practice NFP and have HAD a baby see our periods as a little time to mourn. Another month went by, and my egg went unused. I think about the life that could have been. In many ways, it's my openness to that possibility that makes me pro-life when it comes to abortion. I've learned to thank God for life. For the miracle of life. Allowing someone to butcher that amazing, special creation--- now THAT is tragic.

Those of us who practice NFP notice how much more we want the sex when we are fertile. It's a natural method that allows you to recognize the natural patterns of the body... everything in the married woman wants the husband when fertility peaks. We are like cats in heat. And yet, when using NFP to prevent a pregnancy, we realize that we cannot have what we want without accepting the possibility of life. And so, we long for the sex because we long for the life that comes from the love and pleasure. Like our period, it's almost a time of mourning.

True celebration of life is found in openness to life. And it is in that celebration that we find the beginnings of a reason to hate abortion and everything it stands for. Because abortion repesents death, the end of life, the breaking of the beautiful flowering FAITH that blossoms when there is a hope of life in the womb.

In our culture, the contraceptive mentality pervades even our careers and our hobbies-- we want things to be fast and not invasive. We want the ease of the internet without the inconvenience of having to talk face to face. We want to be entertained and not entertain ourselves. To me, everything about contraception screams “selfishness” because the bottom line is that you aren't willing to give ALL of yourself, only that part which you feel you can handle.

To me, we women all somehow know this inherently, naturally, without having to think about it because I guarantee that like me, you've sat in the gyno chair waiting for your pap smear year after year in a paper gown, freezing, staring at the same stinking posters-- first the ones that show you how a chart with images of STDs and facts about them. I know that like me, you've squirmed as you noticed that each little box ended with the words “More common in women.” “Can be fatal in women.” “Men not affected.” To avoid thinking on it, you avert your eyes to the other side of the wall, where you find the birth control chart.

You squint at each method, thinking “I'd probably forget to take that every day,” or “eww, I am NOT putting ANYTHING there,” or “I don't know, I'm kinda freaked out about needles.”

Then the gyno comes in, and before you know it you're out the door again, BC method in tow. Probably, if your gyno is anything like mine was, a couple extra “morning after pills” thrown in for good measure. Just in case. And why not? you think. You're an educated, smart, interesting woman. Definitely not made for being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, right? And yet EVERY instinct you had in that place was telling you that something was wrong, that your body was something more, and better, and different than what those charts were telling you it was for. But you consider the options--- being a “breeder,” or being content... and you think, no way.

Yes, I know plenty of women who say they “just can't be like that.”

They don't really enjoy their children, they don't really like being stay at home moms, and they don't really feel fulfilled when they are surrounded by two foot tall monsters.

They can relate to those women who want the choice to NOT have their kids because they've been there themselves. They can relate to those women who don't want to have their babies for fear of raising them in a bad lifestyle or not being able to give them what they deserve because they have been there themselves. And so have I! I wasn't born a homeschooling, apron-wearing, “dinner's on the table, sweetie” kind of person. I allowed God to mold me into that person. I took steps to ensure that I was working towards being a woman who heard and listened to God's voice alone.

I have never loved every step of the way, it has been painful and difficult.
But looking back ,the joy I experience from the result is unending!

If it seems impossible in your situation, look at your situation. What can you do differently? Little by little, I'm noticing how being committed to my faith means more than just homeschooling or going to daily mass or praying more. It affects every decision I make, and in my mothering, which is the most amazing and powerful evangelism, I find myself thanking God for every opportunity to remove something ungodly from my home--- for us, it's been movies to books to radio shows, clothing to toys, learning to need less and to give more-- even if it's just to each other. No one has to look like Holly Homemaker. We aren't here to be cookie cutters of one another. But it's obvious that certain things add to our holiness and our spiritual growth and other things detract. If you're a woman, think about what that means in your own life. What can you do without? What should you change? What would be a REAL sacrifice that God might be calling you to- the kind that breeds blessing?

Being pro-life starts with removing yourself from the contraceptive mentality and takes you all the way to allowing natural death, whatever that means. It's gaining a reverence for life because JESUS WAS HUMAN, FULLY HUMAN, and in our humanity and our “aliveness” from conception

until natural death mean we are given a depth of dignity that words cannot adequately express.

Meditate on these things and see if you should truly call yourself “Pro-LIFE.”

Ask yourself what pro-lifeness means, truly means, and how you can better conform to that meaning.

The Church of Christ should always be playing offense, not defense. We know the world is dark, and evil. We are the salt of the earth... therefore it is our job to preserve goodness, shining light in the dark places. We cannot sit idly by while people butcher children. We must fight with everything we've got against the darkness-- not in the form of PEOPLE, but in the form of the demonic reality that abortion represents--- using spiritual weapons: prayer, the word of God, the sacraments.

We must be willing to be molded and changed into the woman God would have us be, and not allow the so-called feminists in the sixties to tell us they know better than our CREATOR what is and isn't good for us.

Abortion isn't wrong because “God says so.”

Abortion is wrong because it deprives a person of human dignity. Abortion is wrong because it cuts short a life that represents faith, hope, and love. Abortion is wrong because it spiritually harms people, wounds us, and leaves us sick and lost and condemned. Not because “God says so,” but because we have lost faith in the one thing that matters.

How DARE abortionists celebrate Christmas?

Christ came to be with us in the form of an impossible, unwanted, and inconvenient pregnancy. Christ was among us in the womb of the Blessed Virgin Mary. The PERSON, John the Baptist, responded with Joy in the Holy Spirit while in the womb to the PERSON of Christ in the womb.

The Lord of all came to us as a baby, the most beautiful thing in all of creation: a being which brings to us Faith, Hope, and Love. No wonder Satan hates babies. No wonder Satan is hard at work destroying children as fast and as early as he can.

Our humanity is not irrelevant. It is NOT better for a baby to be born and not experience humanity-- that is a protestant nonsense that doesn't hold up theologically. Humanity is not a curse. It is a gift. And if you know that, then you could never, never, never support another person's right to abort.

Life begins with God. And in His care we place our lives.... from conception until natural death.